“Rise up this mornin’, Smiled with the risin’ sun, Three little birds, Pitch by my doorstep, Singin’ sweet songs, Of melodies… – Bob Marley”
Reaction One: AAAAAAAHHHH! Just got out of bed, saw this and then stabbed myself in the face.
Reaction Two: The only way you could possibly be more annoying is to post the lyrics to “Don’t Worry Be Happy.”
Keith tried to torture me with this earlier today and I resisted. Then tonight I thought, “Ah, what the heck, I’ll check out 100 Ways to Love a Cat.” This video is 35 minutes long… because they detail ALL 100 ways to love a cat. I made it through Way 4 (brush them with a hairbrush). I’m kind of afraid of what way 100 might be… I think this song should be mandatory viewing for all people who get community service. Watch 100 Ways To Love a Cat and then go pick up some trash along the highway. You will never offend again.
Rules of Conduct For Teachers (from a 1915 school bulletin for a one-room school house near Winneconne, WI)
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men. (This is closely tied to number 1 – don’t think you’re going to “keep company” just because you can’t marry! Here, see this burka? Put it on.)
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function (Who checked? “OK, ma, I’m goin’ to bed just as soon as I drive by the school marm’s house and make sure she’s in bed. Just gonna peek in that there window.”)
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores. (Taverns? Yeah, OK, it is Wisconsin, but if we catch you lingering after finishing your cone… your ass is ours.)
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board. (Dear Chairman of the Board: I was thinking of picking apples on Sunday outside the city limits… is this OK?)
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother. (Don’t EVER let us catch you with an uncle, cousin or your grandpa. We know all about your grandpa.)
7. You may not smoke cigarettes. (Pipes, OK, everyone enjoys a good pipe by the fire now and then.)
8. You may not dress in bright colors. (Think Calvin Klein, not Chico’s)
9. You must under no circumstances dye your hair. (Hair dye is for the wicked!)
10. You must wear at least 2 petticoats. (Who checked? “Hey, Phyllis, you’re looking a little deflated today… are you only wearing one petticoat?”)
11. Your dresses must not be shorter than two inches above your ankles. (“We’re just getting comfortable with all this ankle skin, we’re not ready for more!”)
12. To keep the schoolroom neat and clean you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m. (Pass out from exhaustion at 10:30 a.m.)
If our dog, Freja, can’t make it all day without, uh, pooping (due to upset stomach) in the house she always poops in the bathroom right next to the toilet. So… I guess she understands what goes on in there? And I guess she’s doing her best to be considerate?
An older gentleman called our office and said, “Hi, I’m putting together a movie idea for Robert DeNiro. I don’t know him but I know he’s friends with that Scorsese guy but I don’t know that guy’s first name or how you spell his last name.” “Uh, that would be Martin S-c-o-r-s-e-s-e.” “Right! Thanks so much!”
A college-aged student sent a form letter to our office asking us to pay his way through college. For an extra bit of class, he hand-wrote the salutation because a mail merge proved to be too much for him to master. In the letter he did promise to keep us updated through the years with what he was up to.
When my parents came for the yard sale last week, they had a van-load of stuff my sister and I had been storing at their house for years. And years. I believe they were overjoyed to be getting rid of it. We had a fairly successful sale, although we didn’t move as many toys as we would have liked. Now I’m left with some odds and ends that I’ve been trying to deal with. One box is just papers and letters and such from grade school onward. I haven’t seen the stuff in this box for 20 years so I’m going to assume I don’t need most of it.
My plan is to take all the old papers, letters, etc. and make a paper-based diorama out of them of a ship at sea battling a Kraken. I thought that might look cool. So there is my winter project;Â what I’ll be doing on all those snowy nights come January.
This morning I was down in the basement to feed Chief Jones (he has to eat down there so that Mistress Freja doesn’t gobble down all his food) and there was the box, waiting to be sorted. I plucked a coloring book off the top of the pile. It’s a book called “Write Your Own Story Coloring Book.” Kind of literal in the titling. Inside, each spread is a picture to color and then the other side is titled and has lines for writing a short story about the pic. The characters are the same on every page – Penny, Mark and a clown named Koko.
This should probably go on one of those “Overheard in Mpls” sites.
Yesterday, as my co-worker Andrea was walking out of the building, a bunch of gals from a marketing firm down the hall were leaving at the same time. One of them said to the others:
“You know, the only reason Crystal is celibate is because she’s afraid someone is going to steal her creativity through her vagina.”
With Zsa Zsa Gabor heading home this past Monday to spend her final days in comfort, rather than in a hospital, I think it’s only appropriate that we take a look at the life and times of the Hungarian beauty. Here are some Zsa Zsa Facts & Figures:
Zsa Zsa is the second of the three Gabor sisters: Magda, Sari (Zsa Zsa) and Eva. The sisters were born in Budapest. Zsa Zsa is now 93 years old.
Zsa Zsa attended a Swiss boarding school called Madame Subilia’s.
After finishing school, she was discovered in Vienna in 1936 by “the famous tenor Richard Tauber,” (oh, yes, Richard Tauber!) and invited to sing in a new operetta he was staging.
Zsa Zsa eventually became known more for her many marriages than for her acting abilities. She has been married nine times and has had seven divorces, one annulment and is still married to ninth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt.
Continue reading Zsa Zsa Gabor: Hail the Queen of Outer Space
I’m switching things up today and doing most Fantastic Tweet of the Day. What can I say? I’m feeling positive!
“A friend of mine went on a first date for dinner at some guy’s house (dumb) and he baked a frozen pizza and put in “9 1/2 weeks.” Um????”
That sounds like something that would have happened to me, back in the old dating days. If his goal was to watch something steamy, he should have gone with something like, maybe, Unfaithful with Diane Lane? 9 1/2 Weeks is just a laff riot.
“ Thai chicken peanut wrap at Au Bon Pain. Pretty tasty. Just the right amount of zip to the peanut sauce.”
Well, that about sums up the day, people. We can all go to bed now. Someone had a tasty thai chicken wrap.
Amidst sale craziness… the garage is stuffed to the top with stuff for the sale! – I happened upon this from one of my FB “friends.” Quotation marks signal that we are not friends at all and that I met this person exactly once.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! They had stopped selling Kombucha until the FDA approves it! Just got home from Whole Foods with this sad, sad news. My entire weekend is ruined! :(“
I don’t know that I need to elaborate on the ins and the outs of why this person and I will never be best buds. However, I’d just like to say, “Damn you, FDA! I hate you for trying to keep idiots from hurting themselves.” Also, also – her entire weekend? Ruined because no Kombucha? Is it like crack, or what? If I saw a post that said, “Entire weekend ruined because my dealer was shot,” I would not necessarily approve of the sentiment but I’d understand the motive.
This is like saying, “My entire weekend ruined because no raw almonds at co-op. Sad sad sad!”
We’ve been getting ready for the yard sale. I feel a bit overwhelmed by my stuff. By Monday night, I just had this overwhelming need to get everything out of the basement and into the garage, despite the 90+ degree heat and the fact that I hadn’t priced a thing. I just needed it out of my immediate living space. I looked around the messy basement and thought:
1. My God. Look at all this stuff. What if my house looked like this all the time?
2. My God. I am paralyzed by my stuff. I don’t know if I can make one more Keep-Sell-Discard decision.
If you think about it, it’s fairly ridiculous to be “captive” to inanimate objects. It’s weird to think how much emotion I invest in some of my stuff. I absolutely can’t part with some things. I got weirdly possessive over my x-small Spice Girls t-shirt that I don’t fit into anymore. And the pink sweatshirt with the enormous Hello Kitty head on the front, in sequins? Well, I’m still holding on to that.
