The folks at Party City weren’t kidding around when they named their business. This is a City that’s about the Party. Did you come here to Party? In the City? Cuz we built this city on Rock and Roll…

Their Halloween costumes mean some serious party business, too. If you are a gal, don’t think you’re going to find much that will conceal the lower third of your ass. If you’re a dude, I hope you look good in fangs and a smoking jacket.

People use Halloween as an excuse to reveal their inner sluts. And more power to them, if that’s their thing. It’s probably genius that some retail store figured out that people are not only slutty but incredibly busy sluts or lazy sluts who want to buy their slut costumes pre-packaged.  Things aren’t the way they used to be, damn it. My college boyfriend and I went out for Halloween freshman year dressed as a pimp and his ho. Don’t ask me what that was about but I will say that I cobbled together my own hooker outfit. I didn’t buy “Hooker on a Hanger.”

As if that, somehow, makes it OK.

Here are some of my faves for this year…

For Guys:

This guy is called Cain the Vampire Tyrant. Cain is a tyrannical vampire who spreads his tyranny across the land (and the bar). And then has the nerve to wear his little sunglasses like he is at prom. Click here for close-up.

See, it’s still being done. This one is called Supa Mac Daddy and we’re not talking Mac N’ Cheese. Maybe Mac of Cheese. It comes with a “bling ring” and a gold tooth cap. How much do you want to bet that many a Mac Daddy swallows the plastic gold cap when they’re on their fifth beer? Click here for the close-up.

Of course, you can always play it safe. This is the costume if you want to meet absolutely no women. But maybe some guys. Trust me, I’ve never heard any woman say she has a monk fantasy. It might be the hair. Or the enormous cross. Or the drab garment. Actually, if you buy this costume, you have two things going on: you’re weird enought to want to go out for Halloween as a monk and also so uncreative that you don’t know all you need is a brown sheet, some rope, a crucifix and a haircut. Click here for the disturbing close-up. This model doesn’t make this any easier to take!

Moving on to the ladies, welcome to “Leg Avenue”:

This is called Robyn Da Hood. See the cute little sack of money? She’s going to drop it off at some poor person place. This costume can be used again on St. Patrick’s Day and may help one secure a job for the night as the whiskey shot girl. See the shocking close-up here.

As mentioned previously on this blog, Eskimos have it rough. Not only were they misrepresented in cake form in the 1960s, they are now made a mockery of on Halloween. This number is called Eskimo Kiss. You know, they kiss with their noses! By the way, not only would this costume not protect one against sub-zero temps, it will barely protect one from a brisk 50 degrees.

“Hey, guys. What? I’m a Vampire’s Mistress! No, not an actual vampire, cuz that might be cool. I’m just a vampire’s play thing. See, bat wings! Like, I’m totally Goth, right?” The boring close-up can be viewed here.

Just… yuck. But also… yawn.