So there’s an interesting contest going on in Minneapolis right now called One Man Minneapolis. Basically, if I’ve got it down right, they are going to crown one man from Minneapolis/St. Paul “The One.” The one man who best represents “COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT, PERSONALITY, INTELLIGENCE, AND FITNESS.” [Shouting text not the author’s own.]

But like any beauty pageant for women, isn’t this stuff entirely subjective? Intelligence? Are we having them take tests? Submit SAT scores or IQ tests? Personality? Fitness… I guess this is a nicer way of saying “hotness?”

From the website:

YOU CAN VOTE ON THIS SITE ONCE A DAY FOR THE MAN YOU FEEL BEST REPRESENTS THE TWIN CITIES. IN ORDER TO GET ACQUAINTED WITH THESE GUYS, A SERIES OF FREE ‘MEET THE MEN’ HAPPY HOURS WILL BE HELD THROUGHOUT THE TWIN CITIES, ALL FROM 5-7PM.

So… who is going to the Meet The Men happy hours? I assume the men will stack these things with friends and family. But who else is going? Are single women saying, “Come on, let’s go meet these guys and try to get dates?” Is One Man just a dating game? Not really, because some of the men are married.

Are straight men coming out to meet the men? “Just wanted to see what’s so great about you. I bet I could beat you at hammerschlagen.”

Would you mention to co-workers that you were off to a “Meet The Men” happy hour? “Well, there’s this contest, see? And it’s really important to me that the right One gets honored with the title so I thought I’d go to a few of these and see who I really like, who jumps out at me as worthy of the title and what their platform is… I believe in the democratic process and all that.”

Of course the website proclaims that One Man is a terrific way to spotlight great work in the community. But if that’s the case, if this is really about philanthropy and giving back, could One Man be a man who happens to be 300 pounds but does a lot of volunteering? Why the physical fitness component? What if said man also was super intelligent and a friend to animals and had discovered a cure for elephantiasis?

I suppose I shouldn’t be too upset about this – women have been judged by their looks for eons. Often they don’t even get the courtesy nod to “intelligence” and “community involvement.” It all comes down to singing “You Light Up My Life” and how they look in a bikini.

Last year, the first year of One Man, police officer Mark Klukow won the contest. On his profile, he says he stays physically fit by, “hitting the gym six days a week, biking to work, chasing his boys around town and lots of grabass with his over-tolerant wife.” Hmmm… starts off well and then gets kind of ick. FAIL.

The crop of finalists for this year, all of whom have photos and profiles online, isn’t bad. In fact, maybe it is heartening to see a group of men who have charities they give to, nonprofits they support, good jobs, etc. Maybe the point is, “Men: We’re Not All Bad.” Maybe the point is creating hope for single ladies, single mothers and divorcees out there by spotlighting some guys who aren’t losers? Just last week I was reminded yet again of how happy I am to have found my One Man after meeting a doctor at a party who was boorish, boring and quite sexually confused (or desperate) – grabbing at my female friend one minute and whispering not-so-subtle sexual invitations into a male party-goer’s ear the next. And then there was his story about hooking up with Neil Young’s girlfriend… All the while looking like he might have something very disturbing hidden down in his basement.

So maybe I will start voting for One Man. So far I like the intensity of Joel Morris and his obvious love of hair products, Dan Lovinaria because he lists “contemporary design” as a hobby, Tony Nicholson because he’s a natty dresser, and Grant Cermak because he snorkels the oceans of the world with his wife.