If jolly Santa Claus doesn’t do it for you, you may need to go Euro when it comes to finding some Christmas sexy.
Bachelor Number 1 – Krampus (aka Krotchus)
Hobbies: eating grass, terrifying children, hitting people with sticks
Mr. Krampus is often described as “goat-like” in appearance – long face, horns, fur – and has bad breath. His main paying gig takes place on December 5th each year when he roams rural areas (where he still has street cred) with chains and sticks threatening women and children. Krampus targets virgins, too, and makes sure that they get a “birching,” which consists of hitting them on the ass or back with a birch stick as punishment for… still being virgins (see Exhibit A). If the Krampus thinks your kid is a brat, he’ll load him up in a basket and take him to hell (or Spain, depending upon his mood). Most disturbing of all, Wikipedia refers to Krampus as an incubus which, if you don’t know, is a male demon who has sex with women while they sleep. Or sometimes while they are awake – I guess it depends on his mood.
Likes: virgins, birch trees, sex in the morning (noon and night are OK too), eating bad children
Dislikes: warmth, casserole, hot chocolate, puppies
Bachelor Number 2 – Le PÃ¨re Fouettard (aka The Whipping Father)
Occupation: Being French
Hobbies: drinking, beating children, Jerry Lewis
A French guy who runs with the St. Nicholas crew during rounds on St. Nicholas’ Day (6th December), taking care of the naughty kids by giving them coal or a flogging while St. Nick gets to be the hero and hand out candy and oranges to the good kids. He hangs out mainly in the Eastern regions of France, although he’s been spotted all over Europe. He has a sinister face,Â likes to wear black robes and sports a long, hipster beard. He carries a whip, a large stick, or a bundle of switches and an iPhone.
Bachelor Number 3 – Knecht Ruprecht
Occupation: Judge & Executioner
Hobbies: fast cars, song and women
Ruprecht is also a St. Nicholas crony. Depending upon who you ask, he started out as a servant or a farmhand and then rose up the ranks to become St. Nick’s number 2. Others claim he was aÂ wild foundling whom St. Nicholas raises from childhood. Ruprecht has a limp, wears black and is dirty. Children have to perform tricks, dance or sing for Nick and Ruprecht to prove they’re worthy of gifts and treats (kind of along the same lines as So You Think You Can Dance or American Idol). Those who don’t make the cut are beaten by Ruprecht and those who performed well get some swag. The really terrible ones are tucked into Ruprecht’s sack and driven in his BMW to either his home in the Black Forest to be eaten or tossed into a river like garbage. Ouch. That’s one tough dude.
Likes: birding, disco