You guys will never believe what happened on the next episode of Real Housewives of New York. Another lunch! Salads were consumed! Women were miffed!

Here is my version of the luncheon conversation between Countess LuAnn and Bethenny:

LuAnn approaches table in usual headscarf and big sunglasses.

LuAnn: Thanks for inviting me to lunch!

Bethenny: Don’t be too excited. I’m really pissed at you.

LuAnn: At moi? Porquoi? (translation: At me? Why?)

Bethenny: Because when I told you that I made the cover of Social Life Magazine, the first thing you said was, ‘Are they doing any retouching?’ And that hurt me right in my insecurities.

LuAnn: You’re wrong. The first thing I said was, ‘Good for you.’ The second thing I said was about the retouching.

Bethenny: But still– That hurt. That’s not a nice thing to say.

LuAnn: I thought it was well-established that I don’t say nice things. Well, I do sometimes say nice things but I certainly don’t mean them.

Bettheny: It really, you know, it hurt– Because–

LuAnn: Have I mentioned that I’m part Native American? Native American from Connecticut. Can you imagine how far I’ve come?

Bethenny: Ah, I guess, I’m still hurt. Over here. Still hurt. Because you implied I needed retouching.

LuAnn: I was trying to protect you. I’m just a hen. A big hen. And you’re a chick. A chick with some flaws. Around your eyes.

Bethenny: I would hope that, as my friend, you would be happy for me and not bring up retouching–

LuAnn: I’m sorry, what are we talking about? Oh– are we still on the photo thing? Darling, seriously.

Much  big salad eating (think haughty skewering of lettuce with forks) and looking away from each other to hide simmering anger. To be fair, LuAnn had a tough week, what with Ramona not only saying LuAnn’s married to an old man but saying it:

1. In front of LuAnn’s daughter, Victoria, who apparently had no idea her father was older than she is or something the way LuAnn went on and on about how it was so hurtful. to say that in front of her daughter. Although I gotta hand it to the teen, she does a great job of keeping it all bottled up inside. It will serve her well.

2. At the cancer lodge place, which is close to LuAnn’s heart although it was unclear if she’d ever been there before.

3. With total disregard for the fact that LuAnn is Native American somewhere inside.

But it wasn’t too cool of Ramona. There is a 15 year age difference between LuAnn and The Count. Big deal. And I agree that being in your 60s no longer counts as old. It did when life expectancy was 50 but now it’s any Elderly Person’s Game out there.

AND, and, and, there was a cancer patient in the background wearing a hat or scarf or something because she didn’t have any hair left. And they’re bickering about whether or not LuAnn’s husband is old. Some of the people there would give, well, their hair and their dignity to be able to live to be as old as LuAnn’s husband.

So I’m going to pick on Ramona. In the opening credits she says something along the lines of, “I like making my own money. It’s an aphrodisiac.” But Ramona must not get in the mood too often because she doesn’t actually do anything that makes money. Meeting with your husband and badgering him about lobster claws on bracelets (he’s some kind of jewelry guy/importer) doesn’t count, does it? And doing “a charity” makes money for other people. I mean, right?

But when it gets right down to it, I’m no better than any of these women. Here’s what I do with my free time: I work on a screenplay about a guy who “comes out” as a mime, read articles about how hard it is to sell a screenplay, and then retreat to my bed with a laptop to watch more Real Housewives. And this is my choice. I’m not doing any charities. I’m not making much money (although more than, what, two-thirds of the world’s population or something so I guess I’m sitting pretty). I’m not even Native American. But I spend a lot of time wondering if I should be doing these things instead of doing what I’m doing. So I guess I know what it’s like to be hit in the insecurities, like Bethenny. Am I wasting my time? Does my friend think I look old? Same difference. At least Ramona knows what turns her on. And LuAnn… well, she’s a Countess, for God’s sake. What more is there to achieve in life?

As for Social Life Magazine, the “Young, Hip, Ultra-Cool” editor-in-chief said that she feels sorry for anyone not in the magazine. What a burden to feel sorry for billions of people! At least I’m not that insecure.

Click HERE if you want to view the most annoying website ever made, brought to you by Social Life Magazine. Sound affects every time you click on something? Really? How 2006.