Here are some of the random items (this is really just a partial list – much, much more) I’m parting with on Saturday:
Baby This-N-That
Cap Guns
Dolls Of All Nations Collection
Paper Dolls
Gold wedge shoes
Spice Girls Pack (t-shirt, pencils, unopened CD)
Shaun Cassidy albums with one worn Shaun Cassidy poster
1986 Santa Bear (Marshall Fields and then Daytons used to come out with one every Christmas)
Care Bear
Cabbage Patch Doll (my sister has hers, too, and found the “adoption papers” that came with it)
Kid books from 1970s, 80s
Michael Jackson biography + buttons
Annie doll and Annie locket
3 piece silk suit from Dayton’s Oval Room – Asian print
Many pop culture buttons
Knick knacks galore – so many! Including a green monkey I painted in the early 90s and named “Locke”
45s
comics
Some Fisher Price stuff – a School Days Desk
So many weird odds-n-ends. I think people will have fun digging through this bin of weird stuff
Bright green spring coat
Bright pink dress
Clown costume
Clown figurines (these are my sister’s)
Michigan State jacket
High school letter jacket
Giant Robot magazine collection
Bookshelves
Coffee table
Asian-themed art
Dog figurines with rabbit hair on their heads. At least I hope it’s rabbit hair and not cat hair.
Table lamp from Target (I HATE)
IKEA shelves
I can’t even go on. Too much! Soon all to be gone!
If you’re in Mpls, stop by 4346 Wentworth on Saturday, Aug. 14th between 8 and 4. If there are any early birds, they can help us set up! Keith and his friend Grant will be providing music to shop to. Hopefully they can play some rockin’ 80s music.
I’m having a yard sale. This means I now have “Yard Sale Anxiety” as I try to ready my goods for sale. There is much to do! If you’re in Mpls, come peruse my stuff on Saturday, August 14, 8 a.m.-4 p.m., 4346 Wentworth in Mpls. As my grandpa used to say (generally when serving cocktails) “Give it a good home.” Facebook invite here.
Stay tuned for a preview of items up for grabs.
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s focus is providing guidance for all those with aspirations of breaking into Hollywood, whether as writer, director or actor. Baby Jane has done it and seen it all and the letters continue to pour in every week. Here is just a sampling of some of the letters waiting on her stack:
Dear Baby Jane,
I want to sign-up with a talent agency and the first thing they told me was, “You need a headshot.” But professional headshots cost a lot of money! Can’t I do them myself? The agency said absolutely not… but what do you think?
The Next Katie Holmes
Tulsa, OK
Continue reading But You Are In That Chair! Hollywood Edition
That’s it, I’m giving up running and turning this into my regular workout routine:
Between this and drinking 8 glasses of water a day, I’m going to be a force to be reckoned with.
First, and foremost, I’d like to dedicate this song to the boys of Def Leppard and to the Hysteria production, all the cast and crew, the people of Sheffield, the people who bought D.L’s albums over the years and the people who still blare “Pour Some Sugar On Me” from their cars.
Because, although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let go. It’s so natural. You belong to me. I belong to you.
Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah
“going to bed shitheads”
“Foursquare Needs Women (good luck!)… 4x as many men on it now (The Social Graf)”
Good luck, indeed, because Foursquare is lame. Perhaps many women recognize this. They also recognize that broadcasting their whereabouts to desperate Foursquare men is not such a good idea. Duh.
“I’m mayor of the dark alley behind my apartment building. Just taking out the trash all by myself… at midnight.”
“I’m mayor of Meat Market Bar tonight. Because I’m too drunk and helpless to leave on my own!”
“I’m on this lonely, wooded trail that winds through this park where no one seems to hang out. Getting my jog on with headphones!”
Here’s a t-shirt you’ll find in thrift stores around Rhinebeck, New York in the coming years:
I’m pro-Chelsea Clinton. So I was saddened upon learning that among the biggest “celebs” at her wedding were Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen. Really? Ted Danson? From The Huffington Post, “Reporters, who had been searching for celebrities in vain for most of the day, quickly zeroed in on the couple, prompting Danson to ask, ‘Are we the only celebrities in town?'”
Well, no. I mean, Vera Wang was there. Also Steve Bing, who’s not a celeb but more of a rich guy who knocked up Elizabeth Hurley and then denied paternity until it was proven with a test… never mind that the kid looked exactly like him.
I guess the cool thing about Chelsea is that she probably didn’t really give a damn about celebs at her wedding.
Or, perhaps more appropriately, who lives on your messed up, dysfunctional block?
I really thought things would get better on my block after Mini-Van Carnie Con Carne Carnival moved away, seemingly in the middle of the night. They lived in the house directly across from us but in two years we had been unable to determine exactly who lived there, such were the comings and goings. Sometimes there were four children, sometimes eight. Adults and kids in mini-vans pulled up and loaded or unloaded at all hours of the day. The absolute low point came two summers ago, when some carnie friends who had been to visit before showed up in their white school bus, which proceeded to die on our block. So the carnies moved in! Hooray and fun for all!
While shopping online for an ottoman for my front porch, Google suggested I look at World Market. So I headed over to their website and was hit with this message:
World Market’s Eat Pray Love Shop Has Arrived!
There are Italy/India/Indonesia-themed bamboo shades. There is a Roman Bistro set. The Eat Pray Love Block Print Paisley Tunic is modeled by a woman who could be… if you squint… Elizabeth Gilbert.
If you don’t know what Eat Pray Love is -Â if you’ve been living on a remote island, meditating, or maybe if you’re a man – it’s a memoir written by Elizabeth Gilbert. For reasons unknown, probably even to the author herself, this book became the Harry Potter for women in a certain age demographic. Maybe those in their late 20s through 40s. The book describes the journey Gilbert made from Italy to India to Indonesia after a rough divorce. Yes, she was trying to “find herself.” And she succeeded. And she found the man of her dreams in the process. It’s a completely romantic book. It’s very cool that it happened to her but for the rest of us it probably serves the purpose of escapist fantasy.
Despite Marie Antoinette, I’m a Sophia Coppola fan. Hey, she was just having some fun, blowing off steam, falling in love with that dude from the band Phoenix… Her new film, Somewhere, is due out on December 22. I’m excited to see if it’s a return to Lost in Translation form. Judging from the trailer, it definitely is in terms of narrative and style (everything she films looks so lush and vibrant). But speaking of the narrative, is it odd or cool that this film is also about a young girl/older man (albeit a father and daughter in this film). So maybe she has a Daddy Complex… can you blame her?
Well, this is now dragging out quite a bit, isn’t it? I feel as if I owe readers a bit of a recap so we can all remember where we were in the saga when it was so abruptly dropped.
