It’s heady times in Hollywood as everyone prepares for the 83rd Academy Awards on February 27, hosted by jack-of-all-creative-trades James Franco and Anne “The Teeth” Hathaway. At least, that’s what I imagine. Ah, probably most people don’t give a shit. But still… it gives all of us something to think about other than Flavor Flav opening a chicken restaurant in Iowa or the state of the union or Mini Kiss.
I confess to be the kind of person who sits through the entire awards show, minus the musical numbers. I can never stand the musical numbers, which are predictably Randy Newman, a 1980s or 90s female star like Vanessa Williams, Cher or Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles or something more unpredictable, like the year Three 6 Mafia performed “It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp.”
I like the formality of the Oscars. I like how everyone has to look their best. I know that people say award shows like this are bogus but I suspect that if you won an Academy Award you would not feel this way. I would not feel that way. I would be like that Italian guy who so annoyed people with his twee-ness in 1999.
Continue reading My Important and Precious Oscar Predictions
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I do nothing. There is little prep work or anxiety beyond going to the grocery store and buying a bunch of food with which to construct a feast. I don’t have to worry about seeing old friends, relatives I don’t enjoy, etc. I take a complete misanthrope’s approach to the entire thing – I want to watch movies, read books, eat good food and, essentially, hide in my house. This plan of inaction continues into Black Friday, when I watch the action from afar.
Tonight is the 
The number one slot for weird goes to the “Brother Homecoming” commercial for Folgers (an update on the classic “Peter Comes Home” commercial from years ago). The older brother knocks on the front door (weird already) and his sister answers it. Only you have no idea she’s his sister based on his reaction – he’s says, “Do I have the wrong house?” meaning, “You’re one sexy lady!” and she points to herself and says, “Sister! Ha ha ha.” What? I expected them to start making out. She says something like, “I waited up for you all night.” Huh? Really? And then he says, “It’s a long way from West Africa.” Notice he says West Africa, which is nice and vague and not at all threatening so people don’t become sad thinking about Darfur or upset thinking about Somali pirates.
You know how, when you’re healthy, you sometimes think, “Oh, if only I could stay home today and lie on the couch and watch TV ALL DAY. Or read ALL DAY. And eat whatever I want. And ignore the world?” And then, as soon as you’re sick and actually lying on the couch, watching TV and reading back issues of The New Yorker ALL DAY, you feel horrible, miserable and don’t enjoy it at all? Yeah, what’s that all about? I know life isn’t fair but, come on, throw me a wishbone here.