This Valentine’s Day, make sure you convey just the right message by selecting the correct color for roses:

RED = Hope you don’t have your period tonight. Alternately, you need all the  COURAGE you can muster to be with me

YELLOW = I am JEALOUS of you.  Alternately, “You are a coward.”

LIGHT PINK = I’m sorry your life sucks so much.

DEEP PINK= I feel frisky. Alternately, do you want to get some Thai food?

LILAC = I saw you at the mall and I want to bone you.

WHITE = Think twice about joining that nunnery. Alternately, when I think about you, I think about a shotgun wedding.

PEACH =  Do you love the 1980s as much as I do? Alternately, watch the amount of salt in your diet.

CORAL = You are a miserable DRUNK but I can’t stop loving you.

ORANGE = Let’s make lots of money. AKA “The Pet Shop Boys” rose.

And remember, it’s not just the color you send, it’s also the number:

1 Rose =  I am cheap and the lady just came around the bar selling roses.

2 Roses = I will never let you talk to anyone but me.

3 Roses = I have a secret love child.

6 Roses = I do everything half-assed

7  Roses = I’m going to stalk you.

9 Roses = I believe in elves, fairies and wood sprites.

10 Roses = I’m in love with Bo Derek.

11 Roses = One fell out and I stepped on it.

12 Roses = I’m normal

13 Roses = I believe in a baker’s dozen

21 Roses = Let’s do shots all night.

50 Roses = I have to tell you something and you’d better sit down.

99 Roses = 99 problems

100 Roses = I am a deposed dictator.

999 Roses = I built us a pyramid to live in.