“Tonight’s story has us all talking… tune in at 10 to hear why a local dentist says certain candies are close to battery acid!”

Oh, I’m tuning in. All this time they told me me to stop drinking battery acid, have some candy instead, and now this? I COULD HAVE HAD MY ACID ALL ALONG!!!!

But, wait a minute… is this the top story? Is this your lead because you think people will stop eating this acidic candy? Ain’t gonna happen. We’ve all heard for 25 years about how Coke will take all the rust off a nail and all the carrion off a mouse carcass but that hasn’t stopped us from drinking it. In fact, we want more of it. We want to clean out our insides, make them shiny and new. We like chemicals that sweep through our bodies destroying rust and mildew and healthy, pink tissue. If your guts are perforated, you haven’t lived!