“I’m eating some Mango Cranberry Salsa & chips from Trader Joes. So yummy. Sweet with some kick.”

And I’m eating some clown salad.

“Awesome meetings this morning, talking media and specifically the power of MN newspapers. Quick lunch now before heading back to office.”

I. Am. A. Robot.

That lunch thing on the end was just to make this person seem human.

I don’t know why, but people tweeting about invigorating meetings they’ve attended hits all my buttons. The console is lit up like a Viking ship going down in flames.

“I was basically absent from Twitter for 2 days and my world is all wonky.”

Wow, I know the feeling. Two days away from stuff like, “Win FOUR TIX to Disney on Ice’s Magical Journey,” and “You are what you love and not what loves you back,” and “Imagine Having A Blog That’s Ranked In The Top 2% & Attracts $10K/Month+ For Your Business While You Sleep,” makes me feel all weird inside too. Like, I don’t know… free or something.

I do need clarification on something though. You say you were “basically absent.” What does this mean, basically? You were absent? You were kind of absent but not completely absent? You may have peeked at it once or twice? A kidnapper tied your hands behind your back, preventing you from tweeting, but allowing you to read tweets?

Does it hurt that no one noticed your basic absence?

“Yo mama’s so skanky, she’s the mayor of the STD clinic on FourSquare!”

Yes, this was tweeted by a white guy. How do I know? Well, for starters, it’s not even remotely funny.

Let’s see… “The STD Clinic.” Yeah, they have a clinic just for that. They provide no other services. It’s a franchise, actually. They now have them in Alabama, Alaska and North Carolina. I was thinking of buying into one, because I guess it’s a steady business even in this down economy. And they tier their services – people with money get the modern drugs, people with little money get the old-timey treatments.

For example, low-income syphilis patients are placed in a box, head sticking out, and then nurses start some mercury on fire under the box so that it vaporizes.

I’m sure while these patients are lying there, they like to take out their smart phones and let everyone know, “I’m at The STD Clinic on 321 Northland Avenue!”

“Mark Wahlberg admits The Happening Was a Bad Movie.'”

Screw you, Mark Wahlberg. The Happening is a great movie. I’ve not laughed that hard at the theater in a long time. I found the idea of killer wind to be inspiring. I greatly enjoyed the acting, as well, and the fact that Zoe Deschanel blinked exactly once in the entire movie.

I was hoping for a sequel. It would have been called It’s Happening Again. Or maybe, Is It Happening Again?

Here is a clip from the movie given the special Rifftrax treatment:

“I’m never asking for help again. Whomever I ask, they huff & puff, get pissed about it. I thought there was no such thing as a dumb question.”

Oh, yeah… about that whole “no dumb question” thing. We met and decided that there are dumb questions. Did you get the e-mail? Maybe it went into your spam filter? We decided that the world was getting super cluttered with dumb questions so we said that, from now on, every human would huff and puff and hiss and maybe piss every time they were asked a dumb question. I mean, you can join in, too. Just please no more of your dumb questions.

“most companies don’t have cultures, they have cults. culture is about making sense of the world–not making war on it. which do you have?”

Well… I’m not sure. I’ve never thought about it. There’s not much time to think around here because we’re so busy growing our own food, taking mind-expanding drugs, having sex with our leader, The One True & Righteous CEO, and making bombs. Just tiny bombs, mind you. The one thing we do have here is capital letters, also known as “majuscules,” if you’re super smart. Do you have capital letters at your company? It doesn’t seem like it.

“Just took my contacts out for the first time in 4 or 5 days. Feels AMAZING.”

I don’t think I really need to add my commentary to this one. It pretty much says all there is to say on human stupidity enabled by Twitter.

“I must look approachable…was asked by a dad at Target if he picked the right feminine products for his young daughter. He did.”

Wait, no he didn’t!! You steered him wrong! Not tampons, you idiot, pads. With belts. Thick, thick pads that make a girl feel like she’s wearing a diaper. Huge pads are the way to go. The kind of pads that make wearing your skinny jeans impossible. The kind of pad that makes wearing a short skirt seem scandalous and obscene.

Alternately…

What a sad pick-up line. “Hey, you look like a lady who’s enjoyed a robust estrous cycle or two. Would you wear this tampon? You would? I have a young daughter and she needs some tampons… I became a dad when I was really young. Didn’t work out with the mother. Now I’ve got a teen and I’m still in my prime. Would you like to go to dinner sometime? Do you enjoy Steak-And-Ale?”

“Was called a ‘do gooder’ today as if it’s an insult. I’ll take that label over ‘do nothing’ or ‘do nothing but complain about everything.'”

I like to be called a Do-Nothing-Who-Makes-Pithy-Comments-About-Do-Gooders.

Do gooder IS a bit of an insult. It means please stop being such a Pollyanna and let us live our lives the way we wanna live them. As Bobby Brown would say, “I made this money, you didn’t. It’s my prerogative.”

Speaking of do-gooders… you may remember this little rant from a week or two ago.  Well, today I discovered who that “turn the light off and save some pennies” do-gooder is. A sad-looking older woman who frequents the bathroom and always wears a black cardigan. She is very frail. She sighs a lot. She works for some architectural/engineering firm down the hall. I should have known all along! She looks as if she spends her free time washing homeless people’s feet. By that I mean, of course! Of course she’s the one who is turning off the light. And I can’t really yell at Mother Theresa. So I must abide.

“Tonight’s story has us all talking… tune in at 10 to hear why a local dentist says certain candies are close to battery acid!”

Oh, I’m tuning in. All this time they told me me to stop drinking battery acid, have some candy instead, and now this? I COULD HAVE HAD MY ACID ALL ALONG!!!!

But, wait a minute… is this the top story? Is this your lead because you think people will stop eating this acidic candy? Ain’t gonna happen. We’ve all heard for 25 years about how Coke will take all the rust off a nail and all the carrion off a mouse carcass but that hasn’t stopped us from drinking it. In fact, we want more of it. We want to clean out our insides, make them shiny and new. We like chemicals that sweep through our bodies destroying rust and mildew and healthy, pink tissue. If your guts are perforated, you haven’t lived!

“If you are not excited about the event you are planning then how can your attendees be?”

Well, let’s see. “Attendees” (what happened to “guests?”) will be there to eat, drink and socialize and do other fun stuff while the worker bees/planners will be doing things like running around trying to find pitchers of water, having name tags thrown back at them, dealing with a toilet paper shortage, missing out on all the appetizers and cursing the fact that the event is the same night as a party/concert/play/TV show airing that they were really, really looking forward to.

So there.

“Rise up this mornin’, Smiled with the risin’ sun, Three little birds, Pitch by my doorstep, Singin’ sweet songs, Of melodies… – Bob Marley”

Reaction One: AAAAAAAHHHH! Just got out of bed, saw this and then stabbed myself in the face.

Reaction Two: The only way you could possibly be more annoying is to post the lyrics to “Don’t Worry Be Happy.”

Amidst sale craziness… the garage is stuffed to the top with stuff for the sale! – I happened upon this from one of my FB “friends.” Quotation marks signal that we are not friends at all and that I met this person exactly once.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! They had stopped selling Kombucha until the FDA approves it! Just got home from Whole Foods with this sad, sad news. My entire weekend is ruined! :(“

I don’t know that I need to elaborate on the ins and the outs of why this person and I will never be best buds. However, I’d just like to say, “Damn you, FDA! I hate you for trying to keep idiots from hurting themselves.” Also, also – her entire weekend? Ruined because no Kombucha? Is it like crack, or what? If I saw a post that said, “Entire weekend ruined because my dealer was shot,” I would not necessarily approve of the sentiment but I’d understand the motive.

This is like saying, “My entire weekend ruined because no raw almonds at co-op. Sad sad sad!”

