You got the  J. Crew holiday catalog in the mail yesterday and the cover says “Happy Holidays From The Italian Alps.” How did they know that’s where you’re headed this holiday season? But between now and then you have a lot of holiday-ing to do.

Luckily, you can do it all in J. Crew.

You bundle up in your HEARTHSTONE SNOOD ($49.50) to walk to a cozy cafe to sip cocoa and write gift ideas for  family and friends in your ARCHIE GRAND FOR J.CREW NOTEBOOK ($10). Your cello teacher is getting a MAGIC WALLET in leopard print ($22.50) and your third cousin is getting the CASHMERE-LINED LEATHER GLOVES ($98) but everyone else has you vexed!

There’s no time to dawdle if you’re going to meet your model/graphic designer/drummer/environmentalist fiancé to pick out a Christmas tree at the organic tree farm. He’s wearing his RED WING FOR J. CREW BECKMAN MOC-TOE BOOTS ($320) in order to saw down the tree. You take a picture for Facebook. You know you look cute tossing snow at his head while wearing your TOGGLE COAT IN WOOL-CASHMERE WITH THINSULATE ($325).

When it comes time to decorate the tree and hang the wreath, you change into your NO. 2 PENCIL SKIRT IN MIDNIGHT TWEED ($138) and slide across your shiny wood floors with strings of cranberries and popcorn in your CORGI CASHMERE SOCKS ($88).

Oh, you have to work at the art gallery on Tuesday! You forgot  – you thought you took the entire month of December off. Oh, well. You just have to sit at the desk and pretend to read Ulysses. You do it in your HANDKNIT FAIR ISLE SWEATER ($225) over your JULES DRESS in Fresh Strawberry ($198). Chinese food for lunch, sign for one package, send a fax and you’re done for the day!

Your fiance’s old roommate is protesting down at Occupy! You agree to go visit and share some falafel and pumpkin seed bread while sitting on the curb. You wear your FAIR ISLE SWEATER-LEGGINGS ($98) and PUFFERS coat ($188) to try to blend in at the drum circle. To show the old roomie you’re not the unimaginative bitch he thinks you are, you bring him a gift – who wouldn’t want a pair of DANCING SANTA BOXERS ($18.50)?

Time for caroling! You go with the MAJESTY PEACOAT in Dark Bone ($258), PIXIE PANTS ($88) and your MACALISTER WEDGE BOOTS ($198). You get drunk while waiting for everyone else to be ready to go, then have to pee the entire time. You beg people to let you use their bathrooms and rifle through their medicine cabinets.

Holiday Open House at your boss’s loft! You spend hours preparing a a messy ponytail and wear your dark-rimmed glasses and TALIA TOP IN WILDCAT ($118) with CAFE CAPRIS IN WOOL. Keep an eye on your BROMPTON SATCHEL in Henna ($278), that’s where you keep the cache of drugs you stole while caroling.

You forgot to buy a bauble for Betsy, that annoying, sort-of-friend who happens to have a great summer cabin you love going to every August. You buy her an  ARGYLE, HAND-ENAMELED BANGLE ($28) and a pair of socks from THE GAP.

Your fiancé wants to make a snowman. You watch the action from the safety of the front porch while wearing your GLIMMER LONG SLEEVE TEE ($88), MINNIE PANTS IN BI-STRETCHED WOOL and SPERRY TOP-SIDER SHORT SHEARWATER BOOTS ($138), which are so ugly you want to return them but you already stepped in dog shit so that’s that.

For the cookie exchange with gal pals you’re wearing your WYNTER V-NECK SWEATER in Roasted Cider ($69.50), STRETCH VINTAGE BOOTCUT CORDS ($79.50) and BIELLA METALLIC PENNY LOAFERS ($248) but you’re not eating any cookies – you’re biting into them and slipping the bites into napkins when no one is looking and throwing them away. You can’t believe how much the other ladies are eating. It’s depressing.

Holiday movie time! You put on your SILK CELESTIAL PAJAMA SHIRT IN STARSTRUCK ($118) and SILK CELESTIAL PAJAMA PANT IN STARSTRUCK ($108) and make a big production of making popcorn and queuing up It’s a Wonderful Life but then spend the entire time texting and tweeting.

Big, awesome party filled with hip people. You go quirky-maximus by wearing your TOSCANA SHEARLING TRAPPER HAT ($198) paired with your JULES DRESS IN SEQUIN STRIPE ($495) to show that you don’t care that your fiancé’s ex-fiancé, Bronwyn,  is there. You really don’t care. See? You’re wearing a  hunting hat with a sequined dress! Someone hands you a PBR and you drink it down in one long, continuous gulp.

Quick pre-holiday Job interview for a junior associate assistant position at a PR firm! You think they will take you seriously if you wear your TISSUE TURTLENECK TEE ($29.50), monogrammed ITALIAN CASHMERE V-NECK ($168) and SILK STINGER SKIRT in Grey Slate ($235). Oh, but they don’t.

Holiday shopping at J. Crew in your CASHMERE BOYFRIEND CARDIGAN in Heather Spearmint ($198), NIGHTSHIRT IN SILK FOULARD ($178) and CLASSIC MINI IN FELTED WOOL in Stone ($98). You can’t figure out why the other customers keep asking you if they can get a fitting room.

You are so exhausted. It’s time to go to Italy. You wear your HIGH-WAISTED SKINNY JEANS in Night Owl Wash ($125), ITALIAN BALLETS in Lula Snakeskin ($198) and DREAM DOLMAN SWEATER in Heather Cloud ($98) on the plane and watch Just Go With It starring Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. You think it’s a good movie.

As soon as you get back from the holidays you’re going to buy your J. Crew ESCALIER GOWN COLLECTION WEDDING GOWN ($2,400).