How To Speak Charlie Sheen

Over the past week, we’ve heard and seen a lot of the Sheen and it ain’t over yet (nor is it the first time Sheen has jumped the tracks – there was all that 9/11 conspiracy stuff). Sometimes it can be hard to decipher what he’s saying, especially if you were still a child in the 1980s and aren’t up on slang used in 1987.

Here is a guide to understanding the lingo and the worldview of The Winningest Man in Showbiz. All of these words of wisdom have been culled from his various appearances over the past week.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

What This Means: I can no longer contain my craziness and so I’m hanging it out to dry on the line. Take a good, long look.

Bitchin’ is 1980s lingo for awesome, amazing, super cool, rad, etc. etc. “Rock Star from Mars” means cokehead.

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

What This Means: I do a lot of drugs. I do so many drugs I don’t really deserve to be here anymore but… hey, whatcha gonna do? I keep trying to die but I keep on making it.

Armless children refers to “Thalidomide babies,” of the early 1960s – these are children who were born deformed because their mother took this dangerous sedative while pregnant.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

What this means: Remember when teachers and parents told you to “get high on life?” What they meant was, you know, get into life, have interests and be interesting instead of doing drugs and becoming one-dimensional. Sheen has gone in the other direction. So, what he’s actually saying here is, “If you have a personality and are interesting or compassionate, don’t do what I did. Since you aren’t the highest paid TV star in the world, you will lose everything.”

“Some nights we’re on a rocket ship to the moon.”

What this means: Me and my friends do coke until our faces bleed, we have sex with dogs, we trash my mansion, I hit women and smash chairs, smear peanut butter on the walls, shit in my cat’s litter box, blah, blah, blah.

This does not mean that Sheen is in any way involved with the space program.

“Chuck Loree is a retarded zombie.”

What this means: Just like everyone else in America, Sheen hates his boss.

“Get out of my face with your corduroys.”

What this means: I don’t enjoy the way you dress. Could you try to be less “corduroys” and more “rock star from Mars?”

Sober Valley Lodge

What this means: This is what Sheen calls his mansion. A sign will be going up later this week and he is accepting borders. For $300 per week you get a futon mattress on the floor, all the drugs you care to eat,  a cold-pizza-and-beer breakfast and an unlimited supply of sunglasses.

“I had a CT scan and I have the lungs of a nonsmoker. Weird thing. I mean, two packs a day for 25 years.”

What this means: I’m a liar.

“You can’t be, like, totally boring and asleep and do really good comedy.”

What this means: Sheen thinks what he does is comedy. He thinks his show is funny. As I’ve tried to make clear, the man is delusional.

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world.”

What this means: I can’t do AA because then I can’t drink and it’s waaaaay more fun to drink, get high and have sex with two women on a private jet.

“Can’t you just be in a pink cloud your whole life and just be bitchin?”

What this means: Meow.

“Mel Gibson is a stone cold dude. Sean Penn was just happy to see me… He met the Goddesses.”

What this means: I met Mel while wandering around on the bottom of the barrel. We hung out for awhile, had a cocktail, talked about the Jews, the zombies, the retards, the trolls, the Goddesses.”

“First they were on me for being bloated and tan. Then they were on me for being white and thin.”

What this means: Sheen’s life is developing some alarming parallels with Elizabeth Taylor’s.

“Hiring John Stamos to replace me would be a tragic joke.”

What this means: John Stamos is a tragic joke.

Late addition: “Chuck Lorre can fight me in the Octagon.”

What this means: No one really knows.