Tag Archives: bette davis

But You Are In That Chair: The Halloween Edition

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her column But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s column is, appropriately, all about Halloween and how to celebrate the holiday if, like Baby Jane, you just woke up after a four-day drinking binge and realized that not a thing has been done to prepare for the holiday – no fake cobwebs strewn in the bushes, no plastic gravestones inserted in the front lawn and no costume purchased from the Halloween superstore that operates out of what used to be your neighborhood Blockbuster outlet.

Let the Halloween fun begin!

Dear Baby Jane,
OK, I need some good last-minute costume ideas. I was going to do what I do every year – sit in my house watching TV with all the shades drawn and the lights off – but now I’ve been invited to go to a party and then dancing at a club. I do like to go to da club! I need something easy and cheap.
Gonna Party Like It’s 1997
Baltimore, MD

Dear Party 1997,
The best costume idea I’ve ever had is the one I use  year after year – a drunk. All it requires is to get drunk. Then stumble around and say things you’ll regret the next day. If you’ve got the stones to take it up a notch, vomit on someone. It’s not just a costume – it’s performance art. If  booze isn’t your thing, pop some Lunesta and wait for that neon butterfly to appear. Then talk to it. Pet it. Now that’s what I call creepy. Want another idea? Go as a depressed person. All it requires is… nothing. Just read some news on the Internet and walk out of your house. When people ask you what you are, you say, “I’m depressed!” in an anxious, annoyed and yet dejected manner. But if you really, really want to go for the WOW factor, if you really want to be scary, here’s my best suggestion:

Now that’s scary.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane:
Halloween is finally here and I’m having all my friends over for a séance. We’re going to find the open portal in my house (I think it’s in the laundry room but my husband insists it’s in our second bathroom), talk to the ghost who’s  been hanging around our split-level ranch for three years we’ve lived here and help her/him/it cross-over to other side. Any suggestions on what we could say to keep things on a positive level but convince them it’s time to go? I don’t want to frighten or anger them with any negative energy.
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Batty,
I had to do this very thing two years ago. It seems my sister, Blanche, just wasn’t ready to take her final bow. She kept hanging around, moping, using my eyebrow pencils at 3 a.m.  and pushing her old wheelchair ( which I keep around for toting empties back to the liquor store) down the stairs. It got oh so tiresome.

I got a few of my neighbors together, mostly people who wanted to see the inside of my house so they could tell everyone else about it on Twitter, and we all held hands (I wore gloves) and sat in a circle. I started out trying to use logic on her, pointing out that she was hanging around the sister who tried to feed her rats, tied her up, murdered her etc. etc. Big mistake – turns out people who turn into ghosts don’t really believe in logic.  Next, I listened to the walls and patted them while saying, “There, there, baby, it will be OK.” Nothing. So I started to sing and play the ballad rendition of “It’s Raining Men” I’d been working on and she disappeared for good. And so did all the neighbors, which was another good thing because they were starting to ask for things like food, water and where the bathroom was. So my advice is to sing. And maybe do some soft shoe.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
Tonight is the big night but I can’t decide which sexy thing I want to be. My best friend wants us to be sexy kitties because its soooo easy and mainstream and we’ll probably get laid. But I want to be sexy iPhone in honor of Steve Jobs. We decided to let you make the call. Ha ha ha – pun intended!
Sexy Something Or Other
Appleton, WI

Dear Sexy Something,
Have you ever filled a bathtub with chocolate-covered cherries, gotten into it and then rolled around so that the chocolates spill out their syrupy, cheap cherry goodness? Then gotten out of the tub and sprayed yourself with a fixative or sealer? That, my dear, is a sexy costume. Unless, of course, you have access to a costume that looks like a tumbler of whiskey on the rocks.

Or, do you have something that would make you look like a cigarillo? Maybe a Swisher Sweet? Take me to Swishertown!

Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
I was reading a list of top songs for Halloween – “The Monster Mash,” “Werewolves of London,” “Bark At the Moon,” – but noticed that you didn’t make the list with “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy,” clearly one of the creepiest songs of all time. Not only does this seem like a major oversight it means that your legacy has not been secured. Do you worry about this?
Dumb Ditty
Portland, OR

Dear Dumb Dittie,
I’m not going to dignify this with a response other than to show you THIS:

I’ll bet you’re speechless. Ms. Bette Davis singing about me. Ha!
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
No matter what anyone says, to me Halloween is all about the candy. I’m crazy about it! I was just curious – what’s your favorite Halloween candy?
Sweet Tooth
Kalamazoo, MI

Dear Sweet Tooth,
Here’s what I’ll be handing out to all the kiddies who come by tonight:

Chocolate Liquor Bottles! One 64-count box for them and one 64-count box for me.

Baby Jane Recommends

Every Halloween I put on my Kim Carnes album and listen to “Bette Davis Eyes” while dancing in front of the windows with all the lights on. Just a little free entertainment for the neighbors.

