Let Them Eat Loaf

“This sandwich loaf will be the talk of the party. Lots can be said about the delicious shrimp, olive and ham fillings!”

Loaf is served!
Loaf is served!

The above quote is from the Betty Crocker website, which features this Party Sandwich Loaf. It sounds as if they’re dissing their own retro recipe. Lots can be said? Lots of horrible things, is what they mean. Like, what misanthrope brings something stuffed with deviled ham salad to a party? I imagine someone standing over the buffet table and saying, “Who brought this?” in an accusatory tone.

But what can we say about it that’s positive…? Well, the nutritional information reveals that eating a serving of  loaf gives you 2% of the vitamin C you need each day. I’m not sure where the vitamin C would be coming from… olives? tuna? the cream cheese and half-and-half frosting? And about the frosting… I get that you need something to tie the package together but what kind of maniac goes to the trouble to do the frosted piping and rosettes for this loaf?

I hope and pray for the day when I’m at a party and someone brings this loaf. I would instantly be intrigued by the person bold enough to create one of these and bring it to a gathering. This is on a different level than the kitty litter cake I posted about a while ago. That cake says, “I’m a sick motherfucker.” This loaf says, “Even food can be a joke,” or maybe, “Remember a more innocent time? When various mayo-based salads stuffed into a loaf of bread seemed chic?”

The good part is that making this doesn’t have to be as time-consuming as it might seem at first glance.

“To make these party loaves even easier, just pick up a variety of fillings at the deli or the refrigerated section of your supermarket.”

OR buy some from the refrigerated deli case at a Super America. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gone into SA to use a cash machine and ended up waiting for someone else to finish while staring at the deviled ham sandwiches, their mayo-ham stuffing straining against the confines of the cellophane wrapping. Do SA’s end up throwing these away every night? Because you might sell, what, one or two of these per week but certainly not 10 per day.

I suddenly have an image of a Mrs. Haversham-esque woman going into SA at closing time to buy up the deli salad sandwiches at half price before they’re thrown into the trash, taking them home and concocting one of these party loafs. She scrapes the salad from the pieces of bread with shaking hands, mixing them together in wonky layers. Then she puts some pink dye in her cream cheese and half-and-half frosting so they whole things looks like a birthday cake made by a ten-year-old and brings it to a party, where no one eats any after word gets out that 1) it’s so not a cake and 2) the frosting is full of cat hair.

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