Beads & Roman Sandals Won’t Be Seen

There was fashion to be seen at Square Lake last weekend. Some of it was truly beautiful and inspiring (There were a lot of sun dresses – hooray for sun dresses!) but everyone seemed to struggle with their footwear. I saw:

1. White, knee-high boots. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, “No one should wear white boots unless it’s Halloween and you’re a super hero or you’re a real Go-Go dancer.” This brings up an interesting question – are there any Go-Go dancers left in America? The answer is yes – they are more often called “club dancers” now. If you want to find out how to Go-Go dance, this article is written for you.

2. Pink, ankle-high boots made for snowy days. It was about 90 degrees. The pink boots were cute but it seemed like too much suffering for a fashion look that was clearly meant to seem as if she just rolled out of bed and put on any old thing. This also goes for the woman in tights and leg warmers. It’s OK not to be perfectly trend-ready at all times. I was worried for you! Heat stroke isn’t pleasant.

3. Cowboy boots with an 80’s, high-waisted skirt. Bonus: the skirt was acid-washed! And puffy! In the abstract, I know this will sound as if it could be attractive in a thrifty, vintage kind of way. But trust me on this one. There are certain people who can pull off real cowboy boots and then there are the rest of us. Jewel can wear real cowboy boots because she lives on a ranch and is married to a cowboy. And acid wash? There’s perhaps a reason that acid-wash hasn’t enjoyed a resurgence along with other 80s trends.

4. Perhaps most disturbing – men’s sport sandals that were covered in a plaid, quilted material. As if that weren’t strange enough, the shoes looked as if they’d been used on a forced march through several hundred miles of rough terrain. The fabric was dirty and torn. Yuck.

5. These were spotted at a restaurant in Stillwater: men’s slip-on sandals made of white, woven leather but with pieces of fringe hanging at the seams, on purpose. Think white huaraches with threads of hair hanging from them. These were something a European man would buy in a heartbeat, probably rock with a pair of linen trousers and get away with it. These were espresso-sippin’ shoes. These were the shoes of a guy who has a wife, a mistress and a girlfriend. He uses a money clip. But on the guy actually wearing them? Not so cool. Too young, too Midwestern. Too polo-shirt. Try again in 20 years.