“Helping move a refrigerator.”

And I just… gotta… tweet while I… try to carry… it. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!

“What are your thoughts on Fund Raising Programs that sell consumables, like candy, cookie dough, coffee, snacks tea etc?”

Uh… I think they are awesome. I’ll buy cookie dough to benefit raccoon orphans. I’ll buy a candy bar to benefit your fake sports team. I’ll buy tea to benefit your cyst removal.  I’ll buy frozen pizzas so sad kids can go to Paris. Sign me up!

“There is absolutely nothing that one learns in failure that one can not also learn in success. I choose to learn from my successes.”

It just so happens that you caught me in a bad mood.

So.

1. Fuck off

2. This makes absolutely no sense. You are human, therefore you will experience failure. What do you gain by ignoring it or pretending it never happened? Are you so successful at everything that you will have more than enough material to “learn” from all of them? And what do you learn from a success? I’m awesome? There seems to be one thing one learns from failure that you don’t seem to be learning in success: humility. And how to fail with dignity.

3. Fuck off all over again.

“Cellphone coverage got pretty ridiculous at the cabin. My wife’s T-Mobile phone had AT&T roaming. My iPhone had ‘No Service'”

Can you imagine? OMFG! We were at the cabin, relaxing, getting away from it all… Do you have a cabin? Oh, you don’t? You had to, like, stay in the city this weekend? Oh.

Well, anyway, there we were, relaxing, taking a break from swimming, reading novels, identifying mushrooms, etc., when I realized that OUR CELL PHONE COVERAGE WAS CRAP! Completely ridiculous! What if someone was trying to call? What if we had an emergency? I couldn’t even tweet about having fun at the cabin.

I mean, roaming? That’s so 2007. And iPhones… for what I pay for service? It should be a cell phone to God!

Then I was completely unrelaxed, checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if service had been restored. It. Had. Not.

“I’m really craving mints right now. I dunno. I want mints or something mild to be kind to my stomach. :\ Progress on paper: working in cites.”

Absolutely fascinating. Both parts, really. Would it be possible to just… go get mints instead of tweet about it?

What is the appropriate response to something like this? “Oh, Mr. X, I’m sorry your tummy hurts!!! 🙁 Feel better! Get that paper done!!!! Things will be better tomorrow!!!”

Meanwhile… meanwhile… oil continues to spill into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m just sayin’ And we still haven’t exhausted all the symbolism in Human Centipede. But mints for an upset tummy? I mean, it’s solvable.

“15 minutes late for a webinar. Listened for 5 minutes. Leaving 40 minutes early.”

Translation: I’m a bona fide Corporate Bad Boy! No webinar can hold me.

“I have been reminded: I need to buy seasons 5 and 6 of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Also: I need to find time for TV watching. And $$$.”

OK. OK, wait. There is someone, an adult, who feels compelled to purchase seasons 5 AND 6 of Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Like, for a DVD collection? And… and… needs to schedule time for TV watching? And then, just as a side note, needs some money?

Consider my mind blown.

And, on second thought, aren’t these priorities in exactly the reverse order of what they should be, assuming that TV watching is a legit priority? I mean, this person is Midwestern, so according to Patricia Heaton she should be surgically attached to a TV but… I’m going to say securing money equals time to dedicate to TV watching and then, if you’re super bored, seasons 5 & 6 of Sabrina (shudder).

“I try to eat healthy, even my snacks that I go nuts for are healthy, I rarely ever eat things like Cheetos.”

Not that I’m thinking about Cheetos. Not that I like Cheetos. Not that I ate an entire bag of Cheetos last night and now I’m starting over because it’s Monday, the start of a new week. This week I’m going to be perfect. This week I will only eat nuts and berries for snacks. I’m Nutz for Nuts! Who would want to eat Cheeots, anyway? Who likes that cheddar cheese taste and that satisfying bite down into a puff of fatty crispiness?

“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.”

Face it. I’m fucking raaaaaad as hell.