There were some guys in Sheffield, England who formed a band. For various reasons (aka: luck) they became Def Leppard, a top-selling “metal” band of the 1980s and perhaps 1990 and maybe three or four months in 1991. I wrote “metal” because there seems contention out there over whether or not D.L. is actually a metal band. It depends… do you buy that Poison was a metal band? Poison makes D.L. look like metal gods. Anyway…
They went on some U.S. tours, where they were beloved. They put out a successful album. But then there were problems. Joe wanted to work too hard, push things. All he cared about was the band’s fame and fortune. Rick wanted to party and drive fast and in return he lost an arm. Now everything is up in the air (except for that arm). Is it the end of D.L.?
I went on vacation and I forgot to post this before I “left”:
Which is too bad because I think that would have been inspiring to a lot of people out there. But now vacation is over and it’s more like:
It’s a time for the guys to have some life-altering revelations. Sometimes you lose a limb. Sometimes having looks, girls and money doesn’t guarantee happiness. Neither does a ratty wig. Sometimes you’re in a pretty famous rock band, make a lot of money and have a lot of hits and someone decides to make a limp biopic that boils it all down to some formulaic scenes. That’s how it goes. Ask Ritchie Valens. Well, OK, can’t do that… Ask Jim Morrison… Oh… Ask The Beatles… Oh. Well, ask Ringo.
A photo from the now possibly-never-to-be- released feature film The Beaver, directed by Jodie Foster, in which Mel Gibson plays, “a guy who walks around with a puppet of a beaver on his hand and treats it like a living creature.”
Hmmm… how oddly fitting. Box office poison or box office gold?
And now we come to the real “meat and potatoes” of this story. Ah, Episode V, where it all comes together and it all falls apart…
This section of the movie was partially based on a school essay by Cole Montgomery, age 15, titled “Why I Want To Be A Rock Star.” As you’ll see, his reasoning is somewhat sound – no homework, no adults telling you what to do (except for your manager and your band mates), lots of drinking, all-you-can-eat titty bar, lots of drinking, drugs, rad clothes, sports cars and drinking.
But, lo, what is this? Why, it’s a cautionary tale…
“Helping move a refrigerator.”
And I just… gotta… tweet while I… try to carry… it. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re a regular reader of Not Shallow, then you may have read an earlier post about the webcomic Gentleman’s Gentleman, which is drawn by my husband, Keith Pille. He’s currently raising funds on kickstarter.com for a print edition of G.G., with an entire “rewards” system set up for backers (my only complaint, really, is that I feel a gian SloPoke should be a reward for the $20 level, just like in grade school when you sold magazine subscriptions). He just started fundraising last week and he’s already about 30% there, which is tremendous, I think.
Even without the hoopla of physical rewards, backing G.G. is pretty great just because you’re supporting a specific endeavor of someone who works a day job and then spends a hell of a lot of time drawing cartoons because he loves it and believes in it. Every time I start to feel lazy about Not Shallow, he’s at his drawing board, cooking up another comic and I think, “Damn you! Damn you and your DIY ambition to hell!” But I’m not really mad. I’m inspired.
I’m asking anyone out there who gives a damn about comics, cartoons, etc. to consider backing this project for $10 or $20. Today we all got the news that Harvey Pekar died and I saw that someone tweeted, “In honor of Harvey Pekar, spend some time today drawing comics that are yours and don’t belong to a big corporation.”
I feel the same way about writing. Spend some time today writing (or painting or crafting or cooking) just because you can and because you love it!
If you’ve never been to kickstarter.com before, you’ll find many other worthy projects there as well. If comics aren’t your thing, at least take a look at all the other projects people want to do. If you would rather fund a short film about a school for clowns or a photography exhibit about dog noses, that’s your prerogative, just like Bobby Brown sez.
Like many others in Minneapolis, I adore the public library. I have built a queue of books on my “Request” list that rivals that of my Netflix queue. Whenever I hear about a new book I want to read, I search for it on the library’s online catalog, accepting in advance that I will most likely have to add it to my list of requests.
I patiently wait. “Oh, look,” I might think. “I’m now number 128 on the list for that novel. I remember when I was 234. Progress!”
The result of all this requesting is that books tend to come in every week. Sometimes it is one per week, sometimes six will somehow show up, like a book landslide. “Watch for books falling from your queue list.”
As a result of all this reserving, queuing and holding, I’m somewhat of a regular at my neighborhood branch. Granted, I don’t hang out there reading People Magazine or the newspapers. I don’t secret myself away in one of the window nooks to do “research” while hacking into a handkerchief. I don’t sit on the computers on a beautiful summer afternoon searching Google for images of Jennifer Lopez or the cast of Jersey Shore.
“What are your thoughts on Fund Raising Programs that sell consumables, like candy, cookie dough, coffee, snacks tea etc?”
Uh… I think they are awesome. I’ll buy cookie dough to benefit raccoon orphans. I’ll buy a candy bar to benefit your fake sports team. I’ll buy tea to benefit your cyst removal. I’ll buy frozen pizzas so sad kids can go to Paris. Sign me up!
As you may have been able to tell from the crankiness of my last post, I was in need of some serious rest and relaxation over the holiday weekend. I could not bring myself to face another episode of Hysteria! Even the act of eating had lost its allure. What? I have to eat something, like, again? And there’s nothing in the refrigerator because I threw everything away in anticipation of being out of town? Oh, bother. And let me tell you, that’s not my usual mode of operation at all.
Not at all.
Am I better now? Have I revived myself? Not quite. I would like very much for someone to braid my hair while I watch cartoons and rock back and forth.
But duty calls. Must view Hysteria Part IV…
And what is this? The best episode yet, that’s what! Hold on, kids, we’re covering a lot of ground today.
“There is absolutely nothing that one learns in failure that one can not also learn in success. I choose to learn from my successes.”
It just so happens that you caught me in a bad mood.
So.
1. Fuck off
2. This makes absolutely no sense. You are human, therefore you will experience failure. What do you gain by ignoring it or pretending it never happened? Are you so successful at everything that you will have more than enough material to “learn” from all of them? And what do you learn from a success? I’m awesome? There seems to be one thing one learns from failure that you don’t seem to be learning in success: humility. And how to fail with dignity.
3. Fuck off all over again.
Dear Beloved [Person I Have Never Met Before],
I am sure this mail would be coming to you as a surprise since we have never met before and you would also be asking why I have decided to chose you amongst the numerous internet users in the world [all of whom I have also sent this message], precisely I cannot say why I have choosen you [I choosen anyone who is stupid enough to fall for this] but do not be worried for I come in peace [yes, I am an alien] and want you to me to help me accomplish my last wish . As the island of Haiti experience a major earthquake struck, I will like to use this last chance to help as a philanthropist .
Before I move further, permit me to give you a little of my biography, I am Lady Rita Ratnavale [you can call me Lady Marmalade] 78 Years old woman and the wife of Sir Ratnavale, Victor, [you can call him Dead Guy] dual citizen of Switzerland and Britain [and Citizen of The World]Â who died in a Plane crash on Monday the 7th of September 1998 GMT 14:22 UK [my watch stopped at exactly that moment] alongside with my daughter [she had no name, we never got around to it] while they were flying from New York to Geneva [after completing a shopping spree at FAO Schwartz]. Please see site [that I developed while sitting in an Internet cafe] below for more information. http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9809/swissair.victims.list/index.html
Continue reading I Have Choosen You
The work week before the big holiday weekend grinds slowly by… tick… tock. The clock, it hardly moves! Let’s take a break and get caught up on the trials and tribulations of Def Leppard. If you haven’t seen episodes one and two, let me catch you up. These guys lived in Sheffield, they formed a band, one guy got pissed and left, they made an album, played shows, got some sort of agent. But the dark cloud of trouble hangs over them…
We know it’s only a matter of time before someone mismanages funds, the record companies screw them, women leave them, they leave women, someone drinks themself to death, someone OD’s, someone punches someone else in the mouth, someone gets caught not paying taxes, someone shoots someone with an antique gun that wasn’t supposed to be loaded or someone sleeps with a minor…
In today’s episode, the drama is already ramping up with the usual “Rise of the Supergroup” problems.
