This is from a mural painted on the side of what might be a church in Minneapolis… it’s located on E. Franklin Ave between 12th and 13th Avenues South…
The building says Jesus heals but my dirty, dirty mind doesn’t consider this healing… unless it’s, you know, consensual. I know, I’m a heathen! There is a place for me in hell.
My parents kept a copy of the edition of the Appleton Post-Crescent from the day I was born – May 3rd, 1973. Recently, this paper came into my possession (along with all the other flotsam and jetsam from my childhood when my parents cleaned out their storage shed).
Keith took this photo of some of the movies section of the paper on that day:
I think this says a lot about the time I was born into. The 41 Outdoor was playing two X-rated films – Love Under 17 and Sensuous Teen. Not only can I not imagine these films ever playing at a theater now, I really can’t imagine them playing at an outdoor theater on a 50-foot screen. There would be an uproar.
The other big thing seems to have been movies about motorcycling – The Wild Angels, Hell’s Angels ’69, Hells Angels on Wheels and Angels From Hell. Is it just me or does this seem like many variations on one theme?
But the most interesting films are definitely Black Mama, White Mama and Night of the Cobra Women at the Tower Outdoor. How cool is that double bill?
Are you looking for a new hobby? Maybe you want to get into Chinese cricket culture! In addition to crickets, you’ll need to invest in some gear.
This collection is for crickets kept as pets for their “singing” talent. There is also the dark side of the cricket world – fighting crickets. I guess watching two crickets fight could be interesting… the first two times. Beyond that, well, you’re a strange person. I guess your crickets would need some Vaseline, tiny boxing gloves, some minuscule butterfly bandages…
Crickets!! A proud, 2,000 year history of entertaining.
This week I’m in denial. It did not snow 14 inches. It’s practically spring. So what if the back yard gate is snowed shut again, forcing me to walk around the block to get the garbage to the alley? So what if Freja and I have to mount and descend piles of snow on our walks? Pretty soon I’ll be in sandals and dresses, fanning myself and complaining about the heat. Right? Right?
Right?
The only consolation is that the birds are making noise in the mornings again, which always means that a change is going to happen even if we can’t immediately see/feel it.
Here’s what’s been holding my attention lately.
Books
I’ve found that the best way to pretend everything is OK is to not go outside that often. What’s kept me going as I hide under a blanket is reading. I’m on a “rich lady” memoir jag. I’ve burned through Dead End Gene Pool by Wendy Burden, Why Not Say What Happened by Ivana Lowell (descended from the Guinness family) and The World of Gloria Vanderbilt by Wendy Goodman and, although in a slightly different vein, Diana Vreeland by Eleanor Dwight. I’m fascinated by the wealthy who grow up emotionally and socially impoverished. Setting aside Diana “Fashion Savant” Vreeland, Gloria is by far the most interesting and accomplished, although I do have to question some of her interior design.
Continue reading The Wednesday Outlook: Feb. 23, 2011
In keeping with my theme from last week of posters/flyers I’d like to see, I mocked up another hot one tonight (under the guidance and supervision of PhotoShop Wizard Keith).
I think I’m breaking new ground for bar food! Eagle: it’s what for dinner.
It’s a strange endeavor to try to draw a deep-fried eagle wing.
I made a disturbing discovery this weekend. My teenage self was an unreliable narrator. How else to explain how I’d convinced myself for years, since first seeing the film on VHS, that Dangerous Liaisons (1988) is a story well-told? Was it the same misguided taste that led me to believe that Ponderosa Steakhouse was a place to get a superb meal?
My memory of this film is of a breathless, tightly-wound drama full of sex and intrigue acted by amazing thespians (Glenn Close, John Malkovich, Michelle Pfeiffer)Â in gorgeous period costumes. Clearly, my high school self was blown away. (It didn’t take much.)
But the cold (adult) reality? A horribly written mess with comical casting. The official summary of the film is, “Rich and bored aristocrats in Rococo France play high-stakes games of passion and betrayal.” My summary would be more along the lines of, “Rich and bored aristocrats try to keep themselves busy and, in so doing, change their motivation once every day or so, so often, in fact, that the viewer gets lost and bored and starts to concentrate on John Malcovich’s teeth and why they were not fixed if he was going to pursue a life in the movies.”
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today she continues (after a long layoff due to the holidays, winter, a small fire in her music room, a leaky vertebrae and a small drinking problem, since dealt with) her exploration of all things social media.
Dear Baby Jane,
Recently I went on a job interview and the interviewer asked me if I happened to follow him on Twitter. I guess this guy is some big deal on Twitter. I had to say no, I don’t follow him. Then he said, “Well, who do you follow?” and “How many people follow you?” The truth is, not that many people follow me. But am I to be judged solely on how many Twitter followers I have? Do I have nothing else to offer? What is this world coming to?
Don’t Judge,
San Diego, CA
Continue reading But You Are In That Chair: Social Media Edition, The Second
One of my favorite recent bar ads from City Pages was from a bar named Cowboyz in Rockford, MN that advertised a Cougar Night. So now Cougar ladies get their own nights? Weirdly, it was from 6-8 p.m.
I would like to be walking through my neighborhood and see a posting for a Cougar Night on a telephone pole, the kind of spot usually reserved for garage sale signs and lost dog/cat notices.
Here is what it would look like (my Cougar Night charges cover for the ladies and not for the dudes!):
This dry winter air must be wreaking havoc on your hands! Why don’t you make some scotch eggs and let your epidermis soak up Mother Nature’s natural moisturizer – pork fat!
Mix up the pork sausage by hand, letting your dehydrated fingers pat those patties and then cradle the hard boiled egg in your hand as you wrap it in its fatty meat cloak. Let that lard soak into your skin’s cracks and fissures. Aaaaah!
You could eat the eggs, too, after they bake, but be careful darling, that vintage Mainbocher gown won’t fit anymore if you’re eating Scotch eggs and surfing TMZ all day long. Better to pack them in a basket and give them to the neighbors while you settle in for a lunch of lettuce and a Tab.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure you convey just the right message by selecting the correct color for roses:
RED = Hope you don’t have your period tonight. Alternately, you need all the COURAGE you can muster to be with me
YELLOW = I am JEALOUS of you. Alternately, “You are a coward.”
LIGHT PINK = I’m sorry your life sucks so much.
DEEP PINK= I feel frisky. Alternately, do you want to get some Thai food?
LILAC = I saw you at the mall and I want to bone you.
WHITE = Think twice about joining that nunnery. Alternately, when I think about you, I think about a shotgun wedding.
PEACH =Â Do you love the 1980s as much as I do? Alternately, watch the amount of salt in your diet.
CORAL = You are a miserable DRUNK but I can’t stop loving you.
ORANGE = Let’s make lots of money. AKA “The Pet Shop Boys” rose.
And remember, it’s not just the color you send, it’s also the number:
1 Rose =Â I am cheap and the lady just came around the bar selling roses.
2 Roses = I will never let you talk to anyone but me.
3 Roses = I have a secret love child.
6 Roses = I do everything half-assed
7Â Roses = I’m going to stalk you.
9 Roses = I believe in elves, fairies and wood sprites.
10 Roses = I’m in love with Bo Derek.
11 Roses = One fell out and I stepped on it.
12 Roses = I’m normal
13 Roses = I believe in a baker’s dozen
21 Roses = Let’s do shots all night.
50 Roses = I have to tell you something and you’d better sit down.
99 Roses = 99 problems
100 Roses = I am a deposed dictator.
999 Roses = I built us a pyramid to live in.
“i wish the F*ckin’ media would just leave @LindsayLohan alone!”
I can’t imagine caring this much but find it admirable that someone does. Hateful media! Can you say, “witch hunt?”
We’ve seen the photos this month – a frail Dame Elizabeth Taylor in a wheelchair, ghastly thin, breathing with the aid of an oxygen tube. It’s a reminder that Dame Elizabeth might not be with us much longer (although if Zsa Zsa is still holding on, Elizabeth could go another 5 years!). Still, it’s a good time to brush up on our Elizabeth Taylor Facts & Figures.
Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor was born in Hampstead, a district of West London, in 1932. Her parents were American but she was granted dual citizenship because she was born in England. That’s why she got to become a dame.
The Taylors moved to Los Angeles after things started looking rough in Europe prior to the outbreak of World War II.
