I have no Halloween costume. This always happens.

What can I be? A free association of ideas…

An apple that is not organic. The horror! Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, Apple. Emeril, the chef. The Iron Chef. Riboflavin because it could look however I wanted. No one knows what riboflavin looks like. Something fibrous. A germ. A flu bug, although that’s what they did in grade school health, didn’t they? Have some teacher dress up as a flu bug and give you a talk about germs, in character? My high school art teacher, the manic depressive with a thing for corduroy and over-achievers. A pheasant. No one is ever a pheasant and why not? When will pheasants get their turn in the spotlight like penguins have? Like lions? An alcoholic lion. Pennywise from Stephen King’s IT. He’s been on my mind lately. Shit, why did I have to think about Pennywise?

How about sexy robot lady from Metropolis? I think there will be a lot of robots this year. Green, the color. It’s popular. You know what’s really lame? When people dress up as “graduates” because they still have a cap and gown lying around. Zombie school nurse. I think I had one of those. Butch gym teacher. South Minneapolis liberal! That’s a good one. How hard would it be? Load up on Obama pins. Get out the Birkenstocks and Land’s End down vest. Carry around a coffee, excuse me, a latte, excuse me, a chai latte. I kid because I’m one of them…

A rabid racoon. A bear. Animal costumes are tough and require prep unless you’re going as “sexy kitty.” I did this one year out of desperation but I wasn’t sexy. I don’t remember the clothing, except it was black but I put ears on a headband, little paper claws on black gloves, drew on whiskers and wore a collar around my neck. Scary bird lady would be fun. I’ve always wanted to do a bird head and a fancy gown. Estelle Getty, may she rest in peace. The Golden Girls. The dance squad from Thiller. Librarian. Sexy librarian. CoCo from Fame. I’m going deep now. Mr. Green Jeans. Hemingway. Mexican wrestler.

Baby Jane.
A very cute marshmallow. With arms and legs. I like it, I like it.
Girl Friday.
A spoon.
Salt and pepper. Salt n Pepa. This is getting into ketchup and mustard territory.

Perhaps a visit to a costume shop is in order…