First, I’d like to mention something. I really do love Def Leppard. I mean that un-ironically. I know since I’m a member of Generation X, that might be hard to believe but I listened to them a lot in high school and I used to try to draw the Hysteria cover art. I guess that makes me kind of like Joe Elliot, drawing his Def Leppard logo and artwork before he was even in the band, huh?
“Cellphone coverage got pretty ridiculous at the cabin. My wife’s T-Mobile phone had AT&T roaming. My iPhone had ‘No Service'”
Can you imagine? OMFG! We were at the cabin, relaxing, getting away from it all… Do you have a cabin? Oh, you don’t? You had to, like, stay in the city this weekend? Oh.
Well, anyway, there we were, relaxing, taking a break from swimming, reading novels, identifying mushrooms, etc., when I realized that OUR CELL PHONE COVERAGE WAS CRAP! Completely ridiculous! What if someone was trying to call? What if we had an emergency? I couldn’t even tweet about having fun at the cabin.
I mean, roaming? That’s so 2007. And iPhones… for what I pay for service? It should be a cell phone to God!
Then I was completely unrelaxed, checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if service had been restored. It. Had. Not.
One of the best TV movies Keith and I ever watched aired in 2001 on VH1 – Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story. Oh the ups and the downs! The tragedy and the triumphs! It turns out that you can rent the movie through Netflix but, maybe even better, you can watch it for free on YouTube in several installments.
This makes Hysteria seem like a fun webseries of 10-minutes episodes, which is maybe all you can take at one time. The story revolves around drummer Rick Allen’s accident, in 1984, that cost him his arm. Of course, Rick Allen and Def went on to triumph after that, which is what made this movie possible. If it had been Rick Allen lost his arm and became an angry, bitter man on top of Steve Clark dying of alcoholism, this movie couldn’t have been made. Well, it could have been made, maybe by Oliver Stone.
Another Fun & Exciting Summer item: the webcomic Gentleman’s Gentleman. The most recent lesson is about drinking games. The aim of Gentleman’s Gentleman is simple: to bring the light of gentlemanly manners to an uncouth, faintly scuzzy world. You may recall my post about the rules of being a gentleman’s gentleman… oh, you don’t? Well, you can read it here.
Yes, the artist/cartoonist is my ball and chain, Keith Pille. Ball and chain! Ha ha ha! I just made that up.
My top Gentleman’s Gentlemen (this week):
1. Tim Gunn
2. Dominic Dunn
3. George Clooney
4. Tony Bennett
5. Paul Newman
Check out the comic, bookmark it, learn the lessons, LIVE IT!
It’s summer and there are suddenly some new things to be excited about… As the group of bums standing around outside Hums Liquor yelled at me today, “It’s time to hit the beach!” Yeah, totally! I thought to myself, “What if I took them up on their offer, went to some beach with them and never even called work to say I wouldn’t be returning?” What if? This seems to be what life is all about, people.
First and number one, there’s this. I’m so excited for Season 4 I find myself dreaming about it sometimes. When I’m not dreaming that I can’t find a house I’m looking for because the address on the piece of paper I’m holding keeps changing. That’s a fun one.
“Purple is my new signature color. So classy, sophisicated, sexy… and funky. Just like me.”
Triangle is my new signature shape. So pointy, hard to hug, elusive… and hilarious. Just like me.
May I make just one observation… Are you really sophisticated if you can’t spell “sophisticated” correctly?
Movie reviews of stuff that’s already been reviewed by real movie critics and is out on DVD but, if you’re like us, you’re just getting around to watching it. Or thinking about watching it. Or maybe this is the first time you’re hearing about it…
Selection: Funny People, directed by Jud Apatow, starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan and Leslie Mann
Synopsis: A famous comedian (Adam Sandler) has a potentially fatal illness and hires a young comic (Seth Rogan) to be his personal assistant. Along the way, famous comedian gets a new lease on life and tries to rekindle a lost love (Leslie Mann).
Rebecca: If a screenwriter/director decides to call his film Funny People, he’s setting a bar. As in, the movie better deliver some funny people doing funny shit. So why did Apatow cast Adam Sandler?
OK, I don’t like Adam Sandler. I tried to come up something he’s done that I’ve enjoyed or really wanted to see and I’ve come up empty. I don’t even like “The Chanukah Song!” Which is all tough shit for me because he’s got a lot of stuff in development, three films in post production and a high-grossing slate of films already in the can. Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. This new Grown-Ups movie that’s about to come out [as my friend Chris pointed out, all those other guys in Grown-Ups are sooo lucky they’re friends with Sandler or they wouldn’t keep working].
Continue reading Nothing On TV, Let’s Watch A Movie: Funny People
I think I had a nightmare last night and all these guys were in it…
Best Worst Night Out Idea: go see Grown Ups and then hightail it over to the newly-opened Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill in St. Louis Park!
The last time I attended Rock The Garden at the Walker Art Center Wilco was the headliner. We went with friends who had Walker connections and got to sit in the VIP section and I remember that Josh Hartnet put in an appearance. That’s mostly what I remember… oh, wait, someone brought their annoying child and she was busy being annoying the entire time.
So it was time to create some new R.T.G memories this year… I got very, very excited when it was announced that MGMT would be playing so I pressed Keith’s Walker membership into service (basically telling him he had to buy us tickets).
What I realized about R.T.G. is that you don’t have to like or even particularly care for the bands that play to have a great time. It’s worth going just to people watch on a sunny day. The crowd is laid back, everyone on their respective blankets, enjoying Walker-esque “festival food” like Barrio tacos, mock duck banh mi from Joe’s Garage (thumbs up!) and Summit beer.
Maybe some of you have already heard of the “social media trend/drinking game” known as Bros Icing Bros. I just heard about it this past weekend.
But before I really had a chance to explore this situation, the Bros Icing Bros website went down and doesn’t appear to be coming back anytime soon. The message on the site says, “We had a good run, Bros.”
Boo.
Here’s what Bros Icing Bros entails (it should come as no surprise that this started out as a frat boy game): surprise one of your bros by giving him (or hiding someplace he will find) a Smirnoff Ice malt beverage. He then has to go down on one knee and drink it… I’m sorry, chug it all at once unless he happens to have a Smirnoff Ice on his person. Then the joke is on you – you have to take a knee and chug both of them. The reason this game works at all is that it’s somewhat of a punishment to have to chug all that terrible Smirnoff Ice.
A Bro can’t refuse an Ice. If a Bro refuses to drink an Ice he is immediately shunned. He can never Ice anyone, ever.
I tried a new salon recently. Only because my current stylist is on maternity leave. I could have gone to another stylist at the same salon but I saw this as an opportunity to check out a salon in my neighborhood known for its expertise in cutting curly hair. I was cut-curious.