Elizabeth was born with double rows of eyelashes. It’s a genetic mutation but it sure made her look glamorous on camera!
She appeared in her first film at the age of nine. The film was There’s One Born Every Minute.
Her career took off in 1942, with the film Lassie Come Home. Because of this she was signed to a seven year contract with MGM. Her next big hit was National Velvet, the movie about horses, at the age of 12. She made another Lassie movie, Courage of Lassie, in which a different dog named Bill, an Allied combatant in World War II, regularly outsmarts the Nazis. I think this is an excellent plot for a film.
Animals seemed to have played a large role in her early acting success.
Her nickname “One Shot Liz” was not reference to something sexual. It meant she was known for being able to get a scene right on one take.
Her first adult role that met with big success was in Father of the Bride.
In 1960, she became the highest paid actress in history when she signed a $1 million contract to play Cleopatra. This was the film set where she met Richard Burton, the man she would marry and divorce twice. He played Mark Antony.
Continue reading Elizabeth Taylor: Reflections In A Violet Eye
From the diary of Sue Ellen Ewing, a.k.a. Sue Ellen:
Dear Diary,
Just when I thought I could not experience a deeper sense of despair than the day my husband rebuffed my attempt to reignite our love life with sexy lingerie by calling my black nightie cheap, I’ve reached new lows.
It all started when JR and Ray went to Waco and ended up sleeping with two townies in a motel. Then two men (one of them a husband to one of the women, one of them her brother) came to Southfork to rape Ewing women as revenge. I guess it was that whole Bible-eye-for-an-eye thing.
All this in the middle of a wind storm!
I was upset by the entire episode, to be sure, but I was mortified by how ineffectual JR was in keeping them from humiliating me. He sat there looking guilty, acting like he couldn’t possibly do anything because they had a gun pointed at him.
Continue reading Dallas Diaries: Season 1
On Saturday, we headed out to Lake of the Isles in Mpls to see the skijoring loppet. I’ve never seen so many happy dog faces in one place. Freja was not competing but she was exhausted just from watching the dogs and hanging out in the crowd. Maybe next year we’ll be in the race – those skiis out in the garage should get some use.
Also caught some ice biking and lots of dogs leaping in the air (some of the leaping dog photos were blurry but I put them in here anyway because it’s cool to see dogs so happy they jump in the air)
If this doesn’t make you happy, you’re dead inside:
Just when you think that maybe you’re getting tired of Charlene, something like this comes up:
Charlene Fun Fact O’ The Day: Charlene was married to country singer Johnny Lee from 1982 to 1984. I thought I’d never heard of Johnny Lee, so I went out on a search. And it turns out I sure as shit do know who Johnny Lee is! This song used to play on the radio when my dad drove my sister and me to Wednesday night CCD class in his pick-up. For those of you who aren’t Catholic, that’s a class where public school kids are indoctrinated into the Catholic faith, in the evenings, after being at school all day. You can imagine how excited we were to go!
Anyway, watch this and see if you, too, remember Johnny Lee:
Johnny had love with Charlene for two years and they had a daughter, but then he was adrift again, looking for love in all the wrong places.
At Studio 54, perhaps? Can we bring back these combs with the shiz hanging from them for Spring 2011?
Charlene Fact O’ The Day: In the 1990s, Charlene was a spokesperson for the Abdominizer, a piece of workout equipment. “Rock, Rock, Rock your way to flat abs.” This commercial does not feature Charlene, but it’s still worth a look.
But she is in this commercial, which is unremarkable in and of itself, except that someone actually videotaped their TV in order to capture it. And also amazing – black nylons and black Reeboks for her workout attire.
Darling, I know it’s cold outside and this winter is for the crows. The crows who sit in the trees and “CAW, CAW, CAW!” while you wait for the bus on a bitter morning. But one must remember that weather should not do away with style.
Why don’t you wrap your head in a furry hood, so that all that peaks out is your face, flush from your latest spray-on tan?
The bigger the hood, the better! The more wrapping, the better.
In fact, why don’t you wrap up your entire body, like a chic mummy, in your bed comforter to let people know what you think of this long, nasty winter? Be sure to take the belts off old bathrobes and strap them around your body in a criss-cross, strait-jacket fashion. Note:Â Make sure to bring along a friend who can help you navigate the bus steps.
I’m cold as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore! Has anyone seen the #113?
After yesterday’s debauched photo, back to All American Girl:
Charlene Fact O’ The Day: In 1979, Charlene appeared in the TV movie Diary of a Teenage Hitchhiker. The official summary of the movie is, “The girl by the side of the road. You’ve seen her standing there. Thumb out. Smiling. There are thousands like her all over America. And you’ve heard about what happens to some of them when they get in the wrong car. This movie is about one of these kids. And about her family. But it could be about your family. Where is your daughter tonight?“Â This movie also starred Dominique Dunne, daughter of Dominic Dunne and later teen star of Poltergeist, and Dick Van Patten, star of TV’s Eight Is Enough. And Craig T. Nelson, a.k.a Coach.
From the diary of Pamela Barnes Ewing, a.k.a. Pammy:
I did a stupid thing. I married Bobby Ewing after one lustful and drunken weekend in Austin. I am so ashamed! But there’s nothing to about it now – I have my pride and reputation and a quickie divorce would make me the laughingstock of Dallas County.
Bobby and I drove out to Southfork together after the “wedding” and moved into his parent’s house. We have one room. Even though it’s an enormous house, I feel confined. I went down to the kitchen to get some warm milk after Bobby and I made love the other night and Jock was sitting in the dark at the kitchen table, drinking.
The entire time I heated up my milk, he stared at my chest and talked about oil fields. But I didn’t have the guts to go tell Bobby!
Grainy, black and white… porny?
“Oh, I forgot to tie my bikini top. And now my hands have gone limp. See how I can’t even lift them? They are just hanging here, all useless!”
Charlene Fun Fact O’ The Day: Charlene appeared in Battle of The Network Stars in 1980. If you’re not familiar with the Battle, the three major networks would pit their stars against each other in “sport” events like paddling a raft in a pool, running or playing football while keeping an ongoing tally of points. It was co-hosted, in 1980s, by Howard Cosell and Joyce DeWitt (Three’s Company). Other stars who joined in the action included: Scott Baio (ABC, Happy Days), Sherman Hemsley (CBS, The Jeffersons) and Sarah Purcell (NBC, Real People).
Fun Charlene Fact of the Day: In 1984 she had a number one hit in Germany with a song called “C’est La Vie.” This song is not available on iTunes. However, even better, you can watch this clip from a German TV show:
Each day this week, visit Not Shallow for a photo of Charlene Tilton as tribute to the break-out star from Dallas who somehow managed not to morph into Sally Struthers.
Charlene Fact O’ The Day: Charlene is only 4’11.
On Friday night we went to Mayslack’s in Northeast Mpls to see T/N/T, an AC/DC tribute band. One thing I’ve discovered since our venture is that it’s important to make the distinction, when talking about T/N/T, is to make sure you distinguish it from TNT, another AC/DC tribute band based out of Los Angeles (basically, the fitter version).
While it’s not surprising that there is more than one AC/DC tribute band (with so much material, why should only one band reap the cover band gold?), it’s not clear to me why only one name is allowed. Is there a TNT franchise that one can buy into and set up shop in a region? Could one of the bands be High Voltage or Back In Black or, if I were going to have an AC/DC tribute band, American Thighs?
The band we saw, T/N/T, is the Midwest-based AC/DC tribute band, which one can pretty much guess by looking at them. One of the singers – mostly supposed to sing Bon Scott’s songs - looks a bit like Louie Anderson – overweight, kinda sweaty, pasty skin. I was a little worried that he would have a heart attack during his performance but, luckily, I’m sure the show held no surprises for him.
“OK, now I go into ‘Big Balls’ and then it’s onto ‘Dirty Deeds… Let’s get on with it.”
Continue reading Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap ($6)
Of course, it kinda goes without saying that if you haven’t seen Up!, this won’t make a lick of sense. But if you have… righteous and rad.
It’s heady times in Hollywood as everyone prepares for the 83rd Academy Awards on February 27, hosted by jack-of-all-creative-trades James Franco and Anne “The Teeth” Hathaway. At least, that’s what I imagine. Ah, probably most people don’t give a shit. But still… it gives all of us something to think about other than Flavor Flav opening a chicken restaurant in Iowa or the state of the union or Mini Kiss.
