Impromptu Date

“That was great. But I guess I should get around to actually fixing your cable. I’ve got other people waiting for me to show up between 1 and 6 p.m.”

“Can I interest you in a tempeh sandwich before you go?”

The Making of A Weirdo

“See, Sequoia, what your mom and I are doing here is a grand experiment. You’re either going to be an interesting person with a great sense of humor who finds her own path in life or a real fuck-up. But either way, you’re not going to like to have to wear clothes.”

Deep Thoughts

“Yeah, I think I could make it  in hip hop, if I really put my mind to it. There has to be room for a sensitive lady poet in the scene.”

Rock Lobster

Woman: “Just another pinch of salt… This is going to be a lobster boil the likes of which Kennebunkport has never seen!”

Man: “Do I have to change out of my mini-robe before people show up?”

The Path To Womanhood

“No, it’s true. Whoever drinks a ladle-full of this sauna water will finally get her period. I swear.”

The Path to Manhood

“No, it’s true. Whoever drinks a ladle-full of this sauna water turns gay for the afternoon. You should try it. Things could get interesting. I don’t know about you but I’m getting mighty hot in this towel.”

Torture

Man: “I told them they can’t come out until they renounce the teachings of Justin Bieber. That was three days ago. But that’s fine – I’ve got nothing but time.”

For Fans of “Lost”

Man: “Say what you will about the Dharma Initiative, they sure know how to build a hot tub.”

Woman: “I’m so over trying to build that raft. Want to see what the Others are up to tonight?”