As I’ve probably mentioned four dozen times, I luv Bette Davis. So I fully endorse this t-shirt, made by some people who call themselves Dolce & Gabbana.  Although it’s expensive, it’s a fitting and loving tribute to the greatest actress of all time (except for Kim Fields). Go check it out and buy one for when you’re lounging around the house with a dirty martini while viewing The Watcher In The Woods for the 27th time.


But You Are In That Chair: The Social Etiquette Edition

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. The summer season is upon us and many are preparing for the usual round of seven weddings, 14 barbecues and the odd key party. To help you prepare, Baby Jane takes time to answer some of your most pressing social etiquette questions. She has time since she’s not shaving her armpits this year and also is refusing to return books to the library. Also, she’s been banned from the beach.

Dear Baby Jane,
I am appalled! My friend is getting married for the third time and had the gall to register for wedding gifts. The first time around I bought her the expensive mixer she wanted. The second time around I said, “Well, everyone makes a mistake,” and went all in for several place settings of the china she wanted for “entertaining.” Now I’m on the hook for another gift? Can I decline? Should I just put $20 in an envelope and call it good? Even more horrifying – she’s going for the white princess wedding gown. I told her I think she should go with a demure, cream-colored suit.
Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Enuff,
Who died and made you Queen of Weddings? You will get your friend a gift, dammit. I don’t care if she’s on her way to nine husbands, you should get her a gift for every single one of ’em. After all, you’re obviously kind of a bitch and probably don’t have that many friends. Do you really want to piss her off? Now, the kind of gift is up for debate. A bottle of Mount Gay Rum? That would be great! A handful of painkillers, siphoned off of other friends’ stashes when you visit their bathrooms during dinner parties? Wonderful, especially if tied with a bow from that old box of chocolate-covered cherries in the attic. See? Get creative? Don’t do the registry – that is so boring. As for the dress, only lesbians where suits to their weddings. Lesbians and women over 70. Not that I would wear a suit. I’d wear a pinafore, of course.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
I am the absolute worst at making small talk at parties! I dread it. Last year at a barbecue I asked a woman what she did for a living and she said, “I’m an accountant,” and I said, “Well,” and then stared at her for at least 30 seconds trying to come up with something clever to say. I still have nightmares about that one. I meet someone and my mind goes blank or I blurt out the worst thing possible, like, “Don’t you wish we could have a Popsicle right now?” or “Remember the TV show Sigmund The Sea Monster?” HELP!
Tongue-Tied & Twisted
Madison, Wisconsin

Dear Tongue Twisted,
I read your letter nine times and I’m failing to see what the problem is. Popsicles? Brilliant! Sigmund the Sea Monster? I have it on VHS! It sounds to me like you’re a conversational genius who is underappreciated. However, since this is supposed to be a column in which I “help people,” I’ve come up sure-fire conversation starters for you that always work for me.

1. Hey, did you see that green thing in the bathroom wastebasket? What do you suppose that is?

2. Do you know who I am?

3. Do you like me?

4. What do you think of my make-up/hair/fashion?

5. Are you drunk? I am.

6. Do you want to French kiss me in the broom closet?

7. Do you really think your job matters in the overall scheme of the Universe?

8. Have you ever touched a hippo’s snout?

9. Flowers: plastic or silk?

10. Do you want to get high?

Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
My sister is getting married this summer. I am the older sister but I’m not married yet, something I hear about constantly. Although she doesn’t know it, I’ve been dating one of my sister’s old boyfriends and things are getting more serious. I want to bring him to the wedding as my date rather than spend the evening alone, fielding questions about my status. Is this OK? I think it is because she’s marrying someone else and the old boyfriend says she was a drag – there is no chemistry between them!
Allentown, Pennsylvania

Hey Scraps,
Things get complicated when it comes to sisters. If you show up with her old boyfriend there are bound to be hurt feelings… so I say go for it! Sometimes a sister, particularly an uppity one who thinks she’s so great just because she’s getting married or has a hit movie or has a million dollars, needs that needle of a reminder that’s she’s no better than you are. In fact, this boyfriend likes you better! Maybe you don’t have such an irritating voice, maybe you give good blow jobs, how do I know? Love is a strange and fickle thing. Anyway, show up with the boyfriend, invest in a knock-out dress and don’t play second fiddle to that twit.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
Every summer my corporation has a big barbecue and every summer I end up getting drunk and doing something embarrassing – throwing up in the potato salad bowl, stabbing myself with Jarts, pulling down my pants… It’s terrible. But everyone else thinks it’s a riot. Politically, I have to go to the event – not going would be as good as quitting my job – but I can only endure it if I’m drunk. But I’m tired of being the joke. What are your tips for enduring a social situation without the aid of booze?
Liquored Up
Tucson, Arizona