I confess to be the kind of person who sits through the entire awards show, minus the musical numbers. I can never stand the musical numbers, which are predictably Randy Newman, a 1980s or 90s female star like Vanessa Williams, Cher or Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles or something more unpredictable, like the year Three 6 Mafia performed “It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp.”
I like the formality of the Oscars. I like how everyone has to look their best. I know that people say award shows like this are bogus but I suspect that if you won an Academy Award you would not feel this way. I would not feel that way. I would be like that Italian guy who so annoyed people with his twee-ness in 1999.
Continue reading My Important and Precious Oscar Predictions
Yesterday morning Keith said, “I wish we had a robot that could walk the dog.” So I drew this:
Just as many actors long to direct, many rappers long to act. A successful career for some rappers includes the cross over to acting, often starting out playing pimps and drug dealers and then moving on to play detectives, cops and cooks on research ships. Fortunately or unfortunately, the acting bug usually greatly diminishes the anger and/or drive needed to keep producing songs like “Home Of The Body Bag,” and “Why We Thugs.” Although it’s clearly not for everyone – thankfully no acting careers for Snoop, Dre or Chuck D yet – here is a look at the Holy Trinity of Rappers Turned Actors – T, Cube & LL – and a look at the points when their dual careers reached their zeniths.
ICE-T
Birth Name: Tracy Marrow
Grew Up In: Was born in New Jersey and spent his early years there, despite being closely identified with the West Coast rap scene. He moved to LA when he was about 11 or 12, after both of his parents died of heart attacks within 4 years of each other, and was raised by an aunt.
Surprising Fact: Served in the U.S. Army for 4 years
Not-So-Surprising Fact: He claims to have had extensive “pimping experience” prior to getting into rap and acting. He discusses this in his song “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” It’s certainly not the stroll in the park that being a prostitute is! Those gals have it soooo easy.
Early Gig: In 1984, he wrote the raps for Mr. T’s motivational video called Be Somebody… or Be Somebody’s Fool!
This clip doesn’t include any of Ice-T’s raps:
Rebecca: So I think it’s interesting that we decided to watch this movie now, right when we’re talking about moving to New York so you can take a job at a law firm and I can paint the walls of our expensive “classic 8” apartment every other day. Uh, are you rethinking this decision at all?
Keith: Listen, woman, I’ve never lost a case, I have an undefinable Southern accent and I like to bite women on the ass while dancing. New York is the place for me.
Rebecca: Well, I learned a lot from watching this movie. Yellow walls and maroon furniture don’t go well together.
Keith: Did you notice the way the wall colors of the apartment kept changing and Mary Ann (Charlize Theron), in her final breakdown, even said something like, “Did you like the green?” There was this weird agenda in the movie that only evil city people try to decorate their apartments, and then they do it badly.
Continue reading Nothing On TV, Let’s Watch a Movie: The Devil’s Advocate
Put on your polka dot bikini, go up on top of the garage and have a sunbath? Get started on that tan before your trip to Jamaica. It’s a lovely 3 degrees, darling!
This is the first photo of a bikini to appear in a U.S. magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, in 1947 (!). Photo by Toni Frissell.
I enjoy sipping wine and champagne out of juice glasses. This looked pretty on my lighted shelf in the bedroom.
Well. If you look at many of my predictions for the Globes, I was sorely mistaken. My biggest mistake was in overestimating just how much Johnny Depp Kool-Aid the HFP was drinking. Depp got two nominations but was then passed over in favor of Paul Giamatti for his role in a movie called Barney’s Version or Barney’s Vision that I’m fairly certain only 13 people in Manhattan ever saw.
Besides, now the mystery of Johnny Depp has moved on from, “Why did he get two nominations for two very mediocre films?” to “Why is he so orange?” And I do mean orange. ORANGE.
This is what Depp used to look like:
And this is what he looked like last night, although this photo does not capture the full Tangy-ness of the man:
It’s as if he got a bit too enamored of his Pirates of the Caribbean make-up and decided to keep it as his day look.
You may remember a few years back when I attended the farewell party for Dr. Oliver Cuddles, psychotherapist extraordinaire. Not only was he retiring but he was heading out on some travels to exotic places around the world. Luckily for me, he’s back in town, just in time to provide me with some pro bono counseling in my time of unemployed need.
We had an emergency session this morning. He came to my house, stretched out on my couch and ordered a turkey sandwich. After much fussing over what to serve him instead, since we’re vegetarians in this house (except for the dog, who happens to adore eating flesh), he ended up with scrambled eggs and toast with a shot of whiskey on the side. Not much has changed, I’m afraid, except he did buy a new hat in Taiwan.
Eventually, we got down to business.
Dr. Cuddles: HELLLLOOO!
Rebecca: Hi, Dr. Cuddles.
Dr. C: Well, you’re looking frightful, my dear.
So I got the sack this week. That’s right. Unemployed.
I’m OK with it. In fact, I wouldn’t bring it up at all except that it, my current joblessness, has led me to discover a new passion – local news talk shows.
I can’t get enough!
I love the low-quality, low-rent-ness of them. There’s a lot of flubbing of lines, private jokes between the hosts, weird topics, interviews with authors of terrible books (usually books for kids that have something to do with butterflies or snow angels), fashion segments with horrendous or boring fashion (I saw two such segments during my first week of watching alone), opportunities to call in and win tickets to the Middle-Aged Dudes Sportsman Expo, etc., etc. to infinity.
Interestingly enough, one sees both a lot of cooking segments and a lot of exercise segments, which is enough to make anyone feel as if maybe they are suffering from, I don’t know, schizophrenia. Eat. Don’t eat. Eat. Don’t eat. Exercise. Eat. One minute they will be doing a segment on bacon cheeseburger meat loaf and then they’ll be talking about circuit training.
Continue reading The Return of the Bowler Hat
Happy Fuckin’ New Year!
Came across this while walking the dog and thought it made a fine example of clown salad.
Here’s how I’m imagining these cans came to be in the snow…
Last month, a co-worker and I were talking about old Betty Crocker recipes and she mentioned Clown Salad – a recipe from one of their now-vintage cookbooks for kids. The salad basically amounted to a canned pear on a bed of lettuce with stuff stuck in it to make it look like a clown face.
Horrible, I know. Although the best I can come up with for a photo of a clown salad is this clown face salad, which isn’t quite the same:
Since then, I’ve come to really like the phrase “clown salad” to denote something icky, unpleasant, weird, nervous-making or just plain stupid. So I keep referring to things as clown salad and it occurred to me that this may be a concept other people may enjoy as well.
Welcome to 2011!
We now live in the future.
I spent the last days of 2010 reading D.V. by Diana Vreeland (well, dictated by Diana Vreeland and recorded by George Plimpton and Christopher Hemphill). Diana was a fashion editor at Harper’s Bazaar and then went on to be Editor in Chief of Vogue. The book portends to be an autobiography but really it is a collection of thoughts on a wide variety of subjects which manages to morph by the end into a very distinct worldview.
It’s not a worldview many of us subscribe to today, which is too bad. In some ways she seems like a silly, rich woman but, the more you read about her, the more you start to catch her wave. Here are some Vreelandisms:
I loathe nostalgia.
I’m big on larders.
Pink is the navy blue of India.
I was simply mad about Queen Mary.
How I miss fringe! Where is fringe today?
Unshined shoes are the end of civilization.
Asparagus should be sexy and almost liquid.
I’m terrible on facts. But I always have an idea. If you have an idea you’re well ahead.
Never fear being vulgar. Just boring.
Continue reading Here’s To You, D.V.
Best Experiences
Seeing this owl every Sunday at the dog park!
Going to NYC with Keith for a whirlwind vacation in early October
Dog Beach at Afton State Park with Keith & Freja
Biking along Highway 35 in Wisconsin around Maiden Rock and Stockholm before going to The Stone Barn for pizza and beer
Rock The Garden in June
Art-A-Whirl in May
Best-est & Most Exciting-est Purchases
Nikon D5000 Camera
Frye oxfords
Orange silk dress from sale at Spinario in Minneapolis
If you’re not someone who is concerned about writing and/or making movies, you may have missed Amazon’s big announcement this fall that they have formed Amazon Studios. They are getting into the game of creating original programming rather than just distributing other people’s stuff.
