Weird things I think before making certain purchases:

Before buying any shoes (accept athletic shoes) “But can I go dancing in these?” Number of times I dance per year: maybe seven? Five.

Before buying any underwear: “If I get in an accident, will it be weird if I’m wearing these (blank) underwear and they have to cut them off me?” Fill in the blank with any number of adjectives: striped, polka-dotted, Oscar the Grouch, kind-of-high-waisted-but-comfortable

Before buying magazines: “If I don’t read about the latest styles in skirts, I’ll be a sad banana!” Or, “If I don’t read this article about the best islands to vacation on this year, I’ll be a sad banana!” Or, “If I don’t read about the movies coming out this week, I’ll be a sad banana!” All meant to justify the purchase of yet another magazine. Curses!

Before buying organic fruit: “Is it worth it?”

Before buying athletic shoes: “This is it – I’m really going to start exercising regularly this time.”

Before buying make-up: “I should own more make-up.”

Before buying a chai latte: “Really? Another chai latte?”

Before buying shampoo and conditioner: “I wonder if this formula will really address all my special hair needs?”

Before buying another dog park pass: “Thank you, Universe, for the dog park.”

Before buying another dog treat/bone/toy: “Thank you, Universe, for Freja.”

Before paying my library fines: “Well, it could be worse. My money could be going to Miller High Life and crack.”

Before buying M&Ms: “OK, it’s just like buying crack.”