From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. However, today’s special focus is Holiday Shopping for the Confused, Depressed and Financially Dependent because Baby Jane strongly believes it’s never too early to start in on all the holiday crap as long as it includes festive, spiked punch, scratch-off games and the all-holiday music radio station turned up just loud enough that you can’t hear your invalid sister crying for a moist towelette.
Dear Baby Jane,
I want to give the gift of music this holiday. What’s hot and new this season?
I Wanna Rock, Boys Town, Nebraska
Dear Wanna Rock,
Might I suggest the gift of sheet music? My entire catalog is available on sheets, just pennies per copy, and not just for piano. Now out for the woodwind instruments as well! Your friends and family would greatly enjoy my number one hit, “I’ve Written A Letter To Daddy,” and my other tunes, including, “Daddy’s Got My Number,” “Daddy’s Lil’ Stinker,” and “Daddy, My Tummy Hurts.” This year I’m also out with a re-issue of my 78s on vinyl. Otherwise, you can’t go wrong with the work of Kylie Minogue.
Baby Jane
Hi BJ! Long time reader, first time writer! What are some hot gifts for pets this year? – Curlz
Dear Curlz,
Have you heard about how much dogs and cats love, love, love oleander? They think it’s pretty! And it tastes just like a chocolate malt does to us! Scientific studies prove it. If I were you, I would feed your cat or dog oleander on Christmas day. Can’t find any? Night shade is a great substitute. Also, all the cats on my list this year are getting electric clippers because they find the noise so soothing and being shaved down to the skin saves them hours of time they would have spent licking themselves. It’s a time saver! The special dogs on my list are all getting rolls of tin foil to chew. Great for teeth cleaning. But the ultimate in pet gifts, as we all know, is a trip to a neighbor’s farm with lots and lots of space to… get lost.
Baby Jane
Dear Baby Jane,
I’ve been invited to a New Year’s Eve party for the first time in my life. I’m 47 years-old. I want to look elegant and chic without looking too “made up.” Suggestions? My budget is about $16 from my paper route.
Nuzzles
P.S. I’m a female.
Nuzzles,
First, are you sure you want to go to this thing? Sounds like nuthin’ but a load of trouble to me. New Year’s Eve? Pah! That’s for happy people. The kind of people who think they can change anything by making a resolution! Ha! That being said, here’s what you need to look your best: an adult pinafore dress, off-white, and cheap make-up from the dime store. Get pancake make-up, a dark brow pencil and red, red lipstick. Oh, and mascara. I used to favor Max Factor make-up exclusively but then I discovered this other line that’s fabulous – it’s called Wet ‘N Wild. Ninety-nine cents for just about everything in the line! Woot! If you really want to put the “zaz” in pizzazz for the night, bring along a life-sized doll as your dancing companion! I’ve found that a lot of people don’t wanna mess with you if you show up with a doll for your date!
Baby Jane
Dear Baby Jane,
Besides gigantic dolls, what are some hot toys for the holiday season? I have a 7-year-old boy and a ten-year-old girl.
Julie in Orlando
Dear Julie,
For boys, I really like this Tauntaun Sleeping Bag. Good luck finding it in stock. But you can also never go wrong with an electric fish fillet knife, a box of carpet nails or a gift certificate for sushi. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the gift of booze. Pint bottles fit nicely in stockings. Or get this totally hilarious cell phone flask!
Baby Jane
Dear Baby Jane,
What are some inexpensive gifts one could give to someone one hopes will become one’s lover in the next 6 months to a year (once the love potions and spells start working) but who is not, technically, one’s lover now, therefore not deserving an expensive gift?
Pining in Shrevesport
Dear Shreve,
Duh! Sheet music! Nothing says romance like sheet music. Dolls! Preferably life-sized. I’ve never met someone who didn’t enjoy a quality, foam clown nose. Bat skulls – you can find ’em. Or make one of those little coupon books with coupons that say things like, “Good for one back rub,” “Good for one liquor run,” “Good for one chance to get out of a stabbing.” My sister used to like those books and she’d keep them in the little pouch attached to her wheelchair. Of course, I never let her redeem any of them. That bitch!
Baby Jane
Baby Jane Recommends
If I were a cartoon character, which one would I be? If I believed in psychiatry (which I DON’T), who would I turn to for advice? Consider buying this special book written by my good friend Lucy, a tough broad if ever there was one! Whenever I don’t know what to do, I pull this down off the shelf and curl up in bed with a bottle of scotch. When I wake up, three or four days later, it’s always clear to me what I need to do to deal with my problem. It usually involves throwing up a little, drinking some more and then getting back to my sheet music.