I think the initial reaction by many people was HOLY SHIT, COOL! And then people started reading the fine print and the “Development Agreement” and getting disturbed by some of the rules associated with this. Here’s how it works:
Amazon Studios will award $140,000 a month to the “best movies and scripts and a total of $1.1 million to winners of Annual Awards.” So each month they have a contest going for movies and scripts and if yours is chosen that month, you may win cash and then they may further develop it.
They don’t want people to submit a completed film – they want a “test movie. “What is a test movie? “Test movies are inexpensive, full-length movies that tell the whole story of the script in a compelling way. They should have good acting and sound, but polished visuals are not required. Even primitive visuals will help people imagine what a script would be like as a finished film.”
“I’m eating some Mango Cranberry Salsa & chips from Trader Joes. So yummy. Sweet with some kick.”
And I’m eating some clown salad.
There’s been quite a bit of controversy over Black Swan, the new Darren Aronofsky-directed film starring Natalie Portman as a ballerina descending into madness as she prepares to dance the role of a lifetime and competes with a perceived rival (played by Mila Kunis). Is it good? Is it bad? People seem deeply divided. Manohla Dargis of The New York Times wrote that its got a, “giddy, sometimes sleazy exploitation-cinema savvy.” Some critics have said it’s cliched, others that it’s stunning. The Hollywood Reporter said, “The movie is so damn out-there in every way that you can’t help admiring Aronofsky for daring to be so very, very absurd.”
When I went to see the movie on Tuesday night the Uptown Theater in Minneapolis had a nice-sized crowd.This despite the fact that it was God-awful cold and parking was a bitch. But, then again, most of us had been trapped in our homes all weekend during the blizzard and were aching to get out. If getting out meant going to see something completely deranged, all the better. We need to take our minds off the fact that we are completely deranged for living in such brutal conditions. It’s always fun to watch people crazier than you are. Much more fun, by the way, than watching a preview of Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart alternately cry and yell at each other in a preview for thefilm Rabbit Hole.
Continue reading Don’t Make Me Go All Black Swan On Your A**
Now that we’ve all been in the social media game for awhile, it’s becoming evident that there are some “Dont’s” involved. Lately, some Facebook and Twitter profile photos have been standing out as some serious Dont’s for me so I decided to catalog them:
1. The Shadow Face
Perfectly fine if your name is Shadow Face and you are an enemy of Batman’s. Otherwise, no.
2. Look Into My Eyes
Seems like you have something to hide. Either you gained a lot of weight since high school or you were disfigured in a helicopter crash.
“Awesome meetings this morning, talking media and specifically the power of MN newspapers. Quick lunch now before heading back to office.”
I. Am. A. Robot.
That lunch thing on the end was just to make this person seem human.
I don’t know why, but people tweeting about invigorating meetings they’ve attended hits all my buttons. The console is lit up like a Viking ship going down in flames.
This weekend was all about life disruption in the form of over a foot of snow. Some say a foot-and-a-half. I don’t know because I stopped listening.
As my car crawled along the highway this morning (not really slippery on the highway right now but, you know, everyone must act as if it is) on my way to work, I wondered, “Is it really such a noble thing to suffer these terrible winters and then talk about surviving them as if it’s a badge of honor?” I’m not so sure anymore. I never really considered moving to a warmer climate until these past two years when I’ve started to seriously wonder what the hell I’m doing? What is the pay-off? I mean, let’s be honest, it blows here in the winter.
It blows because for every storm there are all the stages. First, the build-up. People get squirrely and glassy-eyed and go about gathering up provisions and they just want to talk, nonstop, about the forecast. “Could it be true that we’re going to get two feet of snow? What should we do? Why are we at work? This is going to be crazy!”
Continue reading Are U Gettin’ It? Yes, I’m Snow-maggedon It!
When I was awakened at 3 in the morning to let the dog out, because she was whiiii-iii-ning to go to the bathroom, it suddenly seemed very important, as I was standing at the back window watching Freja run around the yard trying to find an acceptable place to do her business, that I catalog the ways in which cats are fundamentally Republicans and dogs are fundamentally Democrats.
The photo you’re seeing here captures a rare moment of bipartisanship not often seen in our household.
First, cats are very conservative. They don’t embrace change. They don’t like a new plant being added to the living room, a sudden change of food (unless it’s stinky, wet food) or a litter made from some unfamiliar material. Things should stay relatively the same all the time.
They don’t believe in welfare because they believe in the old adage, “that government is best which governs least.” It’s paws off; every cat for themselves. They also hate immigrants. I’m not saying that all Republicans hate immigrants but cat republicans are the kind of Republicans who hate immigrants. This is because they are, of course, highly territorial. If a new cat comes into their territory, the cat’s first thought is, “Shit, there won’t be enough for me. Not enough grass to eat, mice and birds to kill, garbage to pick through. KILL!”
Despite a bit of a break, I’m still plugging away on Catcher. The next section wanders into some depressing territory that’s a bit hard to convey on-screen. There’s a lot of wandering around, indecision, memories, etc., which is a big point of the book and illustrates Holden’s state of mind, but translating this to the screen can be a challenge.
When I left off with Act II, Part II, Holden had just had the uncomfortable encounter with the young prostitute, Sunny. He sent her away without having sex with her but paid her the $5 her pimp, Maurice, said was the price of “a throw.” I really don’t like that terminology. Quite icky.
In a follow-up to my post about the nominees for the Spirit Awards, I decided to compile a list of nominated films (in all major categories) and divide them up according to how you can see them in the Twin Cities.
Currently Screening
127 Hours – As of now, it’s screening at AMC Southdale & Rosedale and at The Lagoon Cinema in Mpls.
Get Low – This is only showing at Hopkins Cinema 6, once it leaves there, might have to wait for DVD
Marwencol – One week only at the Lagoon, starts December 3rd!!
Never Let Me Go – OK, not currently screening but its coming to The Riverview in Mpls soon.
“I was basically absent from Twitter for 2 days and my world is all wonky.”
Wow, I know the feeling. Two days away from stuff like, “Win FOUR TIX to Disney on Ice’s Magical Journey,” and “You are what you love and not what loves you back,” and “Imagine Having A Blog That’s Ranked In The Top 2% & Attracts $10K/Month+ For Your Business While You Sleep,” makes me feel all weird inside too. Like, I don’t know… free or something.
I do need clarification on something though. You say you were “basically absent.” What does this mean, basically? You were absent? You were kind of absent but not completely absent? You may have peeked at it once or twice? A kidnapper tied your hands behind your back, preventing you from tweeting, but allowing you to read tweets?
Does it hurt that no one noticed your basic absence?
I go back and forth on whether or not I care about annual film awards. I used to get stupidly excited about them, then I went through a period of thinking they were total bullshit (but still watching them on TV, of course) and now I would say that I’m mildly interested in the outcomes again. This morning the nominees for the Independent Spirit Awards were announced. This is the very first indication of what’s to come from bigger awards – seeing what gets noticed here and what gets snubbed. The criteria to be nominated is (according to Spirit Award’s website):
• All submitted films must be at least 70 minutes long.
• Eligible films must have either played one week in a commercial theater or have been shown at one of the following six film festivals: the Los Angeles Film Festival, New Directors/New Films, New York, Sundance, Telluride, or Toronto.
• Eligible films must be made for no more than $20 million, including post.
If you have a film that meets all these points, you can submit it for consideration. Now, I know someone that rants weekly about the fact that there’s no way a movie like The Kids Are All Right could have been made for $20 million, all in, but let’s just assume, out of the goodness of our hearts, that all the films nominated met this criteria. I personally think that $20 million is waaaay out of truly indie territory but that’s a debate one could read on any of the snobby film blogs out there.
“Yo mama’s so skanky, she’s the mayor of the STD clinic on FourSquare!”
Yes, this was tweeted by a white guy. How do I know? Well, for starters, it’s not even remotely funny.
Let’s see… “The STD Clinic.” Yeah, they have a clinic just for that. They provide no other services. It’s a franchise, actually. They now have them in Alabama, Alaska and North Carolina. I was thinking of buying into one, because I guess it’s a steady business even in this down economy. And they tier their services – people with money get the modern drugs, people with little money get the old-timey treatments.
For example, low-income syphilis patients are placed in a box, head sticking out, and then nurses start some mercury on fire under the box so that it vaporizes.
I’m sure while these patients are lying there, they like to take out their smart phones and let everyone know, “I’m at The STD Clinic on 321 Northland Avenue!”