Dear Liquored Up,
I’ve never been to a party without getting drunk before, during and after. Why else do people have parties? That being said, you could switch to pills. But if your mind is made up that you’re going to be the good little boy or girl, fine. I would say bring something to bite down on, like a rag or a stick, so that when people start talking about things like T-ball and yard sales and saving up to redo the kitchen, you can clamp down on something and keep yourself from reaching for the booze. Alternately, you could come to the party very hungover instead of drunk – you’d be unable to look at alcohol for at least the first hour or two, you would not be able to say much or move and could basically occupy space without the danger of actually saying or doing anything. My other suggestion would be to come in a chicken or gorilla suit – you’re hilarious and you can’t actually get a drink up to your mouth because of your giant, fake head.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
It’s summer and I’m ready to party, meet some ladies and get my humpty-hump on. Do you know what that is? It’s S-E-X. What are some great places to meet ladies this summer and get my hands on their rumps?
Horn Doggy
Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear Horn Dog,
There has always been a plethora of rumps in Hollywood, so I suggest starting there. Drive out in a brown van with tiny, tinted windows in the back and make your debut. You may end up in a movie or humping a would-be actress! As for places to party in general… I like any party where there is plenty of shrubbery. I’m usually sitting in there singing to myself, not having S-E-X but I’ve seen many people partake of sex in shrubs and it seems like an OK thing to do. Also, I like parties on boats. If you don’t like the people you’re with, you can stare out at the water and imagine killing yourself or you can tell everyone you just saw a merman and they will leave you alone. The best part about a party on a boat is when you’re the one going “below deck” with the attractive guy in the captain’s hat, gold necklace and no shirt.
Baby Jane

Baby Jane Recommends

baby jane curtain small for blogEvery year I’m looking for a good cause to support or an organization I can really get behind. For the right organization, I’ll even dig up a jam jar of money from the backyard. In 2011 I’m throwing my weight behind the Snack Food Association (SFA). Businesses in SFA include, but are not limited to, manufacturers of potato chips, tortilla chips, cereal snacks, pretzels, popcorn, cheese snacks, snack crackers, meat snacks, pork rinds, snack nuts, party mix, corn snacks, pellet snacks, fruit snacks, snack bars, granola, snack cakes, cookies and various other snacks. I love my pellet snacks! Gimme pellets! It’s been my lifelong dream to eat much like a gerbil in a glass cage.

And snacks have been under attack lately. So I find my membership to be a real statement. Why, in just a few days I’ll be leaving my house for the first time in three months to attend the SFA Acrylamide Conference. I’m going to learn a lot and I’m really going to drink a lot but, most importantly, I heard the snacks between sessions are killer.

And I can’t even talk about SNAXPO 2012 without getting giddy and short of breath. Support the SFA!!

But You Are In That Chair: Social Media Edition, The First

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless.

Today’s focus is on social media, because Baby Jane just got her own Twitter account and now she thinks she’s hot shit, despite the fact that she still uses a rotary-dial telephone, has scotch delivered to her door and puts it on her “house account” at TJ’s Mighty Liquor Cabinet and listens to 78s on her Victrola. Her favorite song to listen to? “I’ve Written A Letter To Daddy,” recorded by Baby Jane, ‘natch!

Dear Baby Jane,
I friended a woman at work on Facebook several weeks ago and she still has not accepted! I’m wondering if it’s because we are co-workers and she doesn’t want her “work life” and her “personal life” to blend. I think this is stupid. It’s 2010! But what do I do? I’ve been meaning to go up to her in the lunchroom and say, “So, I’m not good enough to be your FB friend?” or “Did you overlook my friend request?”
Tying Myself in FB Knots
Pittsburgh, PA

Continue reading But You Are In That Chair: Social Media Edition, The First

But You Are In That Chair! Hollywood Edition

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s focus is providing guidance for all those with aspirations of breaking into Hollywood, whether as writer, director or actor. Baby Jane has done it and seen it all and the letters continue to pour in every week. Here is just a sampling of some of the letters waiting on her stack:

Dear Baby Jane,
I want to sign-up with a talent agency and the first thing they told me was, “You need a headshot.” But professional headshots cost a lot of money! Can’t I do them myself? The agency said absolutely not… but what do you think?
The Next Katie Holmes
Tulsa, OK

Continue reading But You Are In That Chair! Hollywood Edition

But You Are In That Chair! Fashion Edition

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s column features special guest Anna Wintour, Editor In Chief of Vogue Magazine and the person many consider to be the most powerful in the fashion industry today. Today’s focus is on providing guidance for the fashion illiterate while also pointing out trends for summer. Welcome to the Summer Fashion! Fashion! Fashion! edition.

Dear Baby Jane & Anna,
I’m fashion challenged. I go out and buy new clothes but they never look quite right; stuff I buy doesn’t match anything in my closet and I end up wearing button down shirts with sweatpants. How can I take steps to change this?
Dowdy & Doubtful
Erie, PA

Continue reading But You Are In That Chair! Fashion Edition