Happy New Year Clown Salad

Four Loko

Happy Fuckin’ New Year!

Came across this while walking the dog and thought it made a fine example of clown salad.

Here’s how I’m imagining these cans came to be in the snow…

The Scene: New Year’s Eve, Lynnhurst Park in Mpls.
The Set-Up: Tyler and Ethan, ages 14 and 15, meet up in the park at 11 p.m. They sit by the fence, on top of the sledding hill. Tyler has the Four Lokos his older brother, Max, scored for him.

Tyler: What the fuck took you so long, ass wipe?

Ethan: My fucking stepmother. She’s such a loser. She had us all playing Apples to Apples until I said I was going to puke from boredom.

Tyler: Here, bottoms up, dude.

They drink their Four Lokos. It is shit-ass-motherfucking-cold out and miserable on the sledding hill by the chain link fence.

Ethan: I thought you said you’d have chicks here.

Tyler: No chicks want to drink in the cold. We could go over to Lindsey’s house and see what they’re doing.

Ethan: I hate that fucking bitch. She’s probably that Kardashians show.

Tyler: This shit is good.

Ethan: I love this shit.

Tyler: Last time I drank this, I took my shirt off in front of my brother’s girlfriend and drew all over my chest with a Sharpie.

Ethan: Dude, I was there.

Tyler: Oh, yeah.

Ethan: I’m already half done with mine. Let’s split the third one.

Tyler: I’m the one that got this for us, I think the third one is mine.

Ethan: This blows. Super lame. Here, want some cherry snack pie?

Tyler: I told you – I’m in training for snowboarding. What’s your New Year’s resolution?

Ethan: To drink more Four Loko and get some chick to suck my dick.

Tyler: I’ve had two chicks suck my dick.

Ethan: God, you’re such a liar.

Tyler: Let’s take off our shirts and slide down the hill on our chests.

Ethan: Why is it every time you get drunk you want to take your shirt off? That’s cool if a chick wants to do it but not a dude.

Tyler takes off his coat and shirt and stands at the top of the hill, arms raised.


He runs forward and dives down the sledding hill head first. Ethan finishes his Four Loko and cracks the other one open. Tyler reaches the bottom of the hill and does not move.

Ethan: Ty? Ty? Ty? You OK?

Tyler: My chest is numb. I cannot feel my chest. And I see lights. Lots of lights.

Ethan: It’s the cops. Let’s go!

Ethan dumps the cans and runs down the hill. He drags Tyler to his feet and they split.

Four Loko Cherry Pie
The Spoils Of The Party