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I do nothing. There is little prep work or anxiety beyond going to the grocery store and buying a bunch of food with which to construct a feast. I don’t have to worry about seeing old friends, relatives I don’t enjoy, etc. I take a complete misanthrope’s approach to the entire thing – I want to watch movies, read books, eat good food and, essentially, hide in my house. This plan of inaction continues into Black Friday, when I watch the action from afar.
This morning, approximately seven hours after the shopping frenzy began, I was sitting on my couch in my pajamas, drinking tea and watching The View. It seemed like an odd luxury to sit there on a weekday and watch TV, or so I thought. I saw Whoopi come out in her usual “leggings-and -oversized shirt” uniform and I thought, “I’m going to sit here and see what they have to offer up.”
Continue reading Dud Gifts On THE VIEW
“Mark Wahlberg admits The Happening Was a Bad Movie.'”
Screw you, Mark Wahlberg. The Happening is a great movie. I’ve not laughed that hard at the theater in a long time. I found the idea of killer wind to be inspiring. I greatly enjoyed the acting, as well, and the fact that Zoe Deschanel blinked exactly once in the entire movie.
I was hoping for a sequel. It would have been called It’s Happening Again. Or maybe, Is It Happening Again?
Here is a clip from the movie given the special Rifftrax treatment:
Saturday night was the second night of a two-night gig for Tommy Wiseau (and faithful sidekick Greg Sestero, who plays Mark in the film), writer, producer, director and star of The Room, at the midnight screening of the film at the Uptown Theatre in Minneapolis. I bought my tix for Saturday in advance, not knowing that Horrendous Ice Storm was bearing down on the city. How do you like that drama?
Yes, so, Horrendous Ice Storm hits city at about 10 p.m or so. Every surface coated with ice, the likes of which I haven’t seen since my adolescence in Wisconsin, when we really knew what it was like to battle black ice. Not like this trifling weather we have today. No, sirree!
But Keith convinced me that we still needed to go because if you are superfan of The Room and you don’t go see Tommy Wiseau when he’s in town then… well… you’re lame. However, I was soon to discover that I am by no means the superfan of all superfans of The Room. The Room seems to ignite passions in people in quite unexpected ways.
When we last left our hero, he was in the Lavender Room at the Edmont Hotel. The three ugly ladies from Seattle who he’d been dancing and drinking with got up to leave because they wanted to get up early to catch the first show at Radio City Music Hall, which depressed Holden to no end.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT
Holden sits on a worn, “vomity-looking” chair in the hotel lobby. He’s loosened his tie, undone some shirt buttons and stares out into space, one leg thrown over the arm of the chair.
Next to him, a JANITOR vacuums the lobby rug, standing in one place and only getting what he can reach at arm’s length.
EXT. FRONT YARD – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A Doberman pinscher squats to pee on an immaculate green lawn in front of a well-kept house.
MRS. CAULFIELD, 43, slender with dark hair, opens the front door of the house and steps onto the porch.
MRS. CAULFIELD: Shoo! Get out of here! Go on!
The dog runs off. Mrs. Caulfield comes down the front walk and stands, hands on her hips, staring at the house next door.
My favorite Minnesota wacko is up to some new shenanigans – apparently Denny Hecker (Timeline Part I and Part II if you’re not familiar) tried to get married this week while out of jail for a meeting with his attorneys at the U.S. Attorney’s Office. When he was leaving the jail, he demanded to take a Bible with him (but was denied). Yes, Denny, you are a “man of faith.” I suspect that Bible’s spine has never been cracked.
Then, he’s at the meeting with his lawyers and who shows up but Christi Rowan (girlfriend/thief), a pastor and her attorney.
Suddenly, the U.S. Marshalls’ said, “Woah, wait a minute, do we have a wedding on our hands here?”
Here’s my favorite line from the article I read:
A tree branch breaking off and falling into our yard, taking our cable/Internet line with it during Saturday’s *STORM*, has majorly been cramping my style this week and also putting me horribly behind on my Catcher In The Rye project. God, I hope my agent doesn’t get pissed at me. Har har har. All I’ve really had time for is making fun of other people’s tweets, which is a sick hobby.
Another thing that’s been happening as I work on this is that I find myself caring about it quite a bit and actually… laboring over it. I guess that’s just me and my pesky work ethic. But seriously, folks… I kind of want to see this movie someday. Not MY script just… if someone who knew what they were doing adapted Catcher, I would see it. I mean, if it was taken on as a labor of love and someone really spent the time and then the studio didn’t cast Justin Beiber or Bieber or whatever that moppet’s name is.
So here is the first part of Act II, which will be broken into several parts because Act II, obviously, is long and there is only so much time one can spend at the neighborhood cafe, nursing a tea, wishing to hell Comcast would get out and fix the cable.
Continue reading “Catcher In The Rye” Act II, Part 1
“I’m never asking for help again. Whomever I ask, they huff & puff, get pissed about it. I thought there was no such thing as a dumb question.”
Oh, yeah… about that whole “no dumb question” thing. We met and decided that there are dumb questions. Did you get the e-mail? Maybe it went into your spam filter? We decided that the world was getting super cluttered with dumb questions so we said that, from now on, every human would huff and puff and hiss and maybe piss every time they were asked a dumb question. I mean, you can join in, too. Just please no more of your dumb questions.
“most companies don’t have cultures, they have cults. culture is about making sense of the world–not making war on it. which do you have?”
Well… I’m not sure. I’ve never thought about it. There’s not much time to think around here because we’re so busy growing our own food, taking mind-expanding drugs, having sex with our leader, The One True & Righteous CEO, and making bombs. Just tiny bombs, mind you. The one thing we do have here is capital letters, also known as “majuscules,” if you’re super smart. Do you have capital letters at your company? It doesn’t seem like it.
I’m getting started with the adaptation. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please read this first.
Opening scene: Arguably the most important scene in a film. Sets the mood, the tone, first impression. I’m a big believer in not having the first scene of a film be a “throwaway” scene. You know what bugs me? Movies that open with someone waking up to an alarm clock going off and then going through their morning routine, making the kids breakfast, getting the newspaper and all that jazz. YAWN. But I’m already digressing.
Here is the opening sequence, starting on Thomsen Hill at Pencey Prep in Agerstown, Pennsylvania.
When J.D. Salinger died earlier this year, I felt ambivalent, despite the fact that I’d nearly worshiped him in high school as one of the only writers out there who “got” what it was like to be a smart and disillusioned teen. Somewhere along the line, I either stopped being a smart, disillusioned teen or realized that everyone believed themselves to be smart and disillusioned and so rejected it in favor of some other modus operandi.
Along the way, I also found out more about J.D. Salinger – his reclusive lifestyle, refusal to publish more novels, his dabbling in everything from Dianetics, homeopathy and macrobiotics to urine therapy – and I found it a big turn-off. In 1999, I read Joyce Maynard’s memoir At Home In The World, which painted a picture of a pathetic old man with high ideals cloistered away in a compound. This was not my hero. This was a mere mortal who was as confused about life as the rest of us.
Continue reading The Big If… “The Catcher In The Rye” Screenplay
This commercial came on TV while Keith and I were watching yesterday. I can’t believe the levels of funny that exist in this :30 spot.
GUARD YOUR CARD! GUARD YOUR CARD!
Jesus, what a boring card conversation. I’d rather find out who has prostate cancer or who’s wearing diapers than sit around listening to this. It’s a sunny afternoon, you’re retired, you don’t gotta work and you’re sitting around talking about your Medicare card?
Plus, the very smugness of it. “These cards are super valuable. They mean we get health care, which millions of other people don’t have! Guard it with your lives. Fall on your sword. Once more into the breach, dear friends, and pass the Werthers.”
At least they made it so that there’s a black dude and his wife “schooling” the white folks about this fraud. But did you notice the white guy’s face when the black guy says, “I know the most valuable card you’re holding?” His expression says, “Please don’t shoot me.”
“Guard your caaaaard,” Card-Playing Guy #1 says. “Let me use an analogy that old people with nothing to do all day will understand by hiding my card hand. You understand? Like you’re playing sheepshead or euchre but with your Medicare card.”
“I’ve heard that Medicare fraud is a huge problem for the government,” Card-Playing Lady #2 says. “We must help the government at all costs. Robot 32JAT-541 will play her king of spades now.”
