Highlights From Found Footage

The Found Footage Festival rolled into Columbia Heights last night, with two shows at The Heights Theater. Of course, it’s a laugh-a-minute program, but it also leaves some indelible impressions and lingering questions.

1. Why would anyone confuse mucus with fat? Better yet, why would anyone be so determined to expel mucus/fat every morning, save it, measure it, dry it out and sometimes burn it with a blowtorch? You tell me. I saw the footage (from a cable access program) and I’m dumbfounded. In case you’re interested, this isn’t something you can do without the aid of grape juice put into a spray bottle and sprayed into the mouth. Really gets that mucus worked up so you can spit it out into a strainer.

2. Why were there so many hunks in the 80s? And why so many mustaches? I’m not a big fan of hunks myself but they seemed to fill some void in the 80s. A need for muscle, brawn, power, etc. A lot of the more generic “hunks” seemed to have been gay. No, I’m not talking about the biggies (Selleck, Reynolds, etc.) But those Playgirl models… come on. Maybe we all just wised up. Most women don’t really like the hunk physique. I’ve never had a conversation with a woman who was hot for some guy because he had a body-builder profile. I’ve had conversations about the attraction of certain body parts – like, “he has really strong shoulders,” or “he as a strong, muscular back.” And these individual muscular parts seem to hold more attraction; have more allure. So, that begs the questions, will there ever be a Hunk Revival Period?

3. Safety videos – if you were forced to watch them at your place of employment, you’d be pissed. If you get to watch them as entertainment, they are extremely funny. I don’t know why. Stepping on a nail, getting acid in your eyes, cutting your hand on scrap metal… these aren’t inherently funny incidents. But trust me, on a company video they are comedy gold.

4. Just so you know, continuing the general fascination with clowns that is becoming a major theme of this site, there is actually a Clown Ministry. Yes, a bunch of clowns who go around spreading The Word. This clown poem just about sums up the CM lifestyle:

As I stumble through this life,
help me to create more laughter than tears,
dispense more cheer than gloom,
spread more cheer than despair.

Never let me become so indifferent,
that I will fail to see the wonders in the eyes of a child,
or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.

Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people,
make them happy, and forget momentarily,
all the unpleasantness in their lives.

And in my final moment,
may I hear You whisper:
“When you made My people smile,
you made Me smile.”


Or would God really be saying, “When you scared My people, you scared Me.”

5. And finally, this, to get you in the mood for… I’m not really sure what: