From the diary of Sue Ellen Ewing, a.k.a. Sue Ellen:

Dear Diary,
Just when I thought I could not experience a deeper sense of despair than the day my husband rebuffed my attempt to reignite our love life with sexy lingerie by calling my black nightie cheap, I’ve reached new lows.

It all started when JR and Ray went to Waco and ended up sleeping with two townies in a motel. Then two men (one of them a husband to one of the women, one of them her brother) came to Southfork to rape Ewing women as revenge. I guess it was that whole Bible-eye-for-an-eye thing.

All this in the middle of a wind storm!

I was upset by the entire episode, to be sure, but I was mortified by how ineffectual JR was in keeping them from humiliating me. He sat there looking guilty, acting like he couldn’t possibly do anything because they had a gun pointed at him.

It’s hard finding out that the love of your life won’t take a bullet for you. But then maybe I should have seen that coming.

They talked a lot about having their way with us and explained, ad nauseam why it had to be this way. That JR and Ray had their way with their women, now they had to have their way with Ewing women.

The heavy-set one made me go over to my house and get into my old Miss Texas banner and a swimming suit. They guy, who looked a lot like Brian Dennehy, actually went through all my suits and held them up to me, telling me which was a good cut and color. I think he was right about my brown one. Anyway, finally he picked one out and then took me back over to the main house (in the wind storm!) to  sing the song I sang for the talent portion of the pageant. That sick bastard! I could barely get through my rendition of “People” without breaking down.

Believe me, that is not at all how I sang it when I won the title. I could see Miss Ellie and Pammy judging me from their respective living room couches. “This is what she did for talent?” they were thinking. “This is how she won? Must have been rigged.”

Luckily, Jock and Bobby busted in and took those crooks down! Later I said to JR, “Aren’t you ashamed? Your father having to ride in and rescue you?” He went and slept in the hayloft.

And then, THEN, there was the annual Ewing barbecue. Not even enough time for me to recover from the trauma of the break-in and I’m out there dancing on plywood in the hot sun. Pammy and Bobby announced she was pregnant in the middle of it all and this was enough, I’m sorry to say, to send me on a three-day bender.

I don’t remember much of what happened the rest of that day except I was riding on a horse, around and around, and Bobby tried to stop me. So I did stop and went inside to puke, started watching The Young & The Restless, passed out and when I woke up, Pammy wasn’t pregnant anymore and it was JR’s fault.

She fell out of the hayloft. Oops.

I can only confess to you, Dear Diary, that I was not even a little bit sad for her. That bitch has everything – the young husband who goes around with his shirt off, those turtlenecks, perky boobs… I am a wretched, wretched soul.

I also really, really like bourbon.