Annoying Ways In Which Annoying People Use Twitter
1. People who are on Twitter to promote things, probably for pay, who think they are being clever in the way they do it:
“Just flattened my hair with the new Blacksmith Iron by Hair Thing Maker and it’s fabulous. My hair hasn’t looked this good since my senior picture.”
“Made a sandwich and didn’t know what to put it in and then saw my new box of ZIPLOCÂ Super Zip sandwich bags!”
“I love the indie band SOFT PALETTE and their new album KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT. Got it at WalMart for $8.99.”
2. People/organizations who are desperate for more followers so they tweet to bribe people:
“We just need 745 more followers before we have 750 followers so follow us and you’ll be in drawing for $10 gas card!”
“You love iPhones, right? We do 2. Follow us for chance to win one.”
3. People who have positioned themselves as social media experts who then only tweet about social media. Duh. Don’t they know this is booooring?? Or they do something like this:
“My presentation on Fearless Tweeting at Social Media Is My Life Conference 4.5 will stream live on my website at 11 a.m. Pacific time.”
And they love stuff like this, “Think Twitter can’t make you thinner? Check out my Top 10 Reasons Twitter (And other Social Media) Will Make you Thinner and Smarter and Likable.”
4. Women… sorry, but it’s all women… who feel the need to tweet things like, “I am the wind beneath my own wings,” or “Today I am my own present” or “Sometimes all you need is hot puppy breath on your cheek to be reminded that life is temporary. We are owed nothing but this very moment.” “When you have exhausted all possibilities remember this: you haven’t.” And then a bunch of other sappy women retweet that shit. Gag.
5. Anyone who plays foursquare. 4-stupid!
“I’m at Tangletown Dentist getting my cavity filled. I’m the mayor of Tangletown Dentist!”
“I’m giving a DNA sample down at the police station on Lake Street in Minneapolis.”
“I’m eating a taco at Taco John’s on West Carlye Street. Oh, now I’m in the Taco John’s bathroom making a mess with that half-digested taco!”
The funniest take on this was something from Lizz Winstead’s feed that said, “I’m folding clothes. I’m the mayor of my closet.” It’s at about that level, people.
6. Businessmen… and sorry, it’s always men… who think it’s their job to be businesslike in their tweets.
“Testing out a new hashtag #ilovecorporations”
“Are you golfing this weekend?”
“Kudos to @kahkiman for tweeting the heck out of that new IBM article from BusinessWorld Mag!”
“Followers is a legitimate performance indicator for retail.”
“Almost the weekend. I will miss my job over the weekend but there’s always church to look forward to and then Monday morning.”
Here is a real one I just lifted fresh off Twitter: “comScore: 11% of mobile users used social netwrking sites via their mobile browser in Jan ’10 (up 4.6 from last yr)..31% of smartphone users.” Really? Wow, that is life changing.
I don’t know, I see some “I am so businesslike” GOLD on FaceBook. Actual sample from an unnamed source:
“I am a god damned drug addict. My drug? New ideas. I chase them like a junkie chases his next hit.”
Oh Rebecca, shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Got that off an “inspirational quotes” site. Gonna tweet it now.
Lu, on that note, I think I have a copy of Dr. Seuss’s Oh The Places You’ll Go if you’d like to have it.