Curly hair is its own cult. You’ll know if you’re in the cult if you can relate to these statements:
1. Everyone tells you how lucky you are to have curly hair. “It’s so pretty!” Yet you often feel, deep down inside, as if you look like Phil Spector.
2. You either hate your hair, have a love/hate relationship with it or have decided to ignore it completely. “Curly hair? What curly hair? Oh, you mean that stuff on the top of my head?”
3. When you were in junior high and high school, you would have committed felonies if, in exchange, you could have had a silky, smooth ponytail that fell nicely down your back.
4. You either have no idea what it’s like to have short hair or, if you do know, it’s a traumatic event from your past marked by an arsenal of hair products, maintenance cuts and a growing-out phase during which you found yourself relying too heavily on headbands and staying in to watch movies.
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again… and again… and again
I feel silly saying it but this post contains spoilers of Sex And The City II. So if you don’t want to know the entire plot… oh, wait. There wasn’t a plot, per say. There was… stuff happening. So if you don’t want to know what stuff happened and that it all worked out in the end, stop reading now.
When I arrived home after seeing SATC II, I gave Keith a little bit of a recap. He said, “There’s a concept in the comics world called ‘fan service,’ and I think that’s what’s happening with SATC.” Meaning, once there is a huge fanbase for a story/characters, new issues of comics will just maintain the story, giving fans more of the same, instead of rocking the boat with plots that cause change or character transformation and upset fans. Liken it to the experience of watching Super Friends on a Saturday morning in the 1980s – there were the good guys, there were the bad guys, stuff happened and the bad guys got put down. Over and over and over again.
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s column features special guest Anna Wintour, Editor In Chief of Vogue Magazine and the person many consider to be the most powerful in the fashion industry today. Today’s focus is on providing guidance for the fashion illiterate while also pointing out trends for summer. Welcome to the Summer Fashion! Fashion! Fashion! edition.
Dear Baby Jane & Anna,
I’m fashion challenged. I go out and buy new clothes but they never look quite right; stuff I buy doesn’t match anything in my closet and I end up wearing button down shirts with sweatpants. How can I take steps to change this?
Dowdy & Doubtful
Erie, PA
Memorial Day Weekend marks the beginning of summer. We took the drive to Wisconsin to visit my parents and here are the highlights. I wish I had some photos to share but our camera is currently broken. A new one is on the horizon though.
I stumbled across the Minneapolis Movie Bears site when I heard about a rummage sale they are having. It makes me supremely happy that a group like this exists in Minneapolis. I like it when people come together and do their thing, whether it’s bears who love movies or middle-aged women who love dolls. Whatever it is.
I also ♥ their logo, which looks like we’re peaking in on the A&W Root Beer bear when he’s off the clock and living his real life…
“My God. I just heard that census forms weren’t mailed to people living on reservations in Minnesota. What can we do?!”
Hmmm… Here are the options as I see them:
1. Nothing. Because we are terrible people who all hate Indians and if the government don’t count ’em, we can pretend they don’t exist. And btw, Native Americans, stop eating all the fish!!
2. We can send you out to all reservations with stacks of census forms and have you go door-to-door.
3. Become hysterical on social media outlets.
4. Retreat with mugs of green tea, listen to more MPR and ruminate.
5. Go to the Census 2010 website and do a search for American Indian reservations. Come up with a transcript of a press conference during which the question of reservations was addressed by Census Bureau Director Dr. Robert Groves. Due to the fact that many reservations have postal systems of delivery that are quite complicated and housing changes rapidly, census workers are going out to reservations to make sure they have accurate lists of the housing units and to interview people. So, if you live on a reservation, you might not have gotten a census survey in the mail but this does not mean that people are not trying to contact you.
Also: Census Designated Places represent locally-known, unincorporated communities that contain a mix of residential, commercial, cultural, and/or retail uses similar to that of an incorporated place of similar size in a similar geographic setting. The delineation of Census Designated Places allows for the identification of, and tabulation of data for, unincorporated communities within the boundaries of federally recognized American Indian reservations, off-reservation trust lands, and Oklahoma Tribal Statistical Areas.
So, remember, a reservation is not set up like a suburb.
Reggie Watts opened for Conan O’Brien last night at the Orpheum Theatre in Mpls. He ruled the school.
This video ain’t for everyone… cuz of the naughty words. But it’s random and hilarious. Love the dancing clown.
His new CD/DVD is on sale now… you can get it through iTunes. It’s called “Why S*** So Crazy?” Indeed.
“I’m really craving mints right now. I dunno. I want mints or something mild to be kind to my stomach. :\ Progress on paper: working in cites.”
Absolutely fascinating. Both parts, really. Would it be possible to just… go get mints instead of tweet about it?
What is the appropriate response to something like this? “Oh, Mr. X, I’m sorry your tummy hurts!!! 🙁 Feel better! Get that paper done!!!! Things will be better tomorrow!!!”
Meanwhile… meanwhile… oil continues to spill into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m just sayin’ And we still haven’t exhausted all the symbolism in Human Centipede. But mints for an upset tummy? I mean, it’s solvable.
Last week I heard about the horror movie Human Centipede: First Sequence for the first time. In case you haven’t heard about it, this is a movie about an evil doctor (Surprise! He’s German) who decides to sew humans together, ass-to-mouth, as an experiment. He has experience in separating conjoined twins and decides that he’d really like to see the process in the reverse. You know, just something to do in his downtime.
“15 minutes late for a webinar. Listened for 5 minutes. Leaving 40 minutes early.”
Translation: I’m a bona fide Corporate Bad Boy! No webinar can hold me.
When last I visited the Denny Hecker saga (see The Hecker Timeline), he was facing down 18 new charges of wire and bankruptcy fraud. He and Steve Leach, one of his former execs, were looking at 20 years in prison for conspiracy to commit wire fraud and 20 years on each count of wire fraud. Pile on top of that another 10 for Hecker for money laundering and five for each… well, let’s just say that he would surely die in prison.
Since then there have been many more twists, tears and admissions of guilt. Let’s catch up, shall we?
After the new felony charges came down, Hecker had to appear in family court regarding the missing support payments to second wife Sandra. He was behind something like $8,000 to her. On March 30th, the judge ordered Hecker to jail after he was found in contempt of court for hiding assets and lying about what he still owns.
I’ve been waiting to see BIRDEMIC for weeks and it finally arrives at the Uptown Theatre for the Midnight Madness movie on May 21 and 22. I’m “organizing” an outing for the Friday show. The quotation marks indicate that by “organizing” I mean – I’m going and I told a bunch of other people about it, via Facebook.
Sigh. Facebook. Won’t start on that rant here, but it’s brewing.
Anywho…
You could go to see this tonight in Minneapolis:
The Burning Man Festival started with a group of 20 friends who burned a wooden figure on a beach in honor of the summer solstice. Now some 20+ years later, the Burning Man Festival annually draws over 43,000 free thinkers, radicals, hippies, artists, and general revelers to a big patch of desert in Northern Nevada. The iconic festival’s history and philosophy have been cleverly wrapped up in this documentary, which not only tells the tale of how Burning Man evolved from a handful of hippies to a multi-million dollar movement, but it also examines how the ideals we form in our youth translate to life’s bigger picture. The film screens at 7pm and tickets are $15-$20 at the door. Tickets will likely sell out so arrive early. For more info visit www.dustandillusions.com.
