Thanksgiving  is one of my favorite holidays because I do nothing. There is little prep work or anxiety beyond going to the grocery store and buying a bunch of food with which to construct a feast. I don’t have to worry about seeing old friends, relatives I don’t enjoy, etc. I take a complete misanthrope’s approach to the entire thing  – I want to watch movies, read books, eat good food and, essentially, hide in my house. This plan of inaction continues into Black Friday, when I watch the action from afar.

This morning, approximately seven hours after the shopping frenzy began, I was sitting on my couch in my pajamas, drinking tea and watching The View. It seemed like an odd luxury to sit there on a weekday and watch TV, or so I thought. I saw Whoopi come out in her usual “leggings-and -oversized shirt” uniform and I thought, “I’m going to sit here and see what they have to offer up.”

Of course, it was their Black Friday episode. They interviewed a tan vampire who is the CEO of Macy’s and Bloomingdales. His biggest tip was to tell us that not all cashmere is created equal – you really need to feel it and see how many “plies” it has, much like a paper towel.

Then, Whoopi made a big deal of saying that one reason she doesn’t like going to Macy’s (as if she ever goes to Macy’s) is because she has severe allergies to the perfume that all those ladies spray in the cosmetics department.

See, what that perfume does is constrict her throat. Her air supply slowly shuts off, she can no longer breathe and she practically dies on top of the Clinique counter.

“Can’t you do something?” she pleaded with Tan Vampire CEO (who looked as if he’d just flown back in from St. Kitts to do this tiresome interview). “Couldn’t they hand out just the perfumed strip of paper for people to smell? Because this is why people like me can’t shop in your store.”

“Obviously you haven’t been to Macy’s lately,” Tan Vampire CEO said. “Because we don’t do that anymore. We have our employees hand out scented strips of paper.”

BOOM!

I have to admit a certain amount of glee in watching Whoopi be put in her place.

Then we were on to the Holiday Gift selections of each of the gals. They each got to choose two items (under $50) to highlight and, of course, the audience was given one of each of these items. Of course, they started screaming the second they found this out, as if they were actually at the “Oprah’s Favorite Things” episode. Sadly, the ladies of The View picked out a bunch of crap one could easily see at thrift stores and garage sales in about a year.

Sherrie picked some boiled wool slippers for kids that looked like frogs, princesses, etc. and some cosmetics box that opened up to have 123 eyeshadow colors, 165 blushers, eye shadow base, mascara, eye liner, anti-depressants, razor blades, extra change, a sewing kit, etc etc.

Whoopi picked corduroy jean leggings made by Hue. Now, these things are tight. Whoopi was singing their praises. “You know how I like my leggings!” I started wondering when was the last time she put on a pair of pants with a waistband, because I really can’t remember seeing her in anything but leggings and caftans. The corduroy jean leggings come in some shocking jewel colors that would look absolutely great on someone 5’9″ and 110 pounds. I’m sorry if that’s… fatist or something, but it’s true. For example, I’d never squeeze my ass into jeggings. I know that would be a big mistake. Hint, hint, Ms. Goldberg.

Interestingly enough, her other pick was Williams-Sonoma sticky buns – 12 for $42. I wanted to call in and ask if she really thought this was a deal. Had she ever, uh, baked her own? Or bought some from a bakery in her neighborhood? It’s not even clear if these sticky buns come to one’s house baked or not. But, regardless, that’s $3.50 for a sticky bun from a chain store. And then the Hue corduroy jean leggings don’t fit after you snarf all those babies down.

Joy Behar had the most lackluster picks. It was as if she put off her assignment until the very last minute and then just told her assistant, “Pick something to do with wine. People love wine!” and the assistant looked through some cheesy gift catalog. There was the Ravi Instant Wine Chiller, this cap thingy you freeze and then put on a bottle of wine so that when you pour it the wine is instantly chilled. For all those times friends call and say, “We’re dropping by in 10 minutes for wine,” and you don’t have a bottle chilled. This is one of those things you use exactly once and throw in a drawer.

And then she picked a slate cheese tray that you can write on in chalk. To label the cheese you’re putting out. “Swiss!” or  “Cheddar!” one might write in chalk, which then gets on the cheese. Or, as Evil Republican Hostess pointed out, you could be oh-so-cute and write “Stinky Cheese!” or “Cut The Cheese.”

Barbara Walters picked some expensive candle that comes in a glass jar and the Slapwatch. But the most disturbing things was what she was wearing. It was like… a dark green zoot suit jacket with a brooch a very old lady would wear. The color was something one picks for a Christmas table cloth or perhaps if one is 90-years-old and being wheeled to the dining room for Christmas dinner at noon. I’m just saying.

Then Evil Republican Hostess picked some stupid t-shirts with musical instruments on them that you can actually play. Good for one wearing, probably, before you decide they are super dorky and donate them. And some gloves that have these weird, talon-like tips that allow you to interact with your smart phone without having to take your gloves off. For all those times you’re stumbling down the street messing with your phone instead of watching where you’re going. Or, I guess, sitting in the back of your Lincoln Town Car while being driven to your studio.

Interestingly enough, the gloves are actually getting some blowback on the show’s website. I guess Evil Republican Hostess screwed up and said they would make great “stocking stuffers,” forgetting that The View’s audience is middle America or maybe lower-quadrant America. A few comments point out that, at $35 per pair, the gloves would be the gift, not just the “stuffer.” They stuff candy and nuts and items from the Dollar Store into stockings (I so wish someone would have said they stuff oranges and dates into the stockings like in the 1940s). The commenter wondered just how much rich people spend on gifts… I know the answer – a lot, honey. A lot.