But You Are In That Chair: Social Media Edition, The First

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless.

Today’s focus is on social media, because Baby Jane just got her own Twitter account and now she thinks she’s hot shit, despite the fact that she still uses a rotary-dial telephone, has scotch delivered to her door and puts it on her “house account” at TJ’s Mighty Liquor Cabinet and listens to 78s on her Victrola. Her favorite song to listen to? “I’ve Written A Letter To Daddy,” recorded by Baby Jane, ‘natch!

Dear Baby Jane,
I friended a woman at work on Facebook several weeks ago and she still has not accepted! I’m wondering if it’s because we are co-workers and she doesn’t want her “work life” and her “personal life” to blend. I think this is stupid. It’s 2010! But what do I do? I’ve been meaning to go up to her in the lunchroom and say, “So, I’m not good enough to be your FB friend?” or “Did you overlook my friend request?”
Tying Myself in FB Knots
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Knots,
What the fuck? This is an outrage. Interestingly enough, this happened to me! I friended Joan Crawford and she never accepted so I blocked the bitch! Now she can’t see any of my funny updates and I have a lot of funny updates. I mean, what the hell? I sit in my house drinking all day – Facebook was made for me. Here’s a sample of my recent updates:

“Thought I was eating rat but it was just really tough leftover meatloaf with furry mold. HA!”

“Ninety-nine bottles of gin on the wall, 99 bottles of gin… Take one down, drink it all myself, throw up… 98 bottles of gin on the wall. HA!”

“Who wants to go to the beach and get ice cream with me? We can play in the sand! HA!”

So, anyway, here’s what I would do to your co-worker. Block that bitch on Facebook. Then slash her tires while you’re at work one day. And then pay someone to hurt her a little. I’m talking a broken finger or a knocked-out tooth, not cutting off a leg or smashing her head in with a hammer.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
I work for a mid-sized company that is building it’s social media strategy. I know we need to have more than just a Facebook page and an Twitter account. What about YouTube, Flickr, LinkedIn, Vimeo, digg? There are so many choices and how to keep them all updated keeps me up at night. Also, how many interns should I take on to deal with all this stuff. Should there be a dedicated Facebook Intern and another for Twitter?
Undies In A Bunch
Salt Lake City, UT

Dear Undies,
I’d like to quote one of my favorite bands, Public Enemy, here: “Don’t believe the hype.” For Christ’s sake, just pick something and get on with it! Would I be who I am today if I had sat around as a child star thinking – Should I do music? Comedy? Dance? Acting? No! As for WHAT to pick, I have no flippin’ idea. I’ve never heard of LinkedIn or Vimeo or digg. YouTube I have heard of. I have my own account where I post my Greatest Moments. Check it out:

So maybe your company could post a bunch of videos like this -  of someone, maybe your CEO, totally dominating and controlling a mid-level manager. You’d get so many hits!

As for interns… God, I love interns. I have an intern for everything. There’s the Clean-Up-My-Vomit, You-Muppet Intern. There’s the Run-Down-To-The-Store-And-Get-Me-Smokes-And-Deviled-Ham Intern. There’s the Watch-My-Neighbor-Out-The-Window Intern. Kids, college-aged kids, will do just about anything to get something on a resume. Hire as many as you can and then kick back with a box of chocolate-covered cherries from Woolworth’s and a glass of scotch.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
Because you’re in “The Business,” I’m sure you’ve gone out to see The Social Network. What did you think of the film and was it an accurate depiction of what happened? I thought it was a tremendous performance by Jesse Eisenberg! Wow, that Mark Zuckerberg is a prick, huh?
Movie Nut

Dear Nut,
You know what was missing from that movie? Sex. Lot’s of sex! What good is a rise to the top if there’s no hookers and blow? Well, that shrimpy fella had some blow but it wasn’t ’til the end and then he got busted right away because he was a fool!

I tried out for that movie, did you know that? It was in all the trades. I tried out to be the sexy siren who almost woos Mark away from The Facebook when I insist that we skip classes, luxuriate in my dorm room loft and screw all day long. It was gonna be super graphic. I was doing exercises and everything – touching my toes 15 times a day to get my tummy down and lifting quarts of whiskey in the kitchen. And then, well, silence. I kept calling and calling. “How was my screen test?” I’d say. “Oh, that had to be destroyed,” they said. “Too shocking.” “Well, let’s make another one,” I said. “And this time I’ll wear a mask, if that’s the problem.” “That’s not the problem,” they said. “It’s your entire body. We’d need to have you in a sleeping bag with a hood over your head.”

And I was up for that, I really was, but they never called back with a time.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
Will windows 7 series phones have an IR port as to maybe link with media centre on either xbox or PC?
Techie Head
Palo Alto, CA

Dear Techie,
IR ports are dead. Long live IR ports. And fuck you for trying to sound all “in the know.”
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
How can we use social media sites like Twitter and Facebook to change the world?
Grand Forks, IA

Dear Annoying Person,
Well, let’s see. If I don’t like the service I get from TJ’s Mightly Liquor Cabinet, I go and tweet about it. Here’s one I wrote last week:

Fuck you, TJ’s, for diluting my scotch with water. Did you really think I wouldn’t see the broken seal?

Well, what do you think happened? All my followers piled on TJ’s. They were all, you know, rooting for me because I’m the underdog going up against a Goliath – that store has a monopoly on liquor sales in my neighborhood! I can’t always be taking the bus to WalMart, can I? By 6:00 that night TJ’s had delivered the missing half of my scotch in a thermos.

And sometimes I just complain about things and it feels great, you know?

A carton of smokes is $48? Fuck that!

I can’t find my sheet music!

As for, whatever, making the world a better place? So not my department.
Baby Jane

Baby Jane Recommends

baby jane curtain small for blogOK, maybe I’ve never been Ms. Socialite. When I was a kid, I was a work horse. Once I became an adult, drinking and killing my invalid sister kept me busy. I haven’t had a lot of friends throughout the years but there have been a few and sometimes… well… I miss them. That’s why I’ve been curling up at night with this book, All My Friends Are Dead.

I know how these dinos and houseplants and mismatched socks feel. It’s like, woah, where did everyone go? When did Vaudeville curl up and die? When did all the silent movie stars keel over? Where’s the friggin’ party at?

I highly recommend this book because, not only is it an emotional touchstone, it has pictures and large print, perfect for nights when you’ve had a few and want to get your maudlin on.