I Have Choosen You

Dear Beloved [Person I Have Never Met Before],

I am sure this mail would be coming to you as a surprise since we have never met before and you would also be asking why I have decided to chose you amongst the numerous internet users in the world [all of whom I have also sent this message], precisely I cannot say why I have choosen you [I choosen anyone who is stupid enough to fall for this] but do not be worried for I come in peace [yes, I am an alien] and want you to me to help me accomplish my last wish . As the island of Haiti experience a major earthquake struck, I will like to use this last chance to help as a philanthropist .

Before I move further, permit me to give you a little of my biography, I am Lady Rita Ratnavale [you can call me Lady Marmalade] 78 Years old woman and the wife of Sir Ratnavale, Victor, [you can call him Dead Guy] dual citizen of Switzerland and Britain [and Citizen of The World]  who died in a Plane crash on Monday the 7th of September 1998 GMT 14:22 UK [my watch stopped at exactly that moment] alongside with my daughter [she had no name, we never got around to it] while they were flying from New York to Geneva [after completing a shopping spree at FAO Schwartz]. Please see site [that I developed while sitting in an Internet cafe] below for more information. http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9809/swissair.victims.list/index.html
After the death of my husband I became the Head of his investment and now that I am old and weak I have decided to spend the rest of my life in my Ranch before i finally leave the world, but before the death of my husband we had a plan to use the last days of our lives to donate half of what we have worked for to the less privileged and charity homes and the other half for ourselves, family members and close friends [even though our friend, Warren Buffett, advised against this second part], and it is so unfortunate that my husband is  not alive today to do this with me and  I am very weak and old now [did I mention weak? Old? Both old and weak?] , hence I have decided to do this philanthropic work on behalf of my late husband [even though I had 12 YEARS to complete this task, I’m just getting around to it. What can I say? I’m a procrastinator].

Presently, I have willed out almost half of our assets to several charity homes and to some of the less privilege in different countries [you wouldn’t believe how much time and energy it takes to give away money!]. Despite the agreement between my late husband and I to give aid to the deprived, we also agreed to render support to an individual we have not  meet before in life due to the fact when we were still young in life  we received an anonymous help from an individual we did not know [robbed at gunpoint] and which we were never able to identify [who never did pick us out of the line-up] ,the impact we got from such a gesture [booze, drugs, Garbage Pail Kids trading cards, boxes of Red Hots] made us to do same.

I am sorry to inform you that you will never have the chance to know me [because I am so very awesome] because I have just concluded the assignment which my husband and I  have agreed upon before his sudden death and you happened to be the beneficiary of our last will. hence I need you to do me a favour by accepting our offer and using it to help the poor in Haiti [excuse me, I am old and weak and I am making no sense at all but just keep reading a bit further until we get to the part where I steal your money].

I deposited a check in the sum of ?2.400,000.00 (Two Million Four Hundred Thousand British Pounds) with DHL UK one week ago to deliver to you [random Internet user], but i was very ill [hungover] so i could not send you an email until today [the Internet cafe is closed on Mondays]. what you have to do now is to contact the assigned dispatch officer Mr Jim Brown [or his sidekick Mr. John Doe] as soon as possible to know  when they will deliver your package to you [millions of dollars now come bundled in brown paper packages – it’s so much more eco than a single, paper check made out to you].

For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance Premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque [I told you I’m awesome] showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country [it is clearly stamped on the outside, “This is Money But Not Drug Money,” and “This is Money But Not Money Sponsoring Terrorists”]

You have to contact the assigned dipatch officer Mr Jim Brown now for the delivery of your cheque with this information below:

Contact Person: Mr.Jim Brown
Email Address:  dispatchdept@dhlglobalservice.org

[If you can’t get ahold of him, please e-mail or call Mick Jagger instead]

Again, you are not to pay for the delivery Charge, the Insurance premium and the Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque because I have already paid for them [I told you I’m awesome].

Note:What you are expected to pay is ?180 British Pounds ($389USD) [I did the conversion for you!] for the security keeping of the package because with my order your package has been taken to a SECURITY COMPANY FROM DHL. [I’m awesome but I’m not that awesome]

I would have paid the fee but the company insisted that I should not because they don’t know when you will be contacting them and to avoid demur rage [ something completely made up that sounds like a disease one might contract in the jungle or maybe it’s actually “lemur rage”] or further cost. You are to reconfirm the below information to them to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Postal address [for you, random Internet user who I love so well];
Full Names [for you, random Internet user who I love so well I opened an account in your name at a bank except I don’t know your name]:
Direct telephone number [don’t give me the number to the front desk at your place of employment; I don’t deal with gatekeepers]

Below is the security keeping code: (SCT/0433/F) of you draft, you are to also present it to them for verification before delivery.

Please, try to contact Mr Jim Brown [have I mentioned Mr Jim Brown yet?] as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay.

Be also notified that I will no longer be reading my emails or surfing the internet as I have retired completely from the outside world [got kicked out of Internet cafe] to private ranch [shitty apartment] where i have cleared all charges [this is my absolute last minute of Internet usage ever. I swear. Just a few more tweets about stupid Americans and the World Cup…]

I leave you in peace to  rest in the lord . [Let’s just forget that whole thing about helping the people of Haiti, shall we?]

Mother Rita Ratnavale [aka Lady Marmalade]