7:00 PM Thursday at Oak Street Cinema in Minneapolis
Or, you could just watch this from the comfort of your home. Same difference?
Yesterday, I put together a new play list on iTunes in honor of my birthday. Here is what I picked:
1. Maneater by The Bird and The Bee; yes, a cover of Hall & Oates. I happen to love H&O, Keith hates them. He hates them with a passion usually reserved only for Steely Dan. I had to admit that “Private Eyes” isn’t so wonderful but I greatly enjoy the rest of their catalog. “Rich Girl?” Come on! Anyway, this cover is great. After I bought it I realized that I have another song of theirs, a cover of the Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love.”
2. Dim’s Jazz (Latin’s In The House) by Dmitri From Paris – this is all about my quest to not only embrace the 1990s World Beat sensibility but also to listen to French electronic/jazz/house music. I feel as if I need a musical niche. And yes, I’m pronouncing that “neeche.”
“I have been reminded: I need to buy seasons 5 and 6 of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Also: I need to find time for TV watching. And $$$.”
OK. OK, wait. There is someone, an adult, who feels compelled to purchase seasons 5 AND 6 of Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Like, for a DVD collection? And… and… needs to schedule time for TV watching? And then, just as a side note, needs some money?
Consider my mind blown.
And, on second thought, aren’t these priorities in exactly the reverse order of what they should be, assuming that TV watching is a legit priority? I mean, this person is Midwestern, so according to Patricia Heaton she should be surgically attached to a TV but… I’m going to say securing money equals time to dedicate to TV watching and then, if you’re super bored, seasons 5 & 6 of Sabrina (shudder).
“It’s been a while since there’s been a show for the people who are actually watching TV most of the time, which is everybody between New York and LA,†said Patricia Heaton, who grew up in Ohio.
You make the clown cry, Patricia Heaton. Just because you grew up in Ohio but escaped you decree that everyone who lives in this country, except for in two coastal cities, are TV zombies? Guess what? I have no idea what TV show you’re on right now. Don’t watch it. Don’t care. I would hazard a guess though that’s it’s a sitcom in which you are married to 1) a fat guy or 2) a lovable moron. So exactly who is wasting their life????
That’s as much venom as I can muster today after waking up too early this morning in order to think about stupid shit. Why does this happen? Wide awake at 4:45… Here are the the items that seemed very important at that hour of the day.
“I’m back from AZ and glad to be back at work! “Vacation” was busy busy busy!”
Translation: “Wow, I am just so important! I bet all my co-workers are sighing with relief that I’m back from vacation because I LOVE WORK and I GET THINGS DONE. The place practically fell apart without me, not to mention my heartbreaking absence from Twitter while I was busy, busy, busy in AZ.”
What reached out to me about this tweet was the use of quotation marks around the word vacation. I assume that we, the people who happen to see this person’s tweets, are to feel sorry that it wasn’t truly a vacation? Or to think her a hero for not taking it easy on vacation?
People who don’t take it easy on vacation are low on my sympathy list. Calm down and read a magazine already!
Last week I was wondering what my old friend Stephen Baldwin has been up to lately. I just don’t see him as much since he experienced his Second Birth. So it was synchronicity when my other friend who is not Stephen Baldwin shared The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin with me.
What is this? you might ask. Some kind of elaborate ruse? A joke? A prank?
Not at all. The truth, which Stephen is not shy about admitting, is that he needs money. And since he’s a man of Faith, Christians the world over should chip in to Restore Him To His Former Glory. And by Glory he means financial status, i.e. please restore him to the lifestyle to which he grew accustomed to as a Baldwin in the 1990s.
“I try to eat healthy, even my snacks that I go nuts for are healthy, I rarely ever eat things like Cheetos.”
Not that I’m thinking about Cheetos. Not that I like Cheetos. Not that I ate an entire bag of Cheetos last night and now I’m starting over because it’s Monday, the start of a new week. This week I’m going to be perfect. This week I will only eat nuts and berries for snacks. I’m Nutz for Nuts! Who would want to eat Cheeots, anyway? Who likes that cheddar cheese taste and that satisfying bite down into a puff of fatty crispiness?
“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.”
Face it. I’m fucking raaaaaad as hell.
“Today is Earth Day and it’s not even trending on Twitter? I hope your children enjoy… not being born.”
I feel confident when I say that, so far at least, my unborn children have been having a grand time. In fact, just last night they said, “You know, if you never get around to having us, that’s OK. We don’t want to have to deal with global warming.”
“While most were smoking weed yesterday… I was remembering the Columbine tragedy.”
Hmmm… self-righteous much??
Sadly, I was doing neither. I feel so inadequate.
So my Mad Men Season 3 discs arrived yesterday and when I opened the box, a little postcard fell out. On it is a sketch that is labeled, “Ken as Roger Sterling.” Flip the card over and it says, “Award-winning Series. Award-winning Style. Mad Men and Barbie Debuting Summer 2010.”
Woah. Hold on. This is a whole dimension I never thought of before. And of course I want every single doll.
Voltage 2010
Friday night was Voltage Fashion Amplified at First Avenue in Minneapolis. This year we were perched at the railing on the upper level in order to avoid some of the pushing and shoving of last year (it got a little crazy up in that bitch) and also to allow for easier viewing of the clothing for those among us who are short in stature. I admit, watching a rock and fashion show from up above does put things in a weird perspective, not just in terms of how one sees the clothing but also in terms of interacting with the crowd. Although, things weren’t quite as raucous this year. In fact, it seemed downright organized, which is kind of disappointing. What, no sneaking into the VIP section (guarded by a tough-looking broad) to hobnob with press types and the Beautiful People? No displays of underwear? Damn.
Before I go into my download of the fashion at this year’s event, I’ve noticed that most of what fashion writing exists in the Twin Cities is consistently upbeat, dare I say perky. The idea, which is a good one if you’re connected to the industry in any way, is to champion our designers because the design world here is so small and insular. It’s a seedling that people want to see grown and flourish. I do, too. But since I’m not connected to the industry other than as an observer, sometime participant and home sewer, I can also say what other people won’t:
Minnesota designers need to take risks. Go ahead. We can handle it.
Fashion inspiration for us all as we kick off MNFashion Week. I’ll have my review of Voltage 2010 up over the weekend. In the meantime, keep those caftans flowin’ ladies.
April 19, 2009: “Journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee, hoping to interview defectors from North Korea, began with a series of meetings in Seoul before flying to the Chinese city of Yanji, on the North Korean border. They were warned not to leave Chinese soil but ventured across the frozen Tumen river anyway. Exact details of their capture vary, with some accounts indicating that they were arrested by North Korean troops after refusing to stop filming, and others suggesting that they were pursued across the ice and back on to Chinese soil before being taken into custody.” – Times Online
April 11, 2010: “Today marks the 250th day of the detainment of Shane Bauer, Josh Fattal and Sarah Shourd, all recent graduates of UC Berkeley, by the Iranian government. According to the Cal Berkeley student group Friends of the Hikers, the three former students were hiking in Iraqi Kurdistan when they ‘accidentally crossed an unmarked border’ into Iran, and have been in custody of the Iranian government since 31 July 2009.” – SFGate.com
I’m joining the “Miracles” bandwagon – this is pure genius. Miracles everywhere up in this bitch!
I know that you’ve been losing sleep over what’s happening with the film American Sunset, so I thought I’d tell you about this press release announcing that it’s going to showcase at Cannes.
Wait. What? You’ve never heard of American Sunset?
Seriously? Corey Haim’s final attempt to act?
Yes, I’m talking about Corey Haim and Cannes at the same time. But back to that in a minute.
Continue reading Going Off To That Big Canadian Pavilion In The Sky
So there’s an interesting contest going on in Minneapolis right now called One Man Minneapolis. Basically, if I’ve got it down right, they are going to crown one man from Minneapolis/St. Paul “The One.” The one man who best represents “COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT, PERSONALITY, INTELLIGENCE, AND FITNESS.” [Shouting text not the author’s own.]
But like any beauty pageant for women, isn’t this stuff entirely subjective? Intelligence? Are we having them take tests? Submit SAT scores or IQ tests? Personality? Fitness… I guess this is a nicer way of saying “hotness?”
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s special focus is Douche Bags In the News: Ladies Take Notes!
Dear Baby Jane,
My heart is broken for Sandra Bullock! From the high high of winning a Best Actress Oscar to the low low of losing her husband Jesse James to a tramp, I don’t know how she’s holding it all together. Today I read online that Hollywood is rallying behind her. Do you think Sandra will be OK and make more wonderful movies like The Blind Side?
America’s Other Sweetheart
Tagalong, Texas
Continue reading But You Are In That Chair! Cheats & Scoundrels Edition
Let’s play a game! Which “Missed Connections” from Craig’s List listed below are FAKE?
girl in keys cafe, you blow my minnnnd
daaaaym, baby u were fine as hell. i think u were sum kinda latinaaaa. baby girl, im jus trynna holla. u had sum sexy ass brown eyes n DANG GURL. i kno ur name wuz sam and i just wanted to taste your caramel. cum on, plz reply if u eva read this. i think i luv u. u smelled so nice. n if ur not interested, that hottie redhead can holla too.
Yesterday, while driving to work, I was listening to the radio and heard about Lawrence Reynolds Jr., a death row inmate in Ohio who was scheduled to be killed on March 9th but instead took a drug overdose on the 7th and had to be taken to a hospital for resuscitation. Once they were sure that he was back in stable condition, the Ohio state prison system promptly scheduled his death by lethal injection.
Continue reading The First Page in “WTF: The Book” Comes To Us From Ohio
I’ve gotten interested in the trials and tribulations of former Twin Cities auto king Denny Hecker. By sifting through many media sites, I have compiled the following time line detailing the rise and fall of The Heck. This time line is a living thing… new information comes in daily and I’m sure there are also errors or improperly worded points. If you have some major Hecker news or corrections to add, please let me know via comments. I’ll be updating it as new info becomes available. Without further ado…
Laughing In The Face Of Fate:
The Denny Hecker Story
1950s-1970s
Denny Hecker is born in 1952 and raised in North Minneapolis.
1970: Hecker graduates from Patrick Henry High School in Minneapolis and marries his first wife, Judith Martin, the following fall. They stay married for less than two years. He does a brief stint in college and then drops out to sell cars at a local dealership. Cars, it seems, were his destiny.
1973: Hecker marries Sandra Storm (who may or may not be a comic book heroine). They remain married for ten years and have two daughters.
In 1997, Troy Duffy was poised to be the next Quentin Tarantino. Well, maybe the next Robert Rodriguez. He was, for a very brief time, Harvey Weinstein’s pet and Weinstein’s Miramax Films was going to produce Troy’s first-ever script, The Boondocks Saints. Miramax was going to shell out $15 million to make the movie and allow Duffy, who had never directed even so much as a home video, to direct. But soon enough Harvey got bored with Duffy, or more likely found him to actually be an unoriginal, slightly psychotic bore, and stopped returning his phone calls, which one could do if one was Harvey in 1997 (today not so much). A person would have had to work pretty hard to be more irritating than Harvey Weinstein in 1997 but Troy Duffy managed it.
Continue reading C’mon, This Is Boondock… Don’t Screw Around!
Annoying Ways In Which Annoying People Use Twitter
1. People who are on Twitter to promote things, probably for pay, who think they are being clever in the way they do it:
“Just flattened my hair with the new Blacksmith Iron by Hair Thing Maker and it’s fabulous. My hair hasn’t looked this good since my senior picture.”
“Made a sandwich and didn’t know what to put it in and then saw my new box of ZIPLOCÂ Super Zip sandwich bags!”
“I love the indie band SOFT PALETTE and their new album KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT. Got it at WalMart for $8.99.”
Continue reading I Am the Strength Inside My Strength Heart. I STAND TALL!
If I were a single woman and a date came to pick me up in this, I’d be pretty impressed. Hell, if my husband came to pick me up in this (from work!) I’d be pretty impressed. This seems to me to be the perfect transport for snow-bound Gentleman’s Gentlemen everywhere.
I looked it up and this phone number should be area code “601” if you feel inclined to call and strike a deal!
“We’re ready for our shot at a gold medal in ice dancing!”
Keith and I were having a discussion yesterday about our dog, Freja, being “a dog’s dog.” What this means, we decided, is that she’s loved by dogs and humans alike just for her very unfussy, no-holds-barred “dogginess.” This stems from another ongoing discussion between us about being a “Gentleman’s Gentleman.” Just what is a Gentleman’s Gentleman? With kind regards to Mr. Grant Weeks (truly in the running to be a GG), here are some pointers Keith and I came up with.
1. Have a flask on your person as often as possible. The flask must be filled with good liquor, no rotgut. Whiskey is preferred but not required. A true Gentleman’s Gentleman would have an engraved flask, possibly with a picture of a bulldog.
Continue reading Forget Original Gangsta! Gentleman’s Gentleman Is Where It’s At
In honor of the final season of LOST, ABC and Grinder Press are releasing a coffee table book entitled LOST’S Hottest Extras: The Castaways You May Have Missed.
Most of us were probably focused on Sawyer’s, I’m sorry, James’s shiny chest or maybe Sayid’s curly locks or even perhaps Kate’s… freckles. Here’s just a sampling of the hotties you missed.
Driving down Lyndale Avenue, radio station set to Jazz 88 FM, blaring a Latin version of “I Did It My Way.” Destination: Walgreens. The pit of human despair. The place where optimism and good health clasp hands and jump off the cliff, eyes closed, hoping for the best but knowing they’ll end up in the aisle with the support hose.
I started reading a new book today. A little light reading called The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. I saw it a couple weeks ago while browsing at Barnes & Noble and put it on hold at the library. According to the book, 4% of the U.S. population are sociopaths, or 1 out of 25 people. That number seemed alarming until I started to read the book, which points out that this doesn’t mean that 1 out of 25 people are violent or serial killers. There are more ways to qualify as sociopathic. The one common element is a lack of conscience.
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s special focus is Career Advice for the Confused, Depressed and Financially Dependent because, even though Baby Jane hasn’t worked since she was 12, she has a lot to say about the subject.
Dear Baby Jane,
I’ve been looking for a job since July 2009 and I’ve only managed to get two interviews during that time. This leads me to believe that maybe my resume isn’t very good. Any advice for what makes a strong resume?
Will Work For Food, Little Rock, Arkansas
Continue reading But You Are In That Chair! The Career Edition
On this drab, January day, what I feel like doing is putting on a tiny black dress, going into my big white studio and dancing around.
