The Care & Feeding of Stephen Baldwin

creepy stephen baldwinLast week I was wondering what my old friend Stephen Baldwin has been up to lately. I just don’t see him as much since he experienced his Second Birth. So it was synchronicity when my other friend who is not Stephen Baldwin shared The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin with me.

What is this? you might ask. Some kind of elaborate ruse? A joke? A prank?

Not at all. The truth, which Stephen is not shy about admitting, is that he needs money. And since he’s a man of Faith, Christians the world over should chip in to Restore Him To His Former Glory. And by Glory he means financial status, i.e. please restore him to the lifestyle to which he grew accustomed to as a Baldwin in the 1990s.

From the website:

“Long ago, when God restored Job he used Token Gifting as the mechanism for his restoration. The scripture says “everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house…each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring” Job 42:10-11

“All Who Know Him” each gave a token gift which resulted in the restoration of Job. This same simple mechanism is the vision behind this movement. As the Body of Christ, we are the greatest force on earth. What if 10% of the 159 million Christians in America gave a Token Gift [to Stephen Baldwin]? What if 10% of the worlds 2 billion Christians gave a token gift? What would the media have to say about such an event?”

Better questions may be: What would the IRS have to say about such an event? What would I have to say about such an event? Answer: WTF??

The brief history behind all this is that Stephen Baldwin was once a promising young Baldwin, ready to ascend the Baldwin throne in Hollywood. Remember Threesome? And then, for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. Let’s see… there were already a lot of Baldwins floating around in the Hollywood talent pool. And it was hard to distinguish one from another. And Stephen got into booze and drugs. Or maybe just booze or maybe just drugs. Whatever.

Next, Stephen announced he was Born Again. Hooray! But then, according to Stephen and this site, people were reluctant to do business with him. And he wasn’t getting any jobs because he refused to do any sex or violence (this resulted in a 70% drop in his annual income). His convictions led to his highly publicized bankruptcy.

So Stephen has been most prominent on reality TV shows like Celebrity Apprentice, Celebrity Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here! Wow, it must be super fun to be his housemate. Apparently, he walks around quoting the Bible. And leaving crusted-up dishes in the kitchen sink.

If Stephen can’t be saved through gifts of money, he may have to resort to portraying sex and violence and it would be a HUGE loss to Christianity. The permission for the site was granted not from Stephen himself but instead by Daniel Southern of the Southern Leadership Group. Daniel is Stephen’s spiritual adviser (and financial advisor??) and apparently in some position to allow Stephen Baldwin to become his own charity.

If you want a fun read, go the the Q & A section of The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin site.

Anyway… I checked out Stephen’s profile on (it should come as no surprise that Stephen’s Star Meter is up 44% this week!) to see if what he’s been up to lately is truly Christian.

A feature called Shoot The Duke (completed in 2009 but not released) was filmed in Germany. It’s a comedy/action/thriller with keywords like “stabbed with scalpel, gun, betrayal and hit man.”

Let The Game Begin, a feature scheduled for release in 2011, features a cadre of B-listers like Michael Madsen, Natasha Henstridge, one actress named Lisa Ray and another named Lisa Jay. This is the synopsis provided on the site by Anonymous:

Tripp is an average frustrated chump, who comes up with a golden idea. He partners with Gary, a Wall Street wheeler and dealer, and brings his cousin, Rowan, on-board to help with his business. As Tripp and Rowan journey together for business, Tripp learns about Rowan’s extraordinary skills- skills in attracting women. The duo realizes that business and relationships today have a lot in common. Tripp learns Rowan’s game and begins closing on business deals. But the problem is, Tripp is married. As the business grows to be worth millions, Tripp realizes that there are many players around him who want a piece of the gold. He must decide to either fight for the gold, or find love, with his new found knowledge of the game.

Wanting more info, I went to the film’s website and was greeted with this message:





So it doesn’t seem as if that’s going to pan out anytime soon.

Then there’s Loving the Bad Man, due out in 2010. Thinking maybe this is finally a Christian film about the allure of the devil, I delved deeper (and by this I mean I Googled the movie title and found the website). Turns out I was kinda right:

This feature-length movie explores how God is present in all of us, and shows His glorious power even in the face of racism and such heinous acts as rape and murder.   This film reveals the endurance of the human condition, and how we are all part of God’s great universe no matter how good or bad we are.

This story focuses primarily on Julie Thompson (Christine Kelly), a young conservative Christian woman, who is truly tested by God and gives birth to a child conceived in rape.   This decision leads her on a journey that forces her to explore and redefine her relationships with God, her family, friends and even her rapist Mike Connor (Arturo Fernandez), as she struggles to forgive the man who violated her by boldly visiting him in prison and forging an unlikely bond.

There’s nothing quite like bonding with your rapist, bringing him snapshots of his baby. Yuck. But still, I gotta admit, I would watch this.

There’s also a project in post-production called To The Wall, which I couldn’t find any info on but it’s a low-budget indie, a project in production called Mate (Two former world chess champions battle wits to determine the greatest champion in history. After one is mysteriously killed, the other is unsuspectingly catapulted into a deadly conspiracy that he must win on and off the board if he is to escape the same fate. I think I saw this movie in the 1980s…) which has a seriously kick-ass poster promising the film in Summer 2009 and, finally, a project called Power And Pride, in which he and Eric Roberts are listed as “rumored.” No one wants to confirm or deny making a movie with Stephen Baldwin and Eric Roberts or what?

So listen, people. It’s not like Stephen has only been sitting around reading the Bible. The guy goes to work. He’s just not making the kind of money he’d like to make. I’m sure this situation makes him completely and utterly unique, right?