Ripitude Devolves Into Suckitude

Workout Number One.

What a joke.

Before our first workout, Cardio Week 1 (the Six Week Transformation takes you through 3 DVDs that you rotate continually: Cardio, Core, Resistance), on Saturday, we were all laughs and smiles. “Ripitude!” “Let’s do this!” Halfway through I felt as if I was in the middle of a nightmare about a boot camp. Before the workout, I was worried that we wouldn’t get enough out of just one session per workout. Perhaps we’d want to do two sessions per day. After all, a session is only 20 minutes.

Silly, silly woman.

It started out fine. Swing the kettlebell. Do some squats. Punch. Punch. Punch. But then horrific things started happening. Awful push-ups switching from one side to another without stopping. Mountain climbers. A long squat in an imaginary chair with the kettlebell held out in front. We made it all the way through. But then it started over with just a little flash on the screen that said, “Set 2.” Set 2? And we had to do it all again.

After the first couple of exercises in Set 2, we paused the DVD. I sat down on the couch. My husband was drenched in sweat. The only sound in the room was our heavy breathing. It’s strange coming face-to-face with your physical limitations, especially when those limitations involve not being able to complete a home exercise DVD without resting.

We kept going. I only did as much as I could, creating my own sissy push-ups for that segment and skipping the second set of mountain climbers. I do feel ashamed of this. As soon as it was over, I resolved to do better next time. As Ryan Shanahan says, “You never say ‘I can’t.’ You have to look at the exercise and ask yourself, ‘How can I approach this so I can get better at it?'” I guess my new approach will be to try to do as many mountain climbers as I can before falling on the floor, crying.

And, predictibly, I can’t walk today without experiencing a lot of pain. Or sit down. My ass hurts deep, deep inside where muscles not used since 1983 are crying out in agony and resentment. My husband is in the same shape. We reassure each other that this pain is good and essential. We are transforming and no transformation is ever pain free, no matter whether you are trying to get in shape, get off drugs or change your sexual identity. It all costs. But in the end, maybe we’ll be “happier.” Or at least look happy.

I stood in front of the mirror this morning looking at my shoulders. Did they look bigger, more defined, sculpted? I decide yes, they do.

This afternoon I took an hour nap. It’s not all the fault of KettleWorx. I’ve been busy at work and feeling rundown. But the workout certainly didn’t help matters. Besides, tomorrow is Core Week 1 so I figure I better rest up before I am not able to move at all. By Wednesday, I will need a Lark scooter to get from my car to work and to roll around the office in. I can load up a wire basket with my folders and to-do lists and barge into people’s offices, nudging their doors open with my scooter.

Stay tuned for CORE…

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