“Not only that,” Card-Playing Lady #1 says. “But stamps are going up another cent in 2011 and they want $1.50 a pound for tomatoes at Byerly’s.”
“We can crack down on criminals,” Card-Playing Guy #1 says. “And feel useful. Like we’re doing something to rid the world of meth addicts, welfare mothers and terrorists.”
Whoa to the kids who come home for Thanksgiving and accidentally see their parents’ cards!
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless.
Today’s focus is on social media, because Baby Jane just got her own Twitter account and now she thinks she’s hot shit, despite the fact that she still uses a rotary-dial telephone, has scotch delivered to her door and puts it on her “house account” at TJ’s Mighty Liquor Cabinet and listens to 78s on her Victrola. Her favorite song to listen to? “I’ve Written A Letter To Daddy,” recorded by Baby Jane, ‘natch!
Dear Baby Jane,
I friended a woman at work on Facebook several weeks ago and she still has not accepted! I’m wondering if it’s because we are co-workers and she doesn’t want her “work life” and her “personal life” to blend. I think this is stupid. It’s 2010! But what do I do? I’ve been meaning to go up to her in the lunchroom and say, “So, I’m not good enough to be your FB friend?” or “Did you overlook my friend request?”
Tying Myself in FB Knots
Pittsburgh, PA
Continue reading But You Are In That Chair: Social Media Edition, The First
“Every time our company blog passes another metric milestone, I celebrate a little. Content wins the game, and some companies never make it.”
I’m a company man, oh yes
A company man, oh yes
If they had a store I’d shop it
If they had a blog I’d read it
I’m a company man, oh yes
A company man, oh yes
If they had a song I’d sing it
If they had a cocktail I’d drink it
You get the general idea. I’ll tell you something shocking about the person who posted this. This person is not part of Gen X. I know, can you believe it?
Continue reading Annoying Tweet Of The Day – Nov. 3
Better late than never, the second part of my interview with My Friend Chris about his recent stay at the Villisca Murder House in Villisca, Iowa. If you haven’t read Part I, you’ll find it here.
Continue reading Halloween Hangover: Welcome To Murder House Part II
You know how some people get really excited to see the new Hallmark ornaments for Christmas or a new design of the crystal ball that drops in Times Square for New Years or even the new toys in the latest movie-themed Happy Meal? I feel the same way about waiting to see what the Today Show cast dresses up as for Halloween. Because it is always so degrading and yet they act like they are having the time of their lives. This year they had Matt Lauer dressed as… well, I think Clark Kent but the overall affect was more Inspector Gadget. His part was taped because he had to dash off to interview George W. Bush, the lamest of all excuses to miss Halloween.
Continue reading 12 Days of Halloween: Today Show Costume Crush
Happy Friday! Since I just watched the abomination that is the annual Today Show Halloween costume reveal, I thought I’d start out the weekend by sharing one of my favorite videos. Last year’s Today Show debacle with some naughty, costumed Ewoks. Oh, they also might be drunk. Enjoy!
I’m taking a brief break from Halloween to focus on the other Big Thing happening in our lives right now – the “race” for Governor of Minnesota. Not really much of a race. More like a leisurely stroll. This morning I listened to the latest campaign event – Minnesota Public Radio’s staging of a “job interview” for the three candidates. “Pretend you are interviewing to be CEO of Minnesota,” was the recommendation for the contenders before the questions started. How did they do? Poorly. If you’ve ever really flubbed a job interview, don’t feel bad about it – even highly coached politicians with people on staff to tell them what to say suck at it.
What would a holiday be without a heartfelt story, even Halloween? So consider this the softer, gentler side of my “12 Days Of Halloween.”
I just (as in minutes ago) found out about a five-year-old named Aiden who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. His parents are trying to pay for his treatment and care and they’ve come up with a unique way to do it.
Aiden loves monsters and loves drawing them. So his parents set up an etsy shop called Aidan’s Monsters to sell prints of his monster drawings in order to fundraise for his medical bills. Yes, folks, this is the reality that we live in today.
So if you love monsters and love drawings of monsters (and, like me, maybe you have no kids to draw things for you that you can then put on your refrigerator or frame) and would like to help the cause, browse the shop for drawings of Gill-man, Wolf Man and Scary Clowns. Prints are $12 each and there seems to be a bit of a shipping backlog right now due to response. Which is a good thing!
If you’re not up for a monster drawing (or buttons! check them out), you can make a donation through the Aid For Aiden blog.
Want to see what I bought? Nosferatu (the best of all of them, in my humble opinion) and Scary Clown No. 2.
My friend Chris recently spent the night at the Villisca Axe Murder House in Villisca, Iowa. In 1912, somebody bludgeoned to death the entire family of Josiah Moore and two overnight guests. Two adults (the mom and dad), their four kids and two neighbor kids. After the bludgeoning, there was some axing for good measure.
No one was ever convicted of the murders, despite some prime suspects. You can read all about the crime on the house’s official website.
Here is Part 1 of Chris’s account of his stay in the house with two of his bestest friends and his sister. The house is operated as a kind of tourist/hotel destination. The cost to stay in the Murder House is now $400 per night. So, yes, the owners are making quite a bit of money from the place and they do have a vested interest in people remaining interested and scared. That being said, people do feel and experience strange things in the house.
Continue reading 12 Days of Halloween: Welcome To Murder House Part I
“A student just asked me what “xoxo” means… How would you define it and in what context is it acceptable to use?”
I believe everyone knows “xoxo” means hugs and kisses and it is acceptable to use if you are 8, female and writing out Valentine’s Day cards to your entire class. Acceptable if you are passing a note to someone in high school in the 1980s, if you are 15, female and IM’ing or doing any kind of live chat or if you are a grandmother writing a card to a beloved granddaughter or grandson that has an anthropomorphic cat/dog/horse/rabbit on the front. Totally acceptable for Japanese girls or women dressed in the Harajuku style, particularly if they are a Goth Lolita, to use all the time. On everything.
I believe this covers all acceptable uses.
While I’m still standing up on my soapbox, I thought I would address another thing I can’t stand. The inspirational quote people include at the end of e-mails. You know, the quote beneath someone’s signature, title, address, phone, fax, cell, 5 websites, Twitter URL, Facebook URL? This quote is supposed to inspire the receiver of the message while also making the sender look evolved, well-read and somehow above the fray of living. A popular person to quote is Gandhi. I would say that 65.4% of all e-mail signature quotations are, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s to the point now that I see that quote and I just think, “Wank, wank, wank, you wanker.” And that’s horrible. I mean, Gandhi!
Here’s the one I got today:
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
WTF?? What is that supposed to mean to me? “Remember, a mythical person built a mythical boat to save the animals of the world by having two of each kind walk calmly up the gangplank and then stay on board for 40 days and 40 nights (the concept which spawned a horrible movie starring Josh Hartnet).” Never mind that if this experiment in genetics had actually happened, we would not be here today, you lose all credibility with me if you profess to believe a parable. Or if you are not able to recognize a parable as such.
And no, just because something built by a lot of people failed spectacularly in 1912, we should not all endeavor to only start things we can do alone. Like a blog!
This doesn’t really need any commentary, unless you haven’t seen the original video (it follows below)… “You are really dumb, for real.”
(Photo by Stacie Joy on Gothamist)
It’s getting down to the wire for Halloween costumes and once, again, I have nothing planned.
With my love of clothes and thrifting, you would not think this would be the case. You would think I would have something easily in hand by October 1st. But you would be wrong.
Part of the reason for this is that I never have big plans for Halloween, ever. Much like New Year’s Eve, I take a “wait and see” attitude and then usually end up doing something along the lines of watching a movie while eating M&Ms.
I know, I’m cra-a-zy.
An ongoing list of brilliant Halloween activities that aren’t boring and don’t involve Valleyscare. Or haunted hay rides. And probably don’t involve drinking apple cider but hopefully do involve eating candy, popcorn, drinking beer or perhaps taking a tug of whiskey from a flask. Also, may involve costumes but probably not “sexy” costumes, like Sexy Nurse, Sexy CPA, Sexy Kitty, et al.
The Parkway Theater in Minneapolis is showing the original 3D print of Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954) on October 29-31. This came out of the Universal vault, people, and if the Disney vault is any example, you know it’s hard to get shit out of there. All seats for all shows are $7.50. On Friday, Oct. 29 it screens at 9:55 p.m. On Saturday, Oct. 30 it screens at 2, 3:45 & 5:30. On Sunday, Oct. 31 it screens at 2, 3:45, 5:30, 7:30 and 9:15.
