As I flipped through City Pages yesterday I saw an ad for a shop called Eye Of Horus in Minneapolis. They were advertising, “Over 300 kinds of incense and sage,” which is cool. I mean, the incense part. There are times when one needs to get chill and burn some ‘cense!

But this whole sage thing has always puzzled me. I know some people who burned sage in every room of their house before they moved in. OK, whatever makes you feel good. I wish the people who had owned our house before us had cleaned out the garage before they left. Other people want to get rid of pesky spirits hanging around before they decide where to put the rug.

But the ad then showcases this: “a blend of sweetgrass, sage and cedar, now in a SMOKELESS SPRAY for a quick, easy energy-cleansing almost anywhere!”

You know, for all those times when burning a bundle of sage just isn’t practical.

Public bathrooms: “Wow, it smells unholy in here. I’m feeling the presence of restless, ancestral turds. Let me get out my spray.”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (this is the sound of the spray)

The bus: “My seat is giving off vibes of dead homeless person. Yikes! Better get out my spray.”

SHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The public library: “This public computer is contaminated with the spirit of old porn. I can’t check my AOL mail here! Let me spray it down.”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTT. (computer dies)

Your friend’s house: “Gina, it stinks of a triple homicide committed in the late 1960’s up in here. Let me spray all your rooms down before we watch Biggest Loser, OK?”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The movie theater: “Uh oh! My senses are telling me they screened Wild Hogs in here in 2007 and the bad mojo is still hanging around. How am I supposed to enjoy The Social Network with the last wisps of Tim Allen’s career in the air?”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

At the park: “Oh, Lilly, don’t go over there. That hill is alive with the angry spirit of thousands of squirrels! They will nibble you to death! Let Mommy spray first.”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Actually, it’s a pretty fun game. And if you ever want to freak people out, be that person with the sage spray. You’ll find out who your real friends are pretty quickly. And you’ll probably get kicked out of a lot of places.