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The Bad Boys of Christmas

If jolly Santa Claus doesn’t do it for you, you may need to go Euro when it comes to finding some Christmas sexy.

krampusBachelor Number 1 – Krampus (aka Krotchus)
Age: 545
Occupation: badass
Hobbies: eating grass, terrifying children, hitting people with sticks
Mr. Krampus is often described as “goat-like” in appearance – long face, horns, fur – and has bad breath. His main paying gig takes place on December 5th each year when he roams rural areas (where he still has street cred) with chains and sticks threatening women and children. Krampus targets virgins, too, and makes sure that they get a “birching,” which consists of hitting them on the ass or back with a birch stick as punishment for… still being virgins (see Exhibit A). If the Krampus thinks your kid is a brat, he’ll load him up in a basket and take him to hell (or Spain, depending upon his mood). Most disturbing of all, Wikipedia refers to Krampus as an incubus which, if you don’t know, is a male demon who has sex with women while they sleep. Or sometimes while they are awake – I guess it depends on his mood.
Likes: virgins, birch trees, sex in the morning (noon and night are OK too), eating bad children
Dislikes: warmth, casserole, hot chocolate, puppies

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