From today’s Star Tribune article about paranormal investigator Chad Lewis , here are his five top haunted places in the Twin Cities:
Calvary Cemetery in St. Paul: The vengeful spirit of a woman put to death continues to wander her final (un)resting place. [She said she wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered at Sea World, dammit.]
Landmark Center in St. Paul: Visitors to this historic site report that it is plagued by the ghost of an old gangster who still walks the building and makes himself known during weddings. [Who doesn’t like a party?]
First Avenue nightclub in Minneapolis: Visitors to this landmark building report seeing the ghost of a young woman who likes to frequent the women’s bathroom. [Really? She wants to be in there? Must really have to pee. Or do some more acid. “Holy shit! I can, like, totally see through my hands!” Or maybe it’s a ghost of a woman who committed suicide after that depressing Low Christmas show five years ago. I sort of lost my will to live after that, too.]
Wabasha Street Caves in St. Paul: Haunted by several victims of a card game gone awry. Others see the ghostly image off an old flapper girl roaming the caves. [ Still others see an old prospector with a pick and a sifting pan, Bette Davis and The Creeper from Scooby Doo.]
Forepaugh’s restaurant in St. Paul: The spirit of Joseph Forepaugh roams his former residence along with his former mistress, Molly, who met her fate in the home. [Hot ghost sex! Ghostie grab ass!]
As I flipped through City Pages yesterday I saw an ad for a shop called Eye Of Horus in Minneapolis. They were advertising, “Over 300 kinds of incense and sage,” which is cool. I mean, the incense part. There are times when one needs to get chill and burn some ‘cense!
But this whole sage thing has always puzzled me. I know some people who burned sage in every room of their house before they moved in. OK, whatever makes you feel good. I wish the people who had owned our house before us had cleaned out the garage before they left. Other people want to get rid of pesky spirits hanging around before they decide where to put the rug.
But the ad then showcases this: “a blend of sweetgrass, sage and cedar, now in a SMOKELESS SPRAY for a quick, easy energy-cleansing almost anywhere!”
You know, for all those times when burning a bundle of sage just isn’t practical.
Continue reading 12 Days Of Halloween: Spirit Cleansing To Go
It should.
Sometimes the most freaky, scary and disturbing stuff are the things that go on around us everyday. Like the stuff they put out there to “entertain” us. Exhibit A: 9-year-old Willow Smith (yeah, of that Smith family) and her new “song.”
I think the lyrics, other than the oft-repeated “I Whip My Hair Back And Forth,” are lines like, “Don’t tell me nothin’ cuz I don’t care. Just wanna have fun so let’s keep the party going.” Which party would that be? The apple juice party? The “Stick Jewels On Your Lips” party? The “I Just Peed In My Sleeping Bag” party?
If you can watch this entire video, congrats, you have been sufficiently numbed to pop culture. It really freaks me out, more than ghosts, witches and goblins. OK, except for one witch – Christine O’Donnell did not know that the U.S. Constitution separates church and state.
“Just took my contacts out for the first time in 4 or 5 days. Feels AMAZING.”
I don’t think I really need to add my commentary to this one. It pretty much says all there is to say on human stupidity enabled by Twitter.
Are you familiar with the “Special K Challenge,” brought to us by Special K cereal? Maybe you’ve seen the TV commercials in which a pretty normal looking woman starts eating cereal all the time and then turns into what might best be described as a “lady of the night?” Meaning, she goes from wearing jeans and a blouse to a red dress and garish make-up while twirling around her kitchen waiting for her 9 p.m. “appointment” to show up.
I’ve been aware of the “Challenge” for awhile. It’s one of those things that flies by me in my media-soaked days – Christine O’Donnell is a witch, The Social Network was number one at the box office, Special K Challenge.
But then I saw a magazine ad that actually laid out what one is supposed to do on the Challenge.
The first page says, “Jeans don’t lie. The best way to tell how great you look is in your jeans. Drop a jean size in 2 weeks. Take the Special K Challenge.”
Day 1: bright sun, cloudless sky, 75 degrees, no humidity
My cab driver told me that apartments in Midtown – 1 bedroom – start at about $2,500 per month. He lives in Brooklyn. The week before my visit, the UN was in session or doing some of their serious Business and traffic was terrible for all the cab drivers. He sat in one block for 20 minutes without moving while ambassadors and presidents moved through in their special envoys. He would like to take a day off, maybe to enjoy the weather, but can’t afford to. He pays the same amount to the cab company every month, whether he’s working or not. They don’t care if the car is sitting out in Brooklyn or moving through the streets of Manhattan picking up fares – they charge the same. He seemed very wistful, thinking of having a day off. I said, “Do you ever get tired of sitting in traffic?” and he laughed. “Sometimes,” he said.
Lunch at a thai place around the corner from the Distrikt (my cab driver pointed out to me that they spelled the name wrong). Tofu, veggies and rice and some sauce that was so good I wanted to lick the plate.
Back from NYC, a whirlwind tour of Manhattan by subway and foot. There would have been a ferry involved as well if the wait to get on it had not been an hour and a half.
Now back in the Midwest, I bring stories to my Midwestern brethren. Stories about jeggings (and leggings) and buses called jitneys. And lots of things lying on curbs and clothes, glorious clothes, and people who are not at all well in the head.
But first, jeggings.
I never took this trend seriously. Jeggings? Leggings made to look like jeans only tight, tight like leggings with no real zipper or buttons but perhaps the imitation of them, plus seams, drawn onto the fabric? Yes.
If I were, say, Great Britain during the time when GB controlled India, jeggings would be Ghandi. Someone, something, that I didn’t take very seriously at first and then… and then… oh, shit. Something like that.
I saw this TV ad put out by Minnesota Forward this morning. MN Forward is the group that Target and Best Buy gave money to in support of Republican Tom Emmer for Governor.
What I’m wondering is if the production and design teams at Target and Best Buy die a little inside when they see the low-quality production values on the commercials their companies paid for. Target especially, since they put a lot of money into design and art direction for all their ad campaigns. And then to see this… it could make a person lose faith in God.
The title of the ad is “Still Sad? Mark Dayton’s Plans To Raise Taxes,” but a better title could be “Do We Make You Sad? All That Target Money and We Can’t Afford Quality Production Values.”
On a recent afternoon I pulled out my copy of Duran Duran’s Decade, their collection of mega-hits from the 80s. I don’t think DD gets its due when it comes to discussing the hit makers of the 80s – some even described them as a “throw-away pop group.” Shudder. What other band so perfectly exemplifies the 80s use of heavy synth, nonsense lyrics and sex appeal? NOT Def Leppard, that’s for sure. If I were to order the songs on this disc into my perfect DD Queue Of Good Times, it would go like this:
1. Rio – my favorite DD song, hands down. I recently put it on a playlist that I will listen to while I fly to NYC. “Dancing on the sand” is such an 80s, Eurotrash thing to do. I love it. I wish I could say it was one of my hobbies on Facebook. I also hope that at some point in my life someone comes up to me and says, “I’ve seen you on the beach and I’ve seen you on TV.” The best DD beats. If you played “Rio” in a club today, people would still get out there and dance it up. Of course, they also still get out there for “YMCA.” There’s no accounting for taste.
“I must look approachable…was asked by a dad at Target if he picked the right feminine products for his young daughter. He did.”
Wait, no he didn’t!! You steered him wrong! Not tampons, you idiot, pads. With belts. Thick, thick pads that make a girl feel like she’s wearing a diaper. Huge pads are the way to go. The kind of pads that make wearing your skinny jeans impossible. The kind of pad that makes wearing a short skirt seem scandalous and obscene.
Alternately…
What a sad pick-up line. “Hey, you look like a lady who’s enjoyed a robust estrous cycle or two. Would you wear this tampon? You would? I have a young daughter and she needs some tampons… I became a dad when I was really young. Didn’t work out with the mother. Now I’ve got a teen and I’m still in my prime. Would you like to go to dinner sometime? Do you enjoy Steak-And-Ale?”
The back cover of City Pages is filled with disconcerting questions… I guess this is the latest technique used to get people to read your classified ad. Ask a probing question!
Are YOU looking for Meaningful Work? (is “Meaningful Work” capitalized because it’s an official category of work or a profession or what?)
Drinking Problem?
Need Cash?
Have a 10-17 yr old child?
Do you fear and avoid social situations?
No Where to go? Know Where to Go!
Need a Lawyer?
Are you a SNUFF user who is interested in volunteering in a research study? (I assume we’re talking the tobacco product here and not the porn product)
“It’s National Happy Hour Day and from 5-6pm we’ll be serving FREE Budweiser.”
For one hour today we will serve up FREE piss.
Because we hate National Happy Hour Day and want everyone to die.
And, yeah, probably the new black as well. Although that’s such a tired joke.
Minimalism is where it’s at today. It’s more than a trend, it’s a lifestyle.
Let’s start with fashion. Not just paired-down style but a paired-down wardrobe. There are all kinds of sites online extolling the virtues of making due with less. In these uncertain times, etc.
Last year, Sheena Matheiken launched The Uniform Project, in which she wore seven identical black dresses every day of the week for a year and did a hell of a lot of accessorizing. However, the accessories were all vintage, thrifted, donated items so she wasn’t out shopping for new stuff. She also raised money for children living in Indian slums by putting aside a dollar each day and asking blog visitors for donations. Now through with her year, the Uniform Project has moved on to some other “pilot projects” of what seems to be other women taking the challenge.
I enjoy you. I’ve enjoyed our time together.
I’ve enjoyed staring at the back of your low-riding Buick in traffic, your license plate telling the world you’re physically disabled… or is it mentally disabled? Because you are only going 40 miles per hour. And your children are bouncing around in the back seat, throwing things. And you have your hand up in the air, fingers open, as if to catch something, fingers grasping air… but you wait for several minutes before finally one of your children tosses something at you. A puppet? A stuffed raccoon?
You take it and throw it on the seat next to you. That’s that, I think. Now we can get to the business of driving.
But no.
Because now it’s time to merge onto I-94 while you comb your long, 1970s locks with a brush. I suppose it does make your hair look better. Silky instead of a snarled mess.
Brushing, brushing… swerving. Swerving… you merge. I have to merge behind you. I want so badly to get away from you. No offense. I understand. Two kids, a broken down Buick, those disabilities to contend with. I get ready to make my move to the next lane to the left and then… your enormous, laborious red signal light comes on. You want to get over too! In front of me. Maybe you want our little caravan to go on just a little while longer. You feel safe with me behind you.
But no. I step on the gas. Sorry, you’re not getting in front of me again. I look over as I pass by your car. You are so short. Your glasses are so enormous. Like big magnifying glasses strapped to your face.
How do you ever get anywhere?
“Was called a ‘do gooder’ today as if it’s an insult. I’ll take that label over ‘do nothing’ or ‘do nothing but complain about everything.'”
I like to be called a Do-Nothing-Who-Makes-Pithy-Comments-About-Do-Gooders.
Do gooder IS a bit of an insult. It means please stop being such a Pollyanna and let us live our lives the way we wanna live them. As Bobby Brown would say, “I made this money, you didn’t. It’s my prerogative.”
Speaking of do-gooders… you may remember this little rant from a week or two ago. Well, today I discovered who that “turn the light off and save some pennies” do-gooder is. A sad-looking older woman who frequents the bathroom and always wears a black cardigan. She is very frail. She sighs a lot. She works for some architectural/engineering firm down the hall. I should have known all along! She looks as if she spends her free time washing homeless people’s feet. By that I mean, of course! Of course she’s the one who is turning off the light. And I can’t really yell at Mother Theresa. So I must abide.
The scene: a table at a networking/”learning” lunch for marketing/pr/communicator types
The menu: dried-looking chicken breast on top of a salad, rolls with tiny balls of butter by their sides, cookies
Gregarious Woman With Crazy Eyes: Hi! Hi everyone! What’s your name? Where do you work? Let me give you my card.
Hands cards all around from a stack of 100.
“Tonight’s story has us all talking… tune in at 10 to hear why a local dentist says certain candies are close to battery acid!”
Oh, I’m tuning in. All this time they told me me to stop drinking battery acid, have some candy instead, and now this? I COULD HAVE HAD MY ACID ALL ALONG!!!!
But, wait a minute… is this the top story? Is this your lead because you think people will stop eating this acidic candy? Ain’t gonna happen. We’ve all heard for 25 years about how Coke will take all the rust off a nail and all the carrion off a mouse carcass but that hasn’t stopped us from drinking it. In fact, we want more of it. We want to clean out our insides, make them shiny and new. We like chemicals that sweep through our bodies destroying rust and mildew and healthy, pink tissue. If your guts are perforated, you haven’t lived!
Here are three things I have a very difficult time with:
1. Band-Aids floating in swimming pools. Maybe the little white pad is smeared with just the faintest hint of blood; maybe its been bleached out entirely by the pool chemicals. No matter, it still ruins a good time. Here’s the thing: Band-Aids in pools are a social equalizer, like taxes and death. I’ve seen them floating in city park pools, at water slide pools, in the pools of very nice resorts, even a few times in the ocean. Band-Aids are in all bodies of water in which one can swim. If you see one, it’s best not to dwell on where it may have come from, which body part it covered. All the Band-Aids I see I pretend came off a nasty paper cut. All the Band-Aids that float by me were simply being used to hide a bruise. They were NOT covering up a weeping, infected facial wound. They were not being used to cover a recently-lanced boil. Nope. Definitely not.
On October 18, the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is slated to close its doors. Apparently, interest in Liberace is down these days. According to the museum’s president, in the good old days the museum would host about 450,000 visitors per year. Now they are struggling to reach 50,000 per year. However, there are no plans to auction off any of Liberace’s belongings – beautiful costumes, his collection of pianos (some encrusted with sequins and mirrors) and his car collection, with every car in pairs -Â and there is some hope that the museum will reopen at some point.
Liberace was known as “Mr. Showmanship” and was also known for his eccentricities. A penchant for gold, sequins, candelabra, etc. But he had enormous talent as well and could play anything – from Beethoven to polka to, probably, “Mustang Sally” with panache.
Now we have Lady Gaga. I wish I could say that Lady Gaga is Liberace reincarnated. Alas, she was born in 1986 and he died in 1987.
Facts about Liberace:
Another illusion shattered today: I don’t think I’ll ever be a literary grant recipient. I thought maybe I could be. I’ve also thought, at various times in my life, that I could be a MFA kind of person but I keep changing my mind. In theory, when toying with the idea is like watching a cloud move across the sky, it sounds interesting and exciting. But when I think about the actual process of work shopping my writing with the same people for two or three years, of reading or listening to their writing for two or three years and probably hoping that my writing would not begin to sound like their writing or that my writing would not begin to be “MFA-y,” I get cold feet. Not to mention that sometimes I feel like MFA’s turn people into whiny bitches. But that’s just me.
In honor of the publication of True Prep by Lisa Birnbach (a follow-up to The Official Preppy Handbook, which I blogged about last year) this month, the baby naming website Baby Names Garden has posted a list of preppy names and nicknames and is taking reader suggestions.
As it so happens, my own copy of True Prep arrived in the mail today and a quick glance through reveals that it does not address preppy names this time around. In many ways, preppy names and nicknames often stay the same. After all, prep is about staying power, the tried and true; not trying to outdo oneself with flash and sass. Case in point, when Gwenyth Paltrow named her daughter Apple -Â I’m still of the mind that a simple “Claire” or “Tinsley” would have sufficed.
Celebrate Friday with some heart-healthy braunschweiger! Not familiar with this treat? Its pork liver sausage and it’s spreadable. Eat it on Ritz crackers or on white bread with mayo and – presto – you’re from Wisconsin. Eat it on a Kaiser roll with onions, mayo, mustard and some cheese and you’re practically German.
*Not recommended for anyone who is watching their salt intake. Or for anyone who cares about what they eat.
** Not recommended for vegetarians.
“If you are not excited about the event you are planning then how can your attendees be?”
Well, let’s see. “Attendees” (what happened to “guests?”) will be there to eat, drink and socialize and do other fun stuff while the worker bees/planners will be doing things like running around trying to find pitchers of water, having name tags thrown back at them, dealing with a toilet paper shortage, missing out on all the appetizers and cursing the fact that the event is the same night as a party/concert/play/TV show airing that they were really, really looking forward to.
So there.
