But You Are In That Chair! Cheats & Scoundrels Edition

baby jane on beach 170From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s special focus is Douche Bags In the News: Ladies Take Notes!

Dear Baby Jane,
My heart is broken for Sandra Bullock! From the high high of winning a Best Actress Oscar to the low low of losing her husband Jesse James to a tramp, I don’t know how she’s holding it all together. Today I read online that Hollywood is rallying behind her. Do you think Sandra will be OK and make more wonderful movies like
The Blind Side?
America’s Other Sweetheart
Tagalong, Texas

Dear AOS,
The best thing that could come out of this for Sandy is if she stops making romantic drivel and signs on for Whatever Happened to Baby Sue? co-starring Julia Roberts. The script has been floating around Hollywood for years but the studio can never get two powerhouses at once. Reese Witherspoon, Uma Thurman, Jennifer Aniston and Charlize Theron have all been attached at different times but then they fall in love again, make some movie in which they co-star with a tiny dog or some bloated leading man and they back out. The only one who stays put is Julia and she’s even willing to play the the sister with the back brace and the facial scarring! And it would be great for me, too, since I’ve committed to making a cameo appearance as the sinister next-door-neighbor who’s just back from a stay in the nut house. I need to eat, too, is what I’m saying.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust a man after what happened to Sandra Bullock! She said Jesse had her back, she truly believed it, and all the while Jesse had some hussy
on her back instead. Men are scum! Who could do that to America’s Joke-Cracking, Tough-Talking Sweetheart?
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Dear Enraged,
Who could do that, you ask? Why, a big douche bag, that’s who! Come on, the guy is named Jesse James and rides motorcycles around for a living. Also, he’s a big douche bag who didn’t make nearly as much cash as his broad did. He felt inferior so he sought out some piece of trash to have his way with. Song as old as time! And she’s not just trash, she’s hate-filled trash who posed for photos wearing a Nazi armband and hat. It’s the story of ying vs. yang, light vs. dark, America’s Sweetheart vs. America’s Nameless Skank. OK, the truth is I’m just mad at that bitch for borrowing my “Sin For Sale” t-shirt and never returning it.

Dear Baby Jane,
The rest of the country seems to have moved on to the latest scandals – John Edwards and his love child, Sandra Bullock’s heartbreak – but I’m still upset over the fall of Tiger Woods. Tiger is truly the greatest athlete the world has ever known. He is a wonderful father and a role model for kids everywhere. Now his reputation is tarnished. He’s returned to golf, thank God, but can it ever be the same?
Tiger For President
Royal Oak, Michigan

Dear TFP,
No, it can never be the same. All you have to do is watch a recent interview with him and look into those dead eyes and you’ll know that the devil came to collect what was his. You see, Tiger made a deal back when he was about eight. He asked the devil to make him the greatest golfer ever to walk the planet. The devil said, “Yeah, but what’s in it for me?” Tiger said, “I could secretly be a bad person.” “AHA!,” said the devil. “Now you’re onto something.” So the deal was that Tiger would have a secret penchant for prescription drugs, loud nightclubs and loose women. Not quite as loose as that Jesse James tramp but pretty loose. What the devil didn’t tell Tiger, because the devil is, after all, the devil, is that this wouldn’t remain their little secret. It would all come out and Tiger’s reign as Black Athlete White People Love And Feel Comfortable Rooting For would end.

I know all this because I made a similar deal with the devil when I was four. I wanted to be the most precocious and creepy child performer ever. He granted my wish but never mentioned that someday my talent would dry up and I’d play second fiddle to my sister and become a raging alcoholic and lunatic.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
I’m in a similar situation to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards’s lover and mother of his love child. Everything seems to be working out great for her – she has that kid, a photo spread in
GQ Magazine, money. I’m pregnant and I’m wondering if I should come forward too and expose MY high-powered politician lover who happens to be a congressman from Ohio? Granted, I’m just a part-time sales clerk at Bed, Bath & Beyond, not a sexy videographer  like Rielle. I won’t get a spread in GQ but I could maybe manage a tasteful photo in Good Housekeeping. But what I’m worried about is that it will not be deemed newsworthy in light of  all the glitz of other cheating scandals and I’ll get lost in the shuffle. If that’s the case, then should I break this off right now and accuse some right wing pundit/”journalist” of knocking me up? Could that backfire on me when my baby comes out looking like a gnome?
Desperate & Anxious
Toldedo, Ohio

Dear Desperate,
The best advice I can give you is to not back down from your plan. Stick with the plan! What would have happened if I hadn’t served my sister a dead rat and instead said, “I’ll just serve her some moldy cheese?” Or what if I didn’t tie her to her bed but “suggested” that she not leave her room? Lame! You have to come out big and bold. Call a press conference! Contact TMZ. You need to make noise to get noticed. Not getting the attention you want and deserve? Pose for pictures in a Nazi hat, tattoo your forehead, do some porn, write a tell-all, get big, cartoon boobs. My God, are you from Canada? Because you certainly aren’t acting like an American.
Baby Jane

Dear Baby Jane,
All the cheating! All the heartbreak! The scandal! Who’s next?
Gossip Addict
Burlington, Vermont

Dear Gossip,
Well, I don’t think Bogie and Bacall are going to last much longer. Also, I think we’re due for another expensive Johnny Carson divorce. Word has it that Dick Clark was caught with his “hand in the cookie jar” backstage at American Bandstand. And one never knows about Burt and Lonnie, they sure are hot and cold. And if Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split, I’m definitely buying a Team Aniston t-shirt, which I’ll cut off into a half-shirt in order to show off my Broadway Baby tattoo that used to be on my stomach but is now located just above my crotch.
Baby Jane

baby jane curtain small for blogBaby Jane Recommends
Someone left this book, Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things on my front porch. It didn’t do a thing for me! I’m not getting rid of my dolls and my sailor dresses! And my collection of bottles under the front porch is there for when I get around to building my still and making my own whiskey. And I need all those newspapers from 1925 to 1943 in that one pile… and then those chocolates from Christmas 1979, those are still good! Oh, have I shown you my collection of milk caps? And these empty lipstick tubes are from every tube I’ve ever worn since I was 16. I keep thinking I’ll get around to making a wreath out of them. So, yeah, I’m using all this stuff.

But you… you look like you could really use some help.