Does anyone else feel a little bit of nostalgia for songs like this? The young, virile Bobby with his floppy dance moves, waxed chest… It reminds me of summer, 1988, when I was most likely bored. Maybe I danced around to “Every Little Step” in my bedroom or something. I was quite the fan of New Jack Swing.
I think a commenter on YouTube said it best when she said, “Bobby Brown IS KILLIN it on the Dance floor.”
Oh, hi. Thank heaven you’re here.
You look absolutely terrific, honestly.
(Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono so we had quite a fight…)
OK, I finally did it. I put the Little Edie t-shirts up for sale on etsy.
Visit my little shop with its one t-shirt style! Less is more, right?
Everyone is always bragging about how great etsy.com is but I found at least the initial store set-up bewildering and time-consuming. But still. I’ve got a Not Shallow store and it’s open for bidness.
I’m going to add more portrait t-shirts in the months to come. But who wants to think about that after all the labor of just getting these first t-shirts up there? Guess what? I won’t be quitting my day job anytime soon.
Really, all I wanted to do was make a Little Edie t-shirt available to the masses. Or, uh, about 13 of you.
Was anyone else scandalized that Drew Barrymore didn’t even give any thanks to Little Edie or Big Edie in her acceptance speech for her Golden Globe on Sunday? She’s no Little Edie!
And that’s the revolutionary costume for today.
To show the polo riders, in khakis and topsiders,
Just what a revolutionary costume has to say.
It can’t be ordered from L.L. Bean.
There’s more to living than kelly green.
And that’s the revolution, I mean.
Da da da da dum…
Hooray! It’s Hollywood Foreign Press Association 2010 Golden Globe Awards Eve!
We’re scrubbing floors, tidying up and planning the menu for the big day tomorrow. How about you?
Kidding! Well, OK, I’m planning a menu but that’s mostly because I like to eat things and will make any excuse to do so.
I’ve read some online “analysis” about why the Golden Globes are better than the Oscars. Mostly it has to do with a lack of stuffiness and a willingness for the HFPA to vote their hearts and not according to some old grudge or because someone is blood brothers with Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg or, God help them, Ron Howard. Or that strange, little Brian Grazer creature who turns up everywhere, his hair like a periscope announcing his arrival.
Man, I’m really into the song “Heads Will Roll” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs right now. I don’t know much about the band, except that Karen O is known for her extravagant dressing (at least until upstaged many times over by Lady Gaga). I guess I just don’t pay that much attention to music. But this song actually motivated me to go out to YouTube and find the video.
A few years ago (five, seven?), during a time when I was looking for a job and not having any luck, I came across a classified ad that exemplified everything I didn’t want in a job and I cut it out, almost as a reminder to myself that, no matter how bad things got, I could never allow myself to sink to the level of what this ad was asking someone to be.
Last night I was looking through some old papers and found the clipping again. I’m going to reproduce it here because I know a lot of people are looking for work right now and maybe this clipping will help them clarify in their minds what they will or won’t do or remind them that, yes, things are bad but maybe they’re not so bad.
Continue reading Can You Be Everything I’ve Ever Dreamed Of And More?
TRUE CALLING
Day ten on the island. I’m going through suitcases on the beach, sorting stuff into piles. Clothing. Toiletries. Books.
It occurs to me that I could start a small island lending library with all the paperbacks we’ve found. Mostly Harry Potter, Tom Clancy stuff, two copies of Memoirs of a Geisha, romance novels, one Life of Pi, Bridget Jone’s Diary. It seems that people tend not to read the classics when they fly. Who can blame them? I’m glad I wasn’t reading Russian literature when the plane started to break apart, or I would have been too paralyzed by depression to reach out for my oxygen mask.
Some phrases and words that bother me a great deal…
Event listing descriptions that begin “Get thee to XXX tonight…” Yeah, I don’t know why this is common enough that I’ve noticed it. Drives me mad. Like, ha ha, I’m funny and Olde English and I’m doing a take-off on the line, “Get thee to a nunnery!” Which might have been effective once but not 234 times. Get thee to the Jagged Edge Bar tonight for the wet t-shirt contest. Get thee to the feminist spoken word slam. I just received an event announcement via email with one of the listings beginning, “Get thee to Uptown this frigid January eve for a hot, hot set by melodic indie supergroup, Communist Daughter.” Get thee to Uptown? Snort. And get thee to Uptown on this frigid night? No fucking way, anyway. I’m not even going to touch “melodic indie supergroup.” OK, yeah I am. Indie or supergroup… which is it? Supergroup makes me think of Boston or Air Supply. Or… Aerosmith. Communist Daughter… not so much.
Still sometimes missing this curmudgeon. She sure was a trial but she was our trial. And she kept me company through some very lonely times during my 20s. Love you, Ella!
A few days ago, the song “Rag Doll” by Aerosmith came up in conversation. I don’t remember how, when or what the exact circumstances are. Maybe it was on the radio in the car. In just a few seconds, the complete awfulness of this song washed over me in a way it hadn’t since the song was popular in the late 80s.
Say what you will about the troubles we went through in the Double 00’s, I’m glad we live in an era that’s past the time when Aerosmith puts out music that’s embraced by the masses. They can have all the last hurrahs they want (although what is the official status of Steven Tyler right now?) as long as they don’t put out any more music on the level of “Rag Doll.”
It’s been heavy on my mind. Today, I looked up the lyrics.
Early in 2009, I wrote an essay for the site Twin Cities Daily Planet about why I love Little Edie Beale and the documentary Grey Gardens. Then I reviewed Grey Gardens (the musical) when it opened at The Ordway in St. Paul.
Today I found out that my essay, Why I love Grey Gardens (and Edith “Little Edie” Bouvier Beale) was the second-most read article of the year on TC Daily Planet’s site. The list of the top ten “most read” for the site can be found here. I’m on the list with stuff about the Minneapolis schoolboard, Ethiopia and the best bars to meet single women. Sweet!
Kicking off the new year with love for Little Edie is fabulous. Stay tuned for more Little Edie news in the next few days!
Fifty-five miles north of Orlando is a “mature adult” alternative to Disney World called The Villages. It’s a retirement community that bills itself as Florida’s “friendliest retirement hometown.” My parents bought a home there in 2007 and spent their first winter there in 2008.
Whenever I try to describe The Villages to people (the travel by golf cart, the homes that all look pretty much alike, the pods of villages with Spanish-sounding names) they have one of two reactions. One is, “Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun,” and the other is, “That sounds weird.”
Continue reading The Villages: Disney World For The Retired?
I’m about to take off for our (becoming annual) trip to Florida for Christmas. Hopefully, I will have lots to share about what’s happening down in the The Villages, the retirement community where my parents live. Maybe there will be some touching poems published in the Villages newspaper. Or some action at the adults-only pool. And fun dance parties at Katie Belle’s, a “stunning two-story club located right on Town Square!”
But in the meantime, I’d like to leave you with a holiday greeting from some of my favorite children… The Singing Snowballs!
Just one day after my post about Ziggy, this was the Ziggy strip that ran…
Actually, I think I will be a little sad if Ziggy has to wear pants all the time now. I’d like to see him rock some jeans once in awhile but I think if he’s just at home, hanging out with his dog, cat and bird, it’s OK for him to have on just a tunic. Or